----Credit goes to my Friend Saundra. I posted this for her, as she has an account on this website, but she doesn't use it anymore.----
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Little boy, Walking all alone.
His stomach is empty,
His eyes are hollow,
But nobody sees.
As he walks by,
These seas of people-
Nobody sees.
He thinks that nobody cares.
-
Mother six feet under,
Dad out every night.
He walks alone in a sea of people,
As his entire life is tossed away,
And nobody cares.
Nobody sees.
-
Little girl sixteen,
cutting her own wrists.
She hears the shouting down the stairs-
But she can’t admit,
How much she’s scared. How unprepared-
How worthless that she feels.
Tormenting herself night by night,
Striving for beauty that fades away.
The torture makes her eyes go dull,
Emptily smiling at all of the faces,
They never see the tears,
The weight of the burden she carries.
Walking among a swarm of people-
And nobody cares.
Nobody sees.
-
Young woman, only twenty-nine,
Running out of faith,
and out of time.
Newly married.
And newly widowed.
Her love fought for freedom,
And now he lies riddled with holes,
In a grave topped with a bland white stone,
Surrounded by the frightful winter snow.
-
The baby at her hip,
He sleeps soundly for now,
And she spares herself the mercy of a few precious tears.
Her fears are chasing her,
The bankers, the bills, the system,
How much longer can she keep them out of the cold?
How much longer can she hold on at all?
She can’t even mourn the man she’s lost,
As that child wakes with a little sniffle,
His cheeks turning red and eyes scrunching up,
She chokes down it all,
Before she lets herself fall.
And she weeps,
And she weeps,
Because nobody cares.
And nobody sees.
-
Old man and his wife,
Standing at a funeral.
Watching their son drift away,
right before their eyes.
The man who shot him shot twenty-three others,
And he too will die.
But nothing they do can ease the pain,
Of burying their child.
-
Done no wrong had he,
Just been in an inconvenient place-
And all was lost,
For one simple mistake.
The press desensitize the public,
They look on with glazed over eyes,
As the pair cry,
and they cry,
and they cry for the heartbreak.
And everybody sees.
But nobody cares.
-
What has made the world become so broken?
What has made compassion yield to greed?
The people shout at each other,
always blaming,
always jeering.
Claiming hate crimes,
Claiming unfair treatment,
Always wanting compensation,
For faults that they have crafted.
When the world lived to live,
not just to survive-
T’was a much better place.
When the poor were not trampled upon,
And the rich held up high.
-
Why is a celebrity mourned more so than the man who gave his life,
To save thy sacred rights?
Why does a child go hungry-
And nobody see his tears?
Why should a girl feel worthless-
Because she cannot live up to the outlandish expectations we have of her?
Why should cowards hide behind gunfire-
Leaving the parents to bury the children?
Why should a woman cry in the snow-
Because she and her baby have nowhere else to go?
-
Why do we live in a world-
Where we CHOOSE not to see,
And we CHOOSE not to care?
-
I tell you now that only we can change ourselves,
Only we can fix what is broken.
And start all over again.
Mend what is shattered,
Build up what is tattered,
Craft a better way for us,
For the young and for the old.
For the poor and the rich.
We deceive ourselves with the illusion of perfection.
-
But we live in a world,
Where nobody sees.
And nobody cares.
We are weak and bitter-
And we show this in all the ways we act.
I don’t know about you-
I don’t want to live in-
-
This world where nobody sees.
And nobody cares.
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Canary word: Present
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139,790 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
This is amazing! It has so much meaning and was very realistic, too. Some small punctuation errors but that's all I can say is wrong with this. This was really beautiful and I found myself greatly saddened by it as it was also something I could relate to. Most poems can easily drag on but I felt this was the perfect length. In fact this poem is about as perfect as you can get. Your friend is an amazing writer!
Hi, gia2505, Tulip here to relay my friends words of thanks.
She would love to say thank you for the review from the bottom of her heart.
Hi there, Tulip and Tulip's friend! Lucrezia here for a review.
I should start by saying I don't normally read or review much poetry; it's not really my thing. But I loved this!
It's not exactly a poem, but kind of like a poem/short story hybrid. If that makes sense. It was definitely long (more like a short story—and that's not a bad thing!), but you (well, your friend I mean) kept the pace moving. The flow was so good it really didn't feel long at all. And that's a hard thing to accomplish.
