the shallow rainfilled wind blows cold on my skin
as i drift into the stormy grey wonder smelling honeysuckles
feeling wildflowers as they sway against my ankles
submerged in the thunder so peacefully that i know it is truly silence
and that this is mother natures embrace
she is a harsh woman with a cold grasp
that allows everyone to be loved and disdained equally
but not everyone loves her as much and quite often many hate her more
yet she remains dignified even as she is uprooted and demolished
oh if only i could be so serene only throwing a few disasters into play
when i could burn cities with a change of mood
and crush skyscrapers with the turmroil in my stomache
but now with my eyes closed standing in the open grass
i feel her sadness and am at peace even mother nature can be mournful
of a world gone awry in her very capable hands
but who's to say that she hasn't tried harder than any of us to quell the damage
and humans haven't already pushed past her simple boundaries
and that now she isn't like me a silenced voice
writhing in a shell to tight for comfort under the pressure of others
at least she is still respected by some for her grace
even as she perishes painfully she retains balance
even as her reach withers she has confidence and pride
and beauty to make your heart stand still
the gentle tickle on your calves while taking a stroll still raises your spirits
i want to be like her strong and swift yet graceful and ever inspiring
i want to make the world at peace
but be able to take it all away when i rampage voilent like a tsumani
I wish i were as unpredictable and worse as devastating
then maybe the world would feel the urge to quell my fire
and soothe my stomache. stop my mind from racing so quickly
my emtions from rushing my aching heart and my feeble ribs from breaking
under countless blows they may not have ever taken
if i were as strong or I may not have felt if i were as durable
maybe if i could wash it away like the ocean
or scream it out like the wind i would be tranquil in my spiral
as she is in hers but i am not yet in such ascendant space
so i breathe in her patience hoping that it will fuel my own
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hi, Gem, it's Lee again. I haven't designed a decent banner yet, but happy #RevMo !
Without further ado, I'll begin.
As a self-proclaimed environmentalist, I have to say this poem is a well-written ode of sorts, both sweet and sad at once. I liked the imagery, and the bittersweet ending is quite good.
I recall saying the last time I reviewed a poem of yours that punctuation would not be amiss. This time, I'll stress on that; there were a few places where sentences didn't flow very smoothly and I felt slightly confused. Semi colons, commas and fullstops can be sprinkled here and there to a very good effect. Here are a couple of these instances where I edited it somewhat:
I didn't edit this because I couldn't really decipher what you meant.
*tsunami*
*violently*
*The last line is poorly constructed, you need to rewrite it.*
Also, a general error: It's *stomach*, not *stomache*.
The sentences get very long at certain points, like Ethan pointed out, and combined with the lack of punctuation makes the poem as a whole somewhat difficult to read. I suggest you remedy that.
Otherwise, I like your poem. Let me point out some of my favourite lines:
Some edits could be made here as well, but it was still by far my favourite part.
Took me a couple of reads to understand this, but when I did, it was nice.
But yeah, Gem; I'm sorry if I'm being very critical or harsh, but the poem is quite difficult to read as it is now. You can definitely work on that.
Have a good day.
- Lee
Thank you <3
You're welcome.
Hey Gem! Ethan here for a #RevMo review. Haha, as you know, I am less than proficient at reviewing, so please, bear with me. Here goes:
So I loved the poem's feel and theme, and the cadence felt very natural. Also, I do appreciate the more or less environmentalist sentiments, so kudos to you there for sure.
Like I said, the soul of the poem is perfect, but I feel the need to provide more valuable feedback than that, so here are a few things I did notice about the structure and things. First off, you might want to consider breaking the poem down into stanzas? Longer poems like this can seem a bit daunting at first glance, and breaking it up would make it a bit more readable.
Also, some of the longer lines sort of feel like they could be more potent if broken into two lines? For example,
might flow better as
Finally, you might want to consider being more consistent with your 'I's. You don't necessarily need to capitalize them all, as lowercase is definitely an acceptable stylistic choice, but I see some uppercase and some lowercase, and you should probably make them all the same.
These are all very minor things, and they're mostly stylistic, so if they're not helpful, feel free to ignore it all. I always love your poems, so don't take this as criticism! Just suggestions.
I hope this was helpful! Like I said, I really enjoyed this poem, so keep up the good work!
--Ethan
<3 Thank you