Young Writers Society

Hey GreenTulip, ZLYF here for Review Day as well as the Poetry Exchange.
This is a really great piece of sad poetry, I must say.
Ok first off, I don’t have any problems with the structure, I think the breaks were all made really well.
I like how you put song into a poem, as you did twice with :
“Let us pick up the innocent,
On the wings of an angel.
Let the shade of our wings be the
Saving grace they need.
Forever shall they be protected,
On the wings of an angel.
Today we say goodbye,
Only on Earthly grounds it means.
We are never truly gone.”
In terms of verses I didn’t like, the following:
“The parents stop and listen,
As they watch their baby girl
Fade so far away,
Forever out of reach.”
It seems forced, especially the third line. I would suggest using another image to describe this.
The following too does not really fit:
‘Frantic and angered eyes looked up from their dying daughter,
To the man that caused her pain.
"I can't hang on no more Mama,"’
She’s angry at the man, sure, but I think the sudden switch from addressing the parents to staring at the man back to addressing the parents is a little too fast. Also what of the reactions of the parents? This looks to be from the Parents POV, so try to add something like an attack on the man by the MCs.
This poem really brings home the point of death and its grief, and I really like the way you bring it across.

Keep it up!

Hello! Here I am with my review from the poetry exchange!
This was a sad poem
You had some really fantastic imagery and you packed the emotion in deeply. Great job!
There are some things you could improve however.
I think that the poem got a little bit repetitive towards the middle and end. As I see it, you have four main images: The dead little girl (and her killer), The grieving parents, and the angels.
You've set it up in a pleasing way, you start with the girl, you go to the parents, you go to the angels, a itty bitty interlude with the parents again, back to the angels, and back to the girl. Kinda like a <> sort of shape. Anywho, I found that you repeated yourself quite a lot, and I lost interest a bit along the way. I think if you cut down the lines that are especially similar, the poem will be more concise as a whole, easier to read, and more powerful. Read through this and mark the parts that are the same or nearly the same. If you want to keep a particular repetition for effect, I accept that, please keep it!
By all means, keep your beautiful imagery! And make sure you make the reader FEEL the poem within them.
Can you make the ending more weep-worthy? Maybe end it on some outlook on human life or something? Something that makes the reader burst out sobbing and questioning and feeling. If that's possible. It may take a little playing with words. Just something powerful.

But other than that, everything was just superb! it was written with great skill and lulled me in with its beauty and sadness.
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis

Timmy here for a quick review!!

This is a very sad poem, but at the same time it has a ring of hope inside its flowing words. This was beautiful, truly beautiful. I love how you go through her younger years, stating things that her parents will never get(or have) to do now... now that she is gone.

My favorite part? It would have to be your chorus(or repeating stanza, whichever you want)... The message it sends is just perfect.

“Let us pick up the innocent,
On the wings of an angel.
Let the shade of our wings be the
Saving grace they need.
Forever shall they be protected,
On the wings of an angel.
Today we say goodbye,
Only on Earthly grounds it means.
We are never truly gone.” ---Absolutely beautiful

The last moments of fear, of unmistakable dread,
Do not show upon an innocent face. ----This part needs some touching up on. Perhaps you could change it to this
The last moments of fear and unmistakable dread,
do not show upon her innocent face.

Hide the scars of attack.
It hides wounds from bullets, ---Another spot that needs a little work. bullets make wounds... so how can you hide wounds from bullets? Doesn't make much sense... Maybe, [I]Hides wounds form the public gaze? I don't know...

Upon the coffin, her place of eternal slumber; ---Quite poetic, but not entirely accurate. Her place of eternal slumber wouldn't be here... it would be in paradise, right? But she wouldn't be sleeping for all eternity either... Maybe, The place where her mortal body lies?

Only on Earthly grounds it means.
We are never truly gone.” ---Ok, now this part is a very small nitpick, but I am going to mention it... Are you saying that we are never truly gone on Earthly grounds? Or are the two lines not connected? If they are two parts, make them flow together. If they are separate, then make it so that no one can mistake it as such

Bringing tears to already red eyes. ----[i]Bringing more tears?

