Darkness is found deep within the forest,
Shadows fall on long forgotten grounds.
The grounds cry with deep seeded anguish-
Years of hatred pulling them from the ground.
Rattling moans and cries echo softly through the clearing,
Life returning to those long gone from this life.
Skeletons stained brown from age and weather.
Disturbed the peace the living did,
Now we the dead shall disturb yours.
Their voices rattled as they chanted,
Sending unearthly chills down the backs of onlookers.
Barebone, empty worm filled eye sockets.
Strips of long decayed clothing hanging from joints.
A chilling sight indeed.
A night of terror filling their streets,
Decorated for the fun of haunting and terrifying.
Children crying scared as their hopes were dashed.
Parents yelling at their children, scared and stern.
Halloween night is not so much fun,
If this is what is truly happens.
Don't be scared.
Don't yell.
Don't be frightened,
For fear you may bring them upon you.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Timmy here
I am not the best poetry reviewer, so my review will probably be pretty naïve and stick to the facts - but I will do my best.
So one thing I notice you have quite a bit in this is redundancy. Look at the first stanza, where you're talking about the forest and the ground. You say ground so many times in the stanza, and not only is it redundant, but ground is a very... vague word, and doesn't convey very much of an image. With poetry, I have always thought that the stronger word you can use, the better it is for the piece. So you could have used a more precise and imagery-filled word/phrase to describe this ground, building up an image for us. Because ground is a very vague word - giving us something that could be sand, dirt, mud, pine needles, concrete. So many things apply to the word ground. You did a bit better by telling us it was forest ground. But not good enough. Take these ideas, these skeletal beginnings of an image, and build them up as one does a house. You have the foundation right now with forest ground, but you need to build a stronger image on top of that and give us something we can truly see with clarity. What you have here is good, but I think you can do better.
technical: long - not lon
technical: stained - not stainded
technical: their - not thrpeir
So I think you did a very good job with this poem, and the idea you conveyed was very haunting. All you need to work on is the wording in some places, and the building up of the wording. As I said earlier, many of the words you used here were vague and not too descriptive in some places. I think you could have really made this an emotional and scare-factoring piece if you built up the images a bit more, and gave them life. You did well with the imagery, but since I have seen so much of your writing, I know you can strengthen the wording and images you have given us to make them better.
~Darth Timmyjake
Chilling! I love a good horror writing...heehee
Love the format and love the word choices. I think you're all good here.
I might add a comma after 'children crying' in the fifth stanza.
Also i think you accidentally typed an extra "is" in the line "If this is what is truly happens"
Super short, I know, but take it as a compliment. I commend you on your horrific work.
Hehe. Get it.
...That was supposed to be a compliment.
Man I suck at puns.
Happy review day!
This was a wonderful poem. I can't say I read poems much and I also don't know much about poems. I think you made a pretty good poem and I think you followed all the rules of writing an poem. You left me on the edge of my seat after each stanza. I really enjoyed your poem. It was a interesting read and can't wait to see more from you!
Hi, Cotton. If you go to my portfolio under the poetry section is where all of the poems I have posted while being on the sight.
That was really good, I like how you left me on the edge of my seat as I read each stanza. I think that you end the poem very well with the repetition of don't. This emphasises your point and leaves the reader thinking. I love how you twisted the modern day's free verse and gave it an older point of view, which is very interesting. You start the poem off very darkly, which drags the reader in as they grasp at the darkness that surrounds the poem.
This poem would be even better if at the end you put a comma at the end of Don't be frightened instead of making it an end stopped line as it will give it a more edgy feel to the last stanza. What I like about this idea is that I reminds me of a song (nightmare before christmas), giving it all the more reason to flow.
Thats all from me,
Well done on a good poem,
Godly
Hi, and thank you for the review.
As for the stopnay the end of "Don't be frightened" is actually a comma already xD.