A glimpse outside the window,
shows the sight that every child wishes for.
A thick layer of fluffy white powder.
This was the first snow of the year.
-
Wrapped up in two hats,
two scarves, two layers of gloves.
Dressed in thick winter pants, and a thick fleece jacket,
the child is allowed out into the snow.
-
They run, but fall into the powdery snow,
giggles escaping from between their lips.
-
They flop over to their backs,
slowly moving their arms and legs,
in a slow arching pattern.
They move oh so carefully,
as not to destroy their creation-
a perfect snow angel.
-
They run and run around, with
friends and friends,
joining them out in the fun snow.
-
Snow is picked up in gloved hands,
circled and packed together,
to form the most perfect snowball.
-
“Launch!” comes the call from one of the boys.
By command, ten snowballs are launched at the same time.
Hmmpfs and uggs are heard as
one by one they are pounded by snowballs.
-
As the sky darkens and
another wave of flakes begin to fall,
the calls of mothers all around,
call out for their children to come home.
-
The first snowfall of the year,
is the most special one indeed.
-
To always remember, to always treasure.
To always hold dear till you are old-
and have nothing else to remember.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hello there! Selina here!
First off I would just like to say: WOW. This poem was amazing. I enjoyed it so much it brought back great memories (which is good in a poem) and made me think of my little nephews and nieces who got all dressed up and rushed outside on the first sign of snow
I live in Canada so I know all about snow hehehe I love the winter! Right now we have a couple feet of snow and really nice weather which both is uncommon for the time of the year, usually we have more snow and a lot more cold weather.
"Wrapped up in two hats,
two scarves, two layers of gloves.
Dressed in thick winter pants, and a thick fleece jacket,
the child is allowed out into the snow
"
This part was extremely good, only when they had two of everything were they allowed to go outside. That is so true, do you by any small chance live in Canada?
Love the poem and goodbye for now!
CelticThunder1438 a.k.a. Selina
Nope, I'm in Nebraska. I'm about three states away from the Canadian border xD
My brother in law and sister and their two boys live in Omaha Nebraska! I've been up there a couple times. Its a 16 hour drive from where I live :/
Yeah. They live just about an hour from where I live at! I live in a small town west of Omaha.
AWESE! My brother in law and his family are actually up here at my place right now, but their going home tomorrow morning
and then I am leaving tomorrow to return to basic training
This was a pretty cute poem. I think you accurately described the magic that is the first snow of the year. There were some really nit-picky things though that make this poem not as great as it could be.
I wasn’t sure whether you were referring to one or more children here, and that’s kind of important.First off, (and I know this is something I shouldn’t mention, as this is a poem) the punctuation was off in many places. That is to say, it’s wrong if you’re punctuating the way that prose demands you punctuate. Of course if there’s a reason that you punctuated the way you did, I won’t mess with it, but if you weren’t sure how to do it, or if you wanted the grammar to be “correct,” then I’d suggest looking it over again, and then you can PM me if you want me to help you with it. I just don’t want this review to focus on something that may or may not be intentional. (for example, however, the very first line should not have a comma after it. It should just not be there.) So really, feel free to PM me, I’d be happy to point these out.
Another grammar problem I saw was the tense. This is somewhat less debatably artistic. I actually didn’t notice too much of a problem with this, but in the first stanza, you say “this was” when the rest of your poem is in some form of present tense. I’d double check that all your other verbs are in the right tense too.
Throughout the poem, you consistently use the word “their,” and I have no reason to believe that there is more than one child that you are referring too. I know that you might just want to keep their gender secret, but “their” is not grammatically correct despite it being used everywhere as a way to substitute for gender. I think you should pick a gender and just say “she” or “he” and “her” or “his.” It would make reading this so much easier.
For example:
In several places, you use a hyphen (-) when you should have used a dash (—).
The whole poem is a bit spacey, and that's just a weird thing of YWS. If you try doing "shift" + "enter/return" (like you're trying to do a capital enter) then you should be able to narrow the spaces between your lines and the reader won't have to scroll as much. Course if you don’t want to do that, you don’t have to.
That should be “…as, one by one, they…” so as not to confuse what the subject is.
That’s what I got! I love the story and the images! Great job!
~fortis
Hello, ma'am! I'm here for the poetry exchange thingamabob!
First of all, I really like the whole idea of the poem. I remember when I actually liked the snow and could run around in it without worrying about my clothes or being too cold (I was a very warm child).
I really liked that you said what they were wearing without getting too detailed. It lets me envision what I was bundled up in. It's very nostalgic. I also commend you for using two different words to describe "dressed." Sometimes people fall into a pattern and use the same word too many times.
I like the sound of flop here, but I think you should find a stronger verb than "moving." Perhaps "flapping" since they're making snow angels, and angels flap? Or perhaps swishing? Find a verb that makes a noise as well as an image since you did in the line before.
I'd put "and" on the next line for a better line break.
This is a nice way to start the poem. I like the feeling of looking out the window and being excited (now that I'm older, I'm usually looking out the window and being excited if I don't see snow, but anyway) that the world has changed, and there's something different. Watch out, though. You change from present to past tense in the last line. Make sure you pick a tense and stick with it. Here, I suggest staying with present tense because it is rather action-y later on, and present tense tends to go well with action.
I'm not a big fan of this line. If they're giggling, I think we know already that it's coming out of their mouth. I'd be concerned if giggles were coming from anywhere else! Just think of that, a giggling nostril... anyway, I don't think you need to describe where the giggles come from.
I would start with hands here. As in, "Gloved hands pick up snow" because right now, you're writing in passive voice, which, while not wrong, isn't the most effective choice to make. Start with the thing doing the action when writing.
Here's a tip. If you think you might be writing in passive voice, try adding "by zombies" at the end. Here, you already have the thing that is picking up the snow, but you could easily substitute "by" for "in." Now we've got "snow is picked up by zombies," which tells you that this is in passive voice. "Gloved hands pick up snow by zombies" works, but not in the same way. If by refers to location, you're good. If the zombies are doing the thing, you're not good. Run! Zombies!
Watch your use of the word "powder" and it's other non-noun friends. You use it quite a bit, and generally, in poetry, unless it's a deliberate repetition, you should use the word once. It doesn't feel deliberate, so I'd change all but one.
The last stanza strikes me as tacked on. I wish that you would have left it off and let the reader enjoy the nostalgia of the poem without the slightly dampening note at the end. It's also quite a sudden shift from the other tone.
Another thing I would suggest is to count the syllables in your lines. In one stanza, the lines should all be within one or two syllables of each other. If not, chances are it feels awkward being read out loud. If you're unsure about how something looks or sounds, read it out loud to yourself. It really helps, actually.
I hope you find this thorough and helpful. Happy poeting, and happy February Poetry Exchange!
Oh this is actually very beautiful poem, gentle and lovely. I've never seen snowfall in my life sadly, but I wish to. Because snow is such a beautiful thing. I think all the reviewers below me has already beat me to the grammatical things. So I will give you some advice on the style and some of the rhythm in this poem.
I noticed that you didn't put the poem into stanzas, now, some poems do some poems don't, is entirely up to you. But in this instance, I think separating the poem into stanzas when necessary could convey your message across to the readers much more dynamically. One good thing, I really love the image at the end of the poem! A photo speaks louder than a thousand words!
Your rhythem is generally very good, however you somtiems repeat words or the same meaning in the next line when you have already written them above. But still, I love this poem! It captures just how special the first snowfall is! Well done, and best of luck in your writings!
-S.s
I love snow! To bad I live in the south where it's a miracle if we get flurries.
KnightTeen of West Side here to give you a review. I like the picture at the end, by the way. It's pretty.
Now, I did say that it takes a miracle for us to get flurries, but sometimes this miracle happens. And then we do exactly what you have described.
It's so perfect, the way that this captures my childhood. It's a good memory.
The only thing is that it's a little long. I would like to see this broken up into stanzas so it doesn't feel quite so run-on.
But, since grammar really doesn't matter in poetry, that's the only thing that I have to complain about!
Happy Review Day!
KT
Hey GreenTulip! Pompadour here for a quick review!
Ok, so I liked the way you presented the scene to us and how we could sense the atmosphere; it was almost tangible, really! There are some places where you could improve the poem, though. Like here:
Here, you might want to use some other word, description or whatever to describe the snow. It sounds repetitive. For example, you could say: "They run, but fall into the powdery depths" or something of that sort, anyway. It keeps the reader from losing interest, and has the added bonus of drawing people in, and keep on reading.
Then there's:
This is just a nit-pick, but you might want to add dashes in "oh so carefully" so it would be "oh-so-carefully" instead. I noticed you used numbers in your poem as well somewhere, and you might want to spell them out instead of writing in statistical form. Or maybe that's just me.
Also, over here:
Again, you might want to substitute plain "snow" for something else. Then I feel your wording is kind of awkward when you say "run and run around" and then follow it up with "friends and friends." Maybe you could say "they run and skid around" or something? And add "even more" to when you talk about the friends. It would make it seem more... natural, I guess.
My favourite part is nearing the end when you say:
It's very vivid and just makes you feel nostalgic! Loved this!
Overall, you have an absolutely lovely way of writing, and I enjoyed this poem immensely! Except for a few minor errors, but that's nothing that can't be cleared up.
So keep writing! I hope to read more of your work soon!
Digital cookies,
~Pompadour
OK so first of all I've never seen snow. Don't blame me for that, I live in the tropics! All the same I hope I'm going to be of some help here. The poem is great for sure. I like the mature use of vivid description that is so evident throughout the poem, there's also a good attempt at rhyme, like treasure and remember towards the end. There's also good use of ideophones :
Hmmpfs and uggs are heard as...
The mood of the poem is playful and fun to the point of being infectious and that speaks volumes about great language command. The theme is truly realistic and reminds us to treasure good old memories- but you probably know all this seeing as it is your poem.
You must have realized that free verse poetry is easy and fun. Good work but may I suggest you make it better by using even more styles like apostrophe, direct speech and sound patterns like internal rhyme, a bit of alliteration wouldn't hurt too, in fact it makes it all nice and juicy so it kinda rolls of the tongue.
You could even shape the poem into the shape of a snowball just for the added effect. Lastly, the vertical spacing of the poem is kinda off, was that a typo error?
All in all, a great poem and more importantly a great poetic style. I hope you write more.
I copied and pasted it over and this is how it formatted it.
This was a very good poem. That's exactly how I remember my first snow. I didn't see any errors. Nice work!!