Words Hurt

I think you've got something to go on here, but you're cutting it short. Get into it. What is your character feeling, thinking, experiencing. What gives them the strength to walk away? Where is the poetic language in this? Poetic devices would really be great in this poem because there are so many ways to say "you fabricated a story/to draw me into a/friendship that did not last." You could make a story about a dog thinking it would get a bone following the new master home and only getting a whip, or a horse on an imaginary lead, or even a bird being lead to it's death so the nest could be robbed. Use your imagination and really get into it.

There are other devices you could use as well, like with your word choice you can do other things than rhyme, like alliteration where you have the first sound coming from a lot of words at once, like the slippery snake slid stealthily over the stone. Don't beat it over the head, don't use it through the entire poem, but use it to create more verbal interest.

I like how you kept with using visuals. That was good. Try to stay away from using the same words repeatedly like your last two stanzas basically end with the same line when you could have used "I kept walking" instead of "I just walk away." Adding this variety is going to create more interest in your poem and keep our attention better.

Hey green tulip. I really liked your poem. It is something that a lot of people can relate to. And you really described it well. I didn't find any fault in your poem. But to me(its just my opinion, so you can ignore it if you want) I just thought the line 'I just walk away' could be replaced by any other line, or perhaps the word walk away could be replaced cause it sounds quite awkward. But it doesn't really matter, its just my opinion. Anyway, it is a great poem and I really liked it. Great job. Keep writing amazing stuff.

Cheers
CatherinKanya

Hey green tulip. I really liked your poem. It is something that a lot of people can relate to. And you really described it well. I didn't find any fault in your poem. But to me(its just my opinion, so you can ignore it if you want) I just thought the line 'I just walk away' could be replaced by any other line, or perhaps the word walk away could be replaced cause it sounds quite awkward. But it doesn't really matter, its just my opinion. Anyway, it is a great poem and I really liked it. Great job. Keep writing amazing stuff.

Cheers
CatherinKanya

This is really sad! But…it's an experience most go through at some point, I'm afraid. I think you portrayed it really well. I enjoy the simplicity of this poem; you don't use lots of extraneous words, and you don't give more detail than needed. You don't even bother specifying what happened to make you fall apart. Leaving it so simple and general makes it easier to relate to and more personal, I think. I also really enjoy the way you finished the poem by repeating the first two stanzas. This gave it a sort of finality and made the story come full circle.

The only suggestion I have has to do with your fifth stanza. It reads

"You fabricated a story,
to draw me into a
friendship that did not last."

What I think you ought to do here (and it's just my opinion so it's okay if you ignore it) is move "a" down to be in front of friendship. It just seems like a really weird place to end a line. Anyway, great job with the poem!