The stars twinkle up in the sky brightly.
They span the sky infinitely,
millions of them up in the dark expanse of space.
I lay upon my back as I muse on their beauty.
Nothing I have seen have matched this
silver dotted breadth of this wild dark yonder.
Hair falls across my face with a gentle wave,
a soft breeze blowing grass against my skin.
A small giggle escaping from me,
as it tickled my sensitive skin.
The stars far above me, shine with furious glint.
I just watched amused by them.
Their playful flashes, serves no real purpose,
but to me they are everything.
I am one with the stars,
they are my saving grace,
they are my peace giving grace.
I am the one who shares their saving grace.
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139,790 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Timmy here for a review!
Nitpicks
Firstly, it is always a good idea to never repeat words, as it gets kind of... old. Nothing I have seen have ---is kind of boring sounding... You want to spice it up and make it so that there are no repetitious sounding words too close together.
It might just be me, but the second line was kind of a tongue twister to me, and I had to read it two and three times before I completely understood what you were saying. Switching words about and(or) eliminating words helps sometimes with establishing your point clearer.
Two graces there. I think you should make it so that the second line addresses something else.
Faving time and Style
As always, you find some hidden niche that all other poets seem to miss. I love your poem idea, and how you expressed it!
I love how you compare yourself to the stars, and how you will brighten up someone's day. Something I did want to mention to you: Stars, like everything else on this earth, do serve a purpose. Everything has a purpose, from the smallest plant or insect to the greatest whales. They all serve a purpose. Maybe you could use that in your poem as well? How at first glance, some things don't seem to have a purpose, and then as you understand them, you see that they truly do have one?
My favorite part would have to be this one:
So normal, but so poetic. I love, love, love, how you do the first line of that. "A gentle wave" makes it seem like so much more than just hair falling across your face.
Keep writing Poetry! Each one just seems to build off where the last poem left off.
~Darth Timmyjake
I really enjoyed this poem. It gave me a sense of peacefulness almost greater than I would get from staring at the stars myself. I have only a couple criticism. In this line there is a grammar mistake:
"Nothing I have seen have matched this."
It should be: "Nothing I have seen has matched this."
Also, in the last stanza you use grace too many times. It disrupts the flow of the poem and that's the last thing you want to do, especially at the ending.
Other than that I really enjoyed this poem and the writing style. Keep up the good work.
Hi there, GreenTulip...It's not easy being green ya know.
Here's a review for you.
First things first, this is a very interesting and well thought out poem as far as the ideas and the inspiration behind it go. I liked the way that this poem felt like it was based on your authentic experience of stargazing which btw, is an among my favorite things to do. The feelings it evokes are quite profound and stargazing has an interesting tendency to really make us think about the world and our place in it. It makes you step back and acknowledge the fact that this world is actually quite small in the grand scheme of things, but that doesn't make it any less beautiful. *Gazes intently into the distance.* Very nice premise here.
Now then, for the critiques.
*Clears throat.*
Although you seem to have a very good idea of the cornucopia of feelings that stargazing evokes within you, I think that the way you've laid it out here in this poem makes it a little bit hard for the reader to put themselves into the scene along with you. Poetry, in my belief, is the emotional literary form, and the greatest poems are those that can transcend the page and the mind and soul of the author and really reach the reader with the emotions which they create. I feel like as you were writing this, you knew what kinds of feelings you wanted to communicate and what it was about the stars that you wanted to explain to the reader, but the actual feelings got lost in translation once you took them out of your mind and put them onto the page. In some places, it almost feels as if you are taking a subjective approach to the stars and simply observing them. But in other places, you're becoming one with them and really immersing yourself and the reader within the moment by using more of an objective approach. I guess what I'm saying is that this would be nothing short of a masterpiece if you did more of the objective and less of the subjective. To put that whole idea all into one simple question: Why are the stars your saving grace and what is it about them that creates such a profound reaction within you? I think that once you are able to answer both of those questions with this poem, we're golden.
Don't get me wrong, I definitely enjoyed this piece and I thought it was a very refreshing read. I hope this review helps you should you decide to revise it. Never stop writing!
Hey
It took me a few reads to pick out problems in this poem. I think I was distracted by how beautiful it sounded. Your third stanza gave me such a strong mental image, I could almost feel the breeze myself. It's really vivid and I love it.
Now, I have just a few things I wanted to say.
'Nothing I have seen have matched this
silver dotted breadth of this wild dark yonder.'
This looks like it might be a typo, did you mean 'Nothing I have seen has matched this...'? If it isn't a typo, it still doesn't make sense.
The repetition of 'this' makes this feel a bit disjointed. My word here isn't gospel, but my suggestion would be either to change it to:
'Nothing I have seen has matched the
silver dotted breadth of this wild dark yonder'
OR
'Nothing I have seen has matched this
silver dotted breadth, this wild dark yonder'
I think that would make the rhythm much more effective.
Again, in your next stanza the repetition of skin feels a bit awkward. It rhymes, and nothing else rhymes, so that really threw me off. I don't know what you could write instead of skin, but I think there's a good alternative out there somewhere.
'The stars far above me, shine with furious glint.'
I don't think you need the comma here. However, a comma in the next line would sound really good. So it would read:
'The stars far above me shine with furious glint.
I just watched, amused by them'
Again, in the next line I don't think you need a comma. Also, I think it should be 'serve' not 'serves'. But in the next line, a comma would sound perfect. Then the whole stanza would read:
"The stars far above me shine with furious glint.
I just watched, amused by them.
Their playful flashes serve no purpose,
but to me, they are everything'
Although there are many variations of that you could. What I really meant to say is that the commas you do have are not just awkward, they are grammatically incorrect.
I'm not sure what I think of your repetition of grace in the last stanza. I do like the idea of it, it's a technique I use a lot in my own poetry, and I think it requires a lot of finesse. And you do have that finesse. I just think that maybe the pattern of syllables could be better. Again, my opinion isn't gospel, but I think the pattern would flow beautifully if you just adjusted it. Maybe something like:
'they are my saving grace,
they are my peace giving grace,
and I am the one
who shares their saving grace.'
I think the line break forces a pause in a place where you can't really use a comma. If your word choice was a purposeful stylistic choice, then feel free to disregard that advice. I know what it's like to have people criticise a very deliberate decision, and you write well enough to make those decisions for yourself.
I think you're great. I want more.