The days we spent out
In the golden sunsets.
I miss those days,
When everything seemed
Like everything was alright.
Now these days are distant memories.
Do you remember that bench,
Where you shared your dreams
Of our future together with me?
I remember laying across the bench,
Watching you as you ran through the grass.
Your laugh lighting up the world.
Your smile seeming brighter than the sun.
Now I can't even think of you,
Without remembering how it was.
You just had to snatch up my heart and break it.
Now everything to me is a hard reminder of you.
I can't love you,
Though you make it so hard not to.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
This is beautiful! I do not know if you did this intentionally, but the stanzas shorten towards the end and I feel like that has a meaning to it if you were to dig deep into this poem. The point of view matches the tone of this poem with memories past and is good. I really like the emotion shown in this piece of work and the tone and diction. The words like world, sunsets, dreams, and brighter stand out to me especially. Good job and keep up the good work! Cannot wait to see more of your work that you post in the future!:)
Hey! ChocolateCello here! Happy review day!
Okay, so over all this was a great poem. I just have two suggestions.
You say everything twice here;It sounds a little bit uncomfortable. Maybe 'Everything seemed perfect, just right'?
Additionally, like the last review (By IronSpark) said, make things personal. Now, they said to include a piece of yourself, but I think it would also do well to include a piece of the speakers lover. You talk about their smile, but maybe mention their 'deep brown eyes' or something a bit more descriptive to help the reader start to imaging what this person might look like.
You did a great job conveying emotion and the descriptions you used were beautiful.
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Hey there, GreenTulip! I really want to help you make this the best piece possible, so in this review I'll be spotlighting three suggestions I have for you and your writing.
1. Pay attention to flow.
Sometimes, as writers, it's hard to figure out where our writing is choppy because we've read it so many times before. So I'd suggest a beta reader, history's most popular solution to this problem. The best kind of beta reader is someone in real life, so they can give you real feedback on real issues. They can also help you find cliches in your writing and suggest revisions concerning item (2)...
2. Remember: elevate!
Something that I love to do when I'm writing a poem like this is to go through and find three instances where my vocabulary could be elevated in some way. For instance,
can become
This is helpful to both your writerly self and this specific piece.
3. And, finally, include a piece of yourself.
This is a weird and wonderful thing that I love seeing writers do. Include a piece of yourself--and no, that's not a metaphor. Include a reference to your life or your physical self in some way. For example, a reference to your golden hair, green eyes, or old teddy bear. This forces you to throw yourself into the poem both mentally and physically. And I really enjoy reading responses about this.
Keep writing and (as we say in my hometown) don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark
I could totally relate, glad to know someone knows that even though they can do something and yet you love them despite it. Great peice!
I really enjoyed this. Your poem has excellent rhythm and flows very smoothly from one line to the next. This is very important for me as a reader personally, so the polished feel of the delivery really helped draw me in. The words seem like they are just rolling off the tongue (sorry to fixate on that detail lol). I also appreciate the change in stanza length, which I feel was used effectively. It's as if as the thought starts out very big and multi-faceted and as it moves onward becomes more and more concentrated and direct, concluding with the most deep rooted feeling. This subtle use of rising action builds seamlessly to the conclusion - leaving the reader rocked by the climactic last line. Well done piece
I love the feelings reflected in this. You show how hard it is to let go of a past love who's hurt you. It sort of displays the agony and the wistfulness, the memories of better days. As it goes on, your work takes a harder edge, showing the betrayal and sorrow and determination of the narrator to not succumb to the love in still in their heart. I especially love how the last lines sound kind of almost broken, in my mind, at least. All in all, I enjoyed the poetry.