Respect.
One word. One governing action.
Behave.
One word. One action that is to be done.
Watch out for them.
A phrase. A string of actions.
“Son, behave for Mommy."
A Father’s voice cuts through the
haze of sadness and anger.
“Son, respect the one’s who wear the uniform. Your Pa is one.”
Another voice, a teacher’s this time,
cuts through the haze of depression
and the lashing out at all who wear the uniform.
“Watch out for them.”
A command from the last breath.
A voice cutting through the
cloud of loss and anger..
“Son, behave for Mommy.
Boy, respect everyone you meet.
Watch out for them all.”
A Father’s final commands before he leaves,
to never walk amongst them again.
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139,790 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hello!
Again, you have written a very emotional poem. Neither of my parents were ever in the military, so I can't really relate, but I still love this poem. I like how it's based around the three words, and it elaborates on them. You don't flat-out say that it's a father going off to the military telling his son to behave, respect others, and watch out for others, but the point is understood, because you do a great job of showing and not telling.
Sometimes I feel like your wording could be a bit better. For instance, you use the word "haze" twice. That's not outrageous, but there are so many other words you could replace the second one with. Your last line also confused me slightly. Maybe you could say, "to never walk amongst his family again."
Overall though, this is a very well-written, well-edited, and emotional poem. Fantastic work. Keep it up!
Hi GreenTulip! So I remember reading this, but I guess I never gave it a review. Shame on me. D:
Anyways, here I am, and here I stand with no nitpicks!
This is really good. I like that you immediately jumped into the three things, explained what they were, and who told the narrator about them. We see that it is the narrator's father and I can tell straight away that he's the one in the military. We see why these three things apply to the narrator's life and why they are important.
Overall, this was a very well written poem that explained everything it needed to explain. It wasn't overly done or laced with useless details, and you got straight to the point, so that was awesome. I enjoyed this quite a lot! The message was easy to understand and explained in a very beautiful way. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your review!
First of all...nitpicks.
I would change this part to "those", as you say "one" later on and it gets repetitive. ("Ones" shouldn't have an apostrophe in this case anyway, if you decide to keep it.)
You put two periods at the end, I bet it's a typo.
Anyway...
As lewiseyles said...you strike at the whole theme of individuality and rule-following. Instead of saying that it's bad or good (flashing it like a neon sign), you just pose a scenario...and then force the reader to decide. That is where the beauty of this poem lies - it's a rare thing to see. It made me think.
The concept is an original one, yet oddly familiar.
Well done.
this is an interesting poem.
i don't know if you did it intentionally but you seem to strike at the idea of rules and guidelines set by parents that restrict us as creative individuals. that is something that i have scarcely come across on my short visit around this website, so i applaud you for that. I'm not really a fan of the pronouns 'mommy' and 'pa' but they are used effectively and rarely so it didn't bother me, and since they are like direct quotes taken from a parents mouth, perfectly understandable.
Hi, GreenTulip here.
This poem is based off the three words/phrases that military brats hear so many times. It is these three words that govern our lives.
Hey GreenTulip
I really loved how three words can actually mean quite a lot if you use them in the right way and it really says that you can use your language to it's full potential to persuade someone with only three words.
Anyway, Great job!!!
~From Pinkdinosaurs x.