Sunlight was pouring down from above
illuminating the world around us.
You saw the brightness,
signifying the hope you buried within,
I saw nothing but darkness,
destroying what I had felt.
It was like being caught up in a rainstorm,
but being the single person who gets soaked.
The times where it storms so terrible,
it leaves your life in shambles.
You didn't care about my inner storm,
as long as you still looked gorgeous.
I just kept falling further and further,
as you stood adjusting your makeup.
Women like you don't deserve men like me.
We are like wine that you put on display,
but never show what is beneath the surface,
fearing that it would be shameful for others to see.
I guess broken men should just gather up,
and apply makeup to hide our blemishes.
It should be all better then right?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
First of all, I really enjoy the last three lines. You use some very fitting figurative language in this piece. The title is okay, but I would suggest maybe removing the question mark. It feels like a stronger point with a stronger title. The thread of storms is well kept. You approach the topic of your writing very well and very thoroughly. My only minor suggestion would be to carry through the ideas of light and dark a little further. That is a nice contrast device in this theme. Well done! I enjoyed this. Keep writing!
This was an interesting poem. It had no rhyming that I could see,which made it kind of choppy, but it still spoke to me. Not many would ever associate make up and men, which shows your creativity and originality. And also another thing that showcases your talent is that you pick up on the things that really don't get noticed. That not only women have feelings like that, but men do too. It humanizes men and I love that. You may have written it for a different meaning, but that's how I interpreted it. It was lovely, truthful and original. There was one thing that caught my eye, it's a minor grammar error, a quick fix. The word 'than' should be 'then'.
The name is catchy too. I'm looking at the names of your works to the right of the screen and can see that you have some great titles. I'll have to check them out. Happy writing!- Cate.