z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Quest for Fire Book Two ~ Frozen Past Chapter 7

by felistia


For the rest of that night Zoltar couldn't get to sleep. His head was spinning and the pain in his leg didn't help. Slowly the long hours ticked by and the stars faded into the blanket of blue as the dim light of the rising sun appeared on the far off horizon. Streams of vivid fire red streaked across the orchid purple sky, the glittering sunlight sparkling off the thin coat of snow covering the ground. The pine tree Zoltar was resting under was covered in a fresh layer of frost and tiny icicle spears