An average day passes slowly by,
minutes slowly melting away-
seconds slowly ticking away,
filling the house with loud tick's
from the clock that lies above my head.
I stare at the door,
my hand shaking slightly.
Out of fear? Out of anticipation?
Maybe, I, myself don't even know.
I sigh, and look away, just to look up at a sudden noise.
The door bangs open,
and he staggers in drunk, again.
My heart almost stops beating-
what will happen on this night?
My heart beats wildly,
from the fear that is pounding through my veins.
I stare down at the pale skin,
covered with bruises and scars,
and I can barely hold back a sob.
I look out into the view of the city,
that our apartment looks out over,
and wish I was home-
with a family that cares.
Hi, Tulip here to give you an author's note. This poem is NOT about me. I made this about a character of mine that is in an abused relationship.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Timmy here for a review!!
Nitpicks
I know with this you are slowly building down to smaller increments... but since seconds are smaller, I think you should gradually go up to a day... Because seconds are faster than minutes... Also, a small thought. My grandma once told me that "The days drag on, and the years fly by" A twist like that would be cool, instead of repeating the same thing in those three lines, save for changing "minutes" and "seconds"
Comments... And favoritestnessiousness.
The only thing that I found truly wrong with this is that some lines--Some stanzas--detract from the actual story here. Like the first one. It is good, and it makes the whole poem very tense, but as a first line, it pulls away from the poem idea, and make the reader focus on time...
This was a very emotional poem, and VERY, very, sad. Seeing the torture from her eyes, the CONSTANT torture, was very heartrending. I know it sounds morbid, but awesome job there. You have expressed what many writers, including myself, fail at miserably! Showing what the character feels. Amazing.
All in all, another amazing poem from GreenTulip! Sorry for taking so long. I hope this makes up for the delay.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hey this Cesare Borgia, here for a review, well obviously.
This poem is so good, that I don't even have any nitpicks. Which is very good, because I always have some kind of nitpicks.
Because I don't have nitpick, this review will require great brevity.
Instead I will tell you my favorite verse:
This line tells me everything about this character you are writing about. That is why that was my favorite line.
Cesare Borgia, signing out.
Hey Tulip,
I just read your poem. It's simple yet it clearly depicts the emotion that the character is portraying. Good word choice also but I just want to point out some suggestions for your poem.
"An average day passes slowly by,
minutes slowly melting away-
seconds slowly ticking away,
filling the house with loud tick's
from the clock that lies above my head."
Maybe you can put slowly first before passes in order for the proceeding stanzas to be in coherent with the first. You can also add some more metaphors and description that could enhance the poem making it more imaginative and striking. I don't know. Maybe it leaves me as a reader hanging on by a thread...and I am seeking for more deeper emotional perspective because as you have said, it is about an abused relationship situation and I expect more from it. Well, these are only my opinion. But all in all..you did great
Hey! I just wanted to say that this is an amazing poem!
Thank you