The examples given were very realistic, each one, and definitely heartbreaking. The social commentary and reflection of our culture was also spot-on with its realism. I definitely agree with all the points made in this and see the truths in each of them.
The wording was lovely. Some of it rhymed, some parts didn't, but it didn't feel inconsistent but rather very smooth and pretty. Well done on that.
Now, there were a few little punctuation problems. I know your friend doesn't like any strong criticism (and I don't blame her), so I should start by saying that literally everyone has nitpicks. That's what editors are for! Don't feel lousy if you have some punctuation issues, everyone does. Literally everyone.
I'll stand in as your editor for today and give you some examples. Again, don't worry—this piece was very good and the nitpicks are comparatively so small they're hardly noticeable.
The W in "walking" should be lowercase.
The comma after "walks by" doesn't need to be there.
If you're referring to the girl's age here, I'd suggest changing it to, "Little girl of sixteen."
No need for the comma after "admit."
I'd replace the comma at the end there, after "scrunching up," with a period.
Okay, nitpicks aside, I'll get back to the fun praise.
This poem really was beautifully written and very honest. It was, as I said, realistic and wonderfully worded. Your friend is super skilled at poetry... I hope she comes back to YWS someday, as this proves she definitely has a knack for writing and I think she'd fit in here really nicely after a while.
Anyway, well done and keep up the good work!
Timmy here for a quick review!!
For most poetry, I would say CUT THE LENGTH!! But with this one? The length is perfect! I love the story you write here, and if it was shorter, there wouldn't have been as much of a story there. I love how you go through everyone's life that was connected, and you run through everyone and how they were connected to the one soldier's death.
My favorite part, although also one of the saddest:
Now I will hit a few nitpicks!
Those are my only nitpicks. This was a beautifully done piece of poetry, and it looked like it took quite a while to do! This is true art. Wonderful job, Saundra!
~Timmyjake
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Very! Good
just really long
like it says not my work. i posted it for a friend
Quick review:
This is an amazing poem. The social commentary is very deep. Everything fit in together perfectly and fluidly. Credit goes out to your friend. My only real grievance is that it runs on a little too long to get to the main point. I feel four sections would have been enough to get the point across, while still being able to make sense of the poem. Still very amazing, your friend has serious talent.
This is fantastic! I really wish more people thought about this. People always are judging and jeering, and I think your poem captured that perfectly. Why don't people consider how their actions affect others? It's just sad.
Again, this is awesome,
CuriosityCat
I didn't write this poem. My friend did, and I posted it for her.
Well, SHE needs to know that this is awesome.
Hello! Magpie here to review!
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
First, make sure you make an author's note in the body of the piece that this isn't by you, but by Saundra. Not everyone reads the description, and you should give credit to your friend in a more visible place.
This poem is way too long. I lost interest in the middle of the second stanza, and it was a struggle to wade through the whole thing. My advice to Saundra is to cut out some of the stories.
Which brings me to the stories themselves. These stories were meant to produce an emotional response in the reader, but I didn't feel anything for the characters in the stories. Don't tell us stories, show us stories. Give us images and connections that make us feel like we are that character, or that character's best friend, or something. You're telling us these stories as if we are supposed to care already. Most readers are not going to care already about these characters because we don't know them. Add more imagery to bring readers into the moments these characters are experiencing, and use fewer examples so we can focus on the few examples there are. There are too many to think about individually right now.
When Saundra starts going into the rhetorical question section of the poem, it becomes preachy, as if she's trying to shove her ideas down the readers throats. I know it wasn't meant to do that, but it comes off a bit that way. Make sure that ideas aren't being conveyed unless the author wants them to.
Use italics instead of capitalizing. I wouldn't emphasize choose at all, really, but if you must, use italics instead.
I like how young these ideas are. The naivete is refreshing. There are simple answers to the questions you're asking, but I like the idealization in the poem. It's nice to see that not all people are jaded.
This isn't true at all. Almost everyone knows that the world isn't perfect. This line really stuck out to me. It felt rather accusatory. It's probably because the "royal we" was used. It feels as if the author thinks she's above the reader. Again, make sure only the things that you want to convey are conveyed.
Altogether, shorten this up, use more imagery, and watch out for what ideas are being conveyed. I hope this review proves useful to you. Have a nice day, and keep writing.
