Self and Self battle,
creating a painful inside.
Pounding bullets against my insides,
yelling and screaming,
scratching at my brain.
On the outside,
my face is contorted with pain,
frustration, and anguish.
On the outside,
one may not see my inner war.
On the outside,
I am not facing a battle.
On the inside,
I am battling for life.
I face life or death of one half.
My soul is scarred and deformed and
I am scarred beyond recognition.
Do you doubt me?
Do you think I’m lying?
You may not see,
but you can tell.
I am not longer the innocent person,
I was from days past.
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139,790 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hello I am here for a review.
First off, I really love how you described the overall self- conflict struggle many people face. I could really feel what you are feeling inside and on the outside I can picture a character who could hide pain very well. To many people, the pain is so hard to seek out. I definitely believe that many people need to read more things like this to understand why people are the way they are.
However, I did notice one thing that was confusing to me.
I love this, because it really shows how the person feels about how people think of them. But then you wrote..
To me, it is very contradicting and I think you can end the poem stronger because the poem overall has very strong points!
I do like how you put all of those verbs on pain, and internal conflict, the reader can FEEL how YOU feel and I think that it is important for people to be able to connect to people who feel like this. Especially if someone is trying to relate to this. It is very helpful to understand, truly, how the author is feeling and I think you did a great job with that.
I also think that you could be a little more creative with the title. Based off of your poem, you seem very creative and you are very good with words. I think that if you have more of a title that stands out, more people would get this message!
Overall, good job, continue writing, you are very good!
Hey there, GreenTulip!
This is a great poem! Well done, my friend!
I loved how you described the inner battle and the invisible outer battle of a person. It was quite intense to a certain extent and a rather interesting read: I thoroughly enjoyed it!
You are a very deep and poetic person, GreenTulip, continue to write your poems for they are excellent ones!
MissLyricz x
Hi Greentulip!
I really liked your poem! The structure was good, it flowed well but mostly I liked what you were trying to convey, loads of people can relate to this and I think you wrote about it really well.
A few minor things: When you said "On the outside,
my face is contorted with pain, frustration, and anguish" but then went on to say "On the outside,one may not see my inner war. On the outside,I am not facing a battle." I think it was a bit contradicting.
The second thing is that I think you used the word "scarred" too many times in you 6th verse - you could maybe replace it with something else. I also thought you could have included a rhyme scheme or some a more consistent verse length.
However, overall the poem was great - I like how you ended with "you may not see, but you can tell" - its so true and personally I could think of at least one person whom this was true for. I also love you last line, it sound great when you say it out loud and I think its the perfect ending.
I also really liked how you said "I face life or death of one half" its the perfect line to sum up the internal battles - that was great.
Amazing poem - keep writing
Tick tock
Hi! Thank you for the review! I'll think about how to change up that part of the poem, and I'll definitely think about another way to say "scarred". I'm not sure what had drove me to this, as I had written it sometime last year, according to Google Docs!
If you have any ideas about changing the:
On the outside,
one may not see my inner war.
On the outside,
I am not facing a battle.
feel free to let me know! I'll welcome anything that may help this become better!
Now, I have to return to homework so I'll return to edit this later!
~~Tulip~~
Hi Tulip!
I don't think that the verse:
-
On the outside,
one may not see my inner war.
On the outside,
I am not facing a battle.
-
needs changing - if anything that bit was great and I think it was one of the best verses in the poem - I think it's more the verse above it. You could maybe change it to:
"I just want to scream with pain, frustration and anguish" or something - so it's not so contradicting - but this is just what I think.... it's your poem
Maybe instead of "scarred" twice you could say "I'm scared beyond hope or recognition" or something... actually that's really bad but idk... the poem is great overall...
Tick tock