A father who will never know the joy of
Walking his daughter down the aisle. ---Those two lines should really match the next two's style. A father who will never know the joy, of walking his daughter down the aisle

Hello there, GreenTulip. It's Magpie here to review!

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

I like the idea of this poem. It's nice, but at the same time, the sadness is prevalent.

That being said, there are a few suggestions for change that I have.

This poem is quite long. I suggest you shorten it up so we can focus more on the feelings in the poem. Less is more. Make every word count towards the feeling you want the reader to feel. As it is, you put in emotion, but the poem is so long that it seems as if the bun is too long for the hot dog. As in, the emotions are the hot dog, the thing you really want to eat, but the bun is longer than that, meaning that the poem is too long, and often I'm eating mouthfuls of plain bread.

You add imagery, but poetry is about imagery more than it is about story. You tell a story, yes, but you didn't have enough imagery for me to feel like I'm there. I read poetry to go to a different place. This told me a story more than it showed me a story. My tip is to focus on the little details, and not worry so much about the big picture. If you do it right, it will show through. In fact, you could even do it in as few lines as this:

"Mommy! Daddy! It hurts!"
A last breath escapes.

She was lace and pink blooms,
now darkened by stray bullets.

Angels weep on mourning
black, a mother and a father,
red eyed, stone hearted.

She is an eternal slumber,

With light pink blooms peaking through.

I just... I can't even describe how I feel about this.
All I can get out is how great you did.
The structure is great. The idea was unique and heart-felt.
You really seemed to pull the reader into the story.
You created great visual and an AMAZING story line.

I love the feeling you also gave in the story. The shocking and haunted feel. LOVE IT!

Got a few things though:

"Two parents weep on,"
I was a little confused on what it is they're exactly weeping about. Try and explain.

"As they bury a child. "
Whose child? Who is it to these parents? Is it their child? A friend of their child's? Try to explain a little more.

All in all, this was done VERY well. You should be so proud of yourself! Keep up the amazing work! Can't wait to see more from you!

Heya GreenTulip! Pompadour here for a quick review!

OK, so I liked the foundation to this poem. It was a really touching idea, and the repetition you've used leaves a lingering yet haunting effect on the reader. Good job! I'll cover the technicalities first -- nit-picks and so on -- before turning towards the actual review.

So let's get cracking!

Technical

A little girl, six years old,
Lays in her final bed.
The last moments of fear, of dread,
Are not shown upon an innocent face.
The white-pink, sweet lace,
Hide the scars of attack.
An innocent girl-
murdered because of selfish want.

OK, so how you used "lays" here seemed a little awkward. Maybe it's just me, but I think "lies" would be more suitable here. Also, there's no need for a comma between "dread" and "Are." You use "an" and "the" a lot to describe things. Since you've already introduced the girl, I feel like you're very hesitant with the "personal" approach. Replacing "an" with "her" would bring the reader closer to the character in question, I think.
This is getting a little confusing, so how about I tweak the stanza a little bit to show you what I'm getting at? I hope it's alright with you.

After editing, this should be the result:

A little girl, six years old,
Lies in her final bed.
The last moments of fear, of unmistakable dread,
Do not peer through on her innocent face.
The white-pink, sweet lace,
Hides the scars of attack.
She was but an innocent girl-
murdered because of selfish want.

Better?

Two parents weep on,

Two parents weep on what? this bit seems a little ambiguous. I suggest you elaborate on what you're trying to say.

Standing beside a grave.
They stand together,

Using the word "stand" twice makes what you're trying to say redundant. You've already mentioned the fact that they're standing by a grave; no need to repeat the fact.

As they bury a child.

Again, I would suggest you replace "a" with "their" to add a personal touch.

As the two slowly place a rose,
Upon the coffin, her place of eternal slumber;

No need for a comma between "rose" and "Upon" either. On a side note, I absolutely love the language you've used here! Brilliant!

She is in an eternal slumber,
Dressed in sweet lace, of pink and white.

You describe her dress again here, which seems a little unnecessary. If you want it to symbolize her innocence and early death, try using some imagery. Something like: "in her shroud of pink a-bloom and a deathly pallor lace..." or something. It completely depends on what you do, and how you choose to play with words. The writer knows best, after all!

Today we say goodbye,
Only on Earthly grounds it means.
We are never truly gone.”