Sorry for formatting issues. No computer. On a tablet. :(
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Cries of War
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As the last rays of sun fall upon my face,
A wind of brutal force blows upon my body,
Rain slamming against the window,
As inside a storm brews within.
Inside I am flooded with anguish filled memories,
Memeories that come back with the storm that is inside and out.
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A force of anguish, an army of shouts-
Of cries of pain, and of ringing gunshots!
A cry of pain, and blood flows like rivers.
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Dropping down into the mud,
I let out a grumble, a grief-filled grumble,
As I see that my brother-in-arms is not beside me,
Lost in battle- never to see victory again!
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Dawn is coming over the hills, as I face a new day,
Another battle, another enemy of the same force.
I see this can be a very dangerous day.
I am sorry if I dont return home to you.
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Flashes of light go past my dim tired eyes,
As I once more hear gunshots go past my ears.
I hold my gun through the pain,
As I feel the painas my flesh is pierceds by bullets.
A non-fatal blow, just enough to end my deployment,.
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My honor was driven away!
I was forced to leave my brothers.
I was sent home, they continued to fight.
I now faced a new enemy, unseen, but there.
One I had to face everyday.
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The constant soumd of rain against the wimndow,
Brings me back to the present, away from the memories.
I rub my leg. It is an old and ever-present pain,
That serves for me to never forget.
I will neber forget what it meant to serve.
My dogtags clink softly around my neck,
i hold them tightly, amd I remember.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hello GreenTulip! Unknown391625 here with another review!
This is a very good poem. I really like it. You did a good job. What I like about it is the title. The title goes perfect with the story. And you categorized the story and the genres perfectly. Same with the rating. Flawless! Good job! Though I saw two errors. You said brutql. You meant brutal, right? And also, you said te. You probably meant the. You were on a tablet when you wrote this right? I writing this review on a tablet! So, good job with it overall! Don't give up and always write! Oh and this review was written by a team member from Team Aqua!
Thank you for the review. Yeah, my laptop broke..
Hey GreenTulip! Strange here and I have a review for you!
This was interesting. I usually never see poems about war on here. When I do, however, they fall bland and extremely cliched. You are out of that category by a small margin.
Usually, poems about war talk about fighting in the field and killing others. This doesn't do that, as this talks about a fallen soldier who doesn't want to betray his country. He has been shot, but he wants to keep fighting. The narrator pours emotion into this. You can feel his pride through the words. The words manage to powerful yet simple.
It is slightly cliched and generic at the parts where the narrator screams with the exclamation point at the end. It just didn't hit it off with me. It happens with the other poems in this war category. You do though happen to manage to step over all the other cliches that stand in your path so you did good on that.
Overall, good job
Strange gives you...
7.9/10
Good job
Keep writing
Stay groovy, my amigo
In the beginning I wouldn't straight away say army, I would kind of hint at it until the middle. That makes it more mysterious. Anyways, I really like the title, it is, what's the word, passionate and sorrowful. The imagery in here is beautiful and I could even feel the wind in the beginning. I loved it! Great job! Keep the awesome work up!
Messenger here since I was tagged and want my next blue star
Typo! Brutal is correct
'nuther typo
You need a hyphen between anguish and filled.
Typos typos! But you are forgiven since this was on a tablet
Consider omitting the second half of the sentence, and changing it to: "I let out a grief-filled grumble."
Words jammed together, and you use "as" twice in this sentence. Cut out one of them. My suggestion would be the first one. Also, it should be "pierced"
Add an "as" before "they" or it is a comma splice which I do hate
the "i" needs to be capitalized. also, "amd" should be and.
Well, I am done. Aside from those typos this is an interesting poem. I understand what you are going for here, but I do think there should be more detail on what the battle is about, and like how the terrain is. I need more DETAIL. And interesting ending to say the least, as well!
~Messenger