Hi, I would say thank you for the review...but I am not thankful for it. This review is out-of-the-normal range for a review to say that she is naive. The poem is expected to be long, as it is shown to be in the circumstances of different groups of people. It may not be warned to be long by me, but just looking at the poem it is shown to be long. Is that so hard to do is too scroll down a poem? If you felt like it was to long to be good, you shouldn't have read it.
This poem has made people cry and you are telling me/us that you had NO emotional response to this! What the hell is wrong with you?!
You say that the stories detract from the poem, makes it too long, makes it hard for the reader to care about the characters. But it is the stories and the characters that make this poem the incredible piece it is. Their stories are their to create an emotional effect in this poem, and if you can not see that, then something has to be wrong with you. It could span the worth of a book, and still be good.
LENGTH DOES NOT MATTER IN A POEM. The length here proves to add more to the poem. If Saundra were to take some of the poem out, it would lack the flow it has, and you would lose some of the meaning behind the poem.
What if the little boy who starves on the street was removed from the poem. What if the teenage girl who self-harms and forces herself to be in a state that society wants her to be in is cut out? WOULD THIS POEM BE THE SAME? NO IT WOULDN'T. This poem is perfect with what is in it right now. Nothing more can be added to make it better, and taking something out would prove to be catastrophic. Sometimes the longer the length the better it is. If you though it to be too long, why did you bother to read it?
Altogether, shorten this up, use more imagery, and watch out for what ideas are being conveyed. I hope this review proves useful to you. Have a nice day, and keep writing.
Use imagery, what is she suppose to do show the world exactly what they do! THIS IS A POEM THAT IS DESIGNED TO SHOW SOCIETY WHAT IS HAPPENING ANAD MAYBE MAKE A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER!
With the words that I have left on her poem on a different site:
Kay-tee: Katie Frain
Maybe you should think about the true meaning of this poem is before you start to critize it like this. Nothing was wrong with it.
We live in asociety where CHILDREN go hungry everyday but we do NOTHING to help. We live in a society that cares more about professional sport players, famous people then what we do ABOUT A SOLIDER WHO PUTS THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE TO DEFEND ALL OF OUR FREEDOMS!
I see something wrong with this country. We lead ourselves to imagine that nothing is wrong with this..and that we lead lives that are perfect enough, but all it does is mask people to the truths about society.
There is a message here, but have you received it?
Altogether, shorten this up, use more imagery, and watch out for what ideas are being conveyed. I hope this review proves useful to you. Have a nice day, and keep writing.
Use imagery, what is she suppose to do show the world exactly what they do! THIS IS A POEM THAT IS DESIGNED TO SHOW SOCIETY WHAT IS HAPPENING ANAD MAYBE MAKE A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER!
With the words that I have left on her poem on a different site:
Kay-tee: Katie Frain
Maybe you should think about the true meaning of this poem is before you start to critize it like this. Nothing was wrong with it.
We live in asociety where CHILDREN go hungry everyday but we do NOTHING to help. We live in a society that cares more about professional sport players, famous people then what we do ABOUT A SOLIDER WHO PUTS THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE TO DEFEND ALL OF OUR FREEDOMS!
I see something wrong with this country. We lead ourselves to imagine that nothing is wrong with this..and that we lead lives that are perfect enough, but all it does is mask people to the truths about society.
There is a message here, but have you received it?
"The royal we"?....No she used WE as EVERYONE does this, whether they are conscious of the fact or not. Don't deny it.
@GreenTulip: I read through the poem and magpie's response, and I honestly don't know what you're so upset about. You put this work up for review, and that invites criticism. Even if you like your friends poem, cannot expect the world to share your sentiments. Magpie put forward her perspective, and while you might disagree, that by no means means she should not reply. In fact, I found her review rather polite.
In terms of a little of my own feedback, let me say that often less is more. A tighter more compact poem might elicit more emotion than a drawn out one which feels more like a dull pain in the gut than a dagger-stab through the heart. Length definitely matters, and each syllable of poetry should be carefully weighed.
Best.
I was defending my friend. She was upset by the review. I was just voicing her anger.
My dear, sweet GreenTulip,
YWS is a place to get constructive criticism. If you don't want any, don't put it here.
Cheers,
Magpie
Nice review, magpie.
GreenTulip, learn to accept criticism.