A Military Child,
Lives in many different places.
They can see the world,
just by moving place to place.
A Civilian Child,
usually stays in one place.
They can see the world, just by traveling.
A Military Child,
sees the sacrifices, that the uniform entitles.
The struggles and Stress.
The heartbreak of finding out,
that your loved one is leaving,
or that they aren't coming back.
A Civilian Child,
may only see a uniform.
They do not fully understand,
what it means to wear the uniform,
and the feelings you get while serving.
A Military Child,
may see a uniform,
and could tell you the branch it is from.
A Civilian Child,
may see a uniform,
and could guess at what branch it is from.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hey GreenTulip
I thought that the comparison was a great effect and that they were both very accurate. Personally I enjoyed it.
Hey GreenTulip!
I think the topic of the poem is very interesting, I haven't read anything like it before. I wonder if you have some personal experience that inspired you to write this!
Repetition is something you need to be careful of. Sometimes it works as a good effect, but often it just sounds, well, repetitive (not in a good way). I got some vibes like that especially at the beginning - in the first two stanzas you use the word "place" three times. Place is such a nondescript word that it actually sounds quite boring, so I would avoid overusing it. However, I'm interested in the general ideas you introduce there: do you mean that a military child can only see the world by moving (and does that mean moving house or motion?) and a civilian one just by travelling? It's a nice contrast you're creating, but it wouldn't hurt to be a bit more specific.
Another repetitive bit is the second half where you mention "uniform" a lot. Since at the beginning I got the idea that every other stanza introduced a new idea that you would describe from two different points of view, devoting a whole half of a poem to a uniform was surprising. I think it could work if you made sure the reader understood why the uniform aspect is so important. If it's not hugely more important than the place, for example, maybe you can consider using something new on top of it. Whatever you decide, I think that the last two stanzas are too similar. It could be an interesting effect, but the difference of telling and guessing isn't spectacular enough for it to be a snappy ending in my opinion.
Overall, don't be scared of using metaphors and new ways to describe mundane things! I'm sure you've heard of "show, don't tell": I think that would be a good tip to follow especially in poetry! Try to come up with a cool unique comparison to breathe more life into your poems. It's difficult but rewarding!
Good luck!
Demeter x
Hi green tulip i am La and i would be doing your review today.
I really like that way you compared a military child to that or a civilian child. however i find title was bias.
I was expecting more out of this poem, maybe something that explained the life of a military child , their plights, their struggles, some type of emotion they went trough or even a tragedy the had.
This was a good effort. keep writing!
La
What did you want to name the poem...
"A Military Child vs A Civilian Child"...that is too wordy for me liking.
how about "Military vs Civilian" or "Children of two different worlds"