Through falling leaves,
sunshine flows brightly.
Illuminating little details-
stunningly beautiful.
Brilliant shades of colors-
flaming reds and oranges,
cooling yellows within
mellow greens.
Falling upon browning grass,
leaves scatter with the breeze.
Upon their surface,
sun's soft rays lay dappled.
Streams ripple through the trees,
softly carrying leaves downstream.
Animals line the banks,
heads dipped down to the water's surface.
Drinking the cool clear water,
drowning out their thirst.
Birds sing far above the speckled ground,
sitting among the safety of branches.
Their children looking out into a new world,
eager to stretch their wings and soar.
So many beautiful things awaiting to be seen,
but there are so many children behind screens.
Unwilling to part with them,
to see the beauty of the world outside.
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hello, hello GreenTulip! RagingLive here to review your poem!!
I loved this piece because I love anything about autumn! (except for school of course!) I also felt a bit of a touch of spring in there, and while it isn't a huge deal, I would suggest that you stick to one season at a time - it might cut down on any confusion. I could feel your poem and I could see it, a sign of a good writer and on of their good works!! I did find a few little things that could be improved on, but they won't take even a minute.
Maybe it would sound even better if we put something like, "Cooling to yellows / within mellow greens"
You might have to try it out first and make sure it sounds okay in your mind.
I would suggest changing 'leaves' to 'they' because we were just talking about leaves in the last paragraph and it was a little bit confusing when you picked it up as if we hadn't. Also, if you are talking about the leaves' surface, maybe rephrase that like:
"Falling upon browning grass, / they scatter with the breeze. / Upon crinkled surface, / sun's soft rays lay dappled."
You could also insert 'worn' or 'rugged' instead of crinkled or even another synonym that might add a bit more imagery.
This is the second time you've used 'dappled' in your poem, and while repetition in poetry isn't bad, for this poem it isn't all good either. I'm not sure if you meant to use repetition, but even if you didn't I suggest you change it so that it doesn't sound so monotonous.
I think that there are a few line you could combine to make into paragraph, such as the last four lines. Those were a bit confusing because with the second to last sentence, I wasn't quite sure what you were talking about and so I had to reread it to understand that they couldn't part with their screens. So yes, you might want to edit the formatting.
Other than this, I think that you have a wonderful poem on your hands and that it deserves a 'Like!' I hope I get to see more of your writing in the future!
Keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive
Hey, GreenTulip.
I found this poem to be very descriptive. You definitely did well with describing things. I just have a few little nitpicks here and there, but I'm going to get on with the praise first. I really like the line:
Not sure why, I just found it nice how you mentioned that the grass was browning. I'm weird.
I would find it'd be better to replace "its" with "the," since its is more of a term for living things that are genderless, such as plants or animals you don't know the gender of. That may just be me.
Nice use of the word "dappled," it's great to have an advanced vocabulary. But you used this describing word twice, and there are many other words you could choose. Watch out for repetition!
The word "babies" is a bit boring and sounds childish. Try "children" or "offspring," just not "babies."
The last line suddenly changed the subject of beautiful nature to children not seeing it. I think you need to acknowledge that children don't care about nature with more than just two lines, since that is the main focus of this poem. But you did well with describing the nature.
✖︎
Hi, Thank you for the review! I fixed those thank you so much for pointing those out.
~Tulip~
Hey!
I always get excited when I see a new piece of poetry on here, so I jumped right in.
First off, the thing that always keeps me reading is either...
1. I can create a good imagine when reading
and/or
2. The words/story give great detail or take me in a different direction
And, it just so happens your work here did both of those things. (And, poems about Autumn always get me). So, the imagery was good, wasn't too complicated, I love that. And, the ending (the last four lines), I was not expecting and I just love it when people slip that into their work, because then it speaks a whole lot more.
Now, if I may give a few suggestions? Nothing bad or anything! (I always hate this part of the review...) So, one thing I would change is only use the word 'dappled' once. As it is a good word to use, I think it's better to just use it once. It just sticks a little more if it is used once, I personally think, but it was not over used, you only used it twice! But, that is about it.
Now when I read the title, it all connects and I'm sitting here going 'Ohhh, I get it!'. Really well done and I enjoyed reading! Happy writing!
Thank you for your review! I love writing about autumn and spring because of the colors. I love art so the different colors pop out to me and poetry is one of the forms of art I can actually use to "show" them.
And you can look at any of my previous poems if you'd like. They are all listed above on the little side list if you want to look at any of them.
~Tulip~