Coldness surrounds even the warmest souls.
It drives deep, to murder all hope!
A sharp sting, a tinge of ice-cold pain.
A coldness that can not be driven away easily.
Not by flame.
Not by warmth.
Not by light.
Not by a fleeing hope!
The unholy cold leaks into mind and heart,
changing the way we think and act.
The warm, fuzzy personality of past, is now a whisper,
nothing more than a breathed idea.
Now, a harsh icy personality left in it's place.
An unspoken idea, that is clear to see.
A draw of breath, drives it further down,
making it harder to draw warmth back.
Do not struggle, weep, or panic,
for once you forget,
the coldness will be driven away.
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139,417 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
Hey, Cesare Borgia here for a review.
Happy Review Day, I just have to say, that I didn't even read the poem yet, and the title had made me want to read it.
I have a proclivity for works that envolve murder.
Nitpicks:
Love the repition, it's very poetic, but using the same word for times, goes against the writing style. Yet, it is poetry, so don't stress yourself over that.
I have to say that this part of the poem was very moving, and it reminds why I like this poem. The title of the poem made me think it was a murder, but I just realized that you were describing the coldness.
Best of luck in writing,
Cesare Borgia
Thank you!
Timmy here for another review!
My apologies if I am attacking your works too often. It seems as though the dark side is not only overwhelming my actions, but my thoughts as well... I have this sudden urge to take lightsabers to pieces of poetry... Blasters are so uncivilized, anyway.
Nitpicks
---Just as an afterthought, the icy-cold description could be shortened and it could stay the way it is.
---Now I am not a poetry expert. I just started writing poetry about two months ago, in fact. But still, I have a few things that I have an opinion on. One of them is that in most cases, commas in the middle of lines break the flow. If you can avoid that, then YAY! With this line, I think its just needs a little rewording.
This stanza is the last... and it does have a sense of finality to it, so good job there! But it doesn't make sense to me! Forget what? The icy personality? The unspoken idea? The coldness? When you have an enemy, you strive to force it back. Forgetting about it is like opening your door to them.
Faving time and style
Now when I look back at my review, I have to cringe. Hopefully it doesn't come across as me not liking your work... Far from it! I love this so much!
As usual, you manage to take a normal idea and make it so unique, my friend... Cold is such a common thing, but you take it and give it such a twist that makes it so special of a poem idea... I love how you incorporate not just the weak souls who are filled with this coldness, but also those who are full of warmth and hold back the coldness. That is really neat to me because most people just go with those who are down in the cold.
My favorite part would have to be...
[quote]The unholy cold leaks into mind and heart,
changing the way we think and act. ---These two lines are so true... It does change the way we act! Its like a depression, really... Depression could be something that the cold is referring to!
That is all I have for you on this piece! Keep going, my poetic friend! You certainly have a gift!
~Darth Timmyjake, Sith Lord of YWS
Thank you for the review Timmy.
Love your Sign off still
Just continued a tiny bit because I'm on 199 points and I wanted to point out my favorite lines.
First was:
A draw of breath, drives it further down,
making it harder to draw warmth back.
And then;
The warm, fuzzy personality of past, is now a whisper,
nothing more than a breathed idea.
Now, a harsh icy personality left in it's place.
Poetic genius!
LGF
Hey GreenTulip, LGF here to give you a review.
Haha well it turns out I'm actually writing this while blowing my nose on a tissue and feeling overly sorry for myself because I went to footy training yesterday in the rain without a jacket...
Anyway back to the review.
I really liked this poem and I loved that it was free verse and I could tell this is something that can just be scribbled down easily because it's passionate and short. I also loved the subject of the poem which is a refreshing change to romance or all the depressing/suicidal poetry (Not dissing just saying there's a lot of it)
Now for some recommended fix ups.
The warm, fuzzy personality of past, is now a whisper
I thought this line had too many commas and you could cut out at least the first one and it wouldn't take anything away from the flow of it.
Now, a harsh icy personality left in it's place
Again I don't think the comma at the start was needed.
a tinge of ice-cold pain.
I don't think you need both 'ice' and 'cold'
So those where a few nitpicks, but the rest I really thought was brilliant. I think your a talented poet and hope you post more!
LGF
Hey there! Kekai, here to give you a review. First of all, this poem embodies everything I've been feeling lately: painful winter blues. I feel like I haven't seen the grass in ages! Now, into the review:
I feel like throughout this poem, you repeat words a lot, and also over-describe. A poem about the cold would be much better served with a simple, concise format, instead of flowery prose and lots of adjectives and verbs. I'll give a few examples of places where text could be slimmed or better phrased:
"A sharp sting, a tinge of ice-cold pain." could be: "A sharp sting, a tinge of icy pain."
"Not by a fleeing hope!" for the congruence of the phrase, could be: "Not by hope!"
"The warm, fuzzy personality of past, is now a whisper,/nothing more than a breathed idea./Now, a harsh icy personality left in it's place." I feel like the purpose of this phrase is bogged down by description, and it might be better as: "The warm personality of the past is now a whisper,/nothing more than an idea./Now, a harsh person left in its place."
Also, you use the word cold/coldness a lot. There are plenty of synonyms for it that would still serve the purpose.
In all, just give this another read-through. Look at places where there's lots of description. How necessary are those adjectives really? Just a thing to think about.
This is a great start! Keep up the good work!
Hi....
"Not by a fleeing hope" is meant to be that way as in the first stanza it tells that it destroys all hope.
Hi....
"Not by a fleeing hope" is meant to be that way as in the first stanza it tells that it destroys all hope.
Oh yes! That's a great connection; I just think that even simplified, it would work. Up to you, though! ^^
Hey, great poem right here! I like how you utilized the sensory details and imagery to their full potentials, but diction and rhythm can also be used to improve your poetry.
For example, in the "Not by flame. Not by warmth. Not by light. Not by a fleeing hope!" sequence, you had some great parallel structures going on. However, if you can maintain the three syllable structure for each phrase, it'd flow a lot better.
Try reading out loud and testing the words against each other! I love your last stanza the best--it sounds really cool and manages to show the essential emotions at the same time.
Huh.........all of poetry is free-styled. I don't pay attention to certain structure/syllable structure when I write. I write poetry to keep myself from my real life, so many of times, it is just my thought process played out on paper. And none of my thoughts have certain was to them. You can tell if you were to look at all of my poetry. They ll flow and are structured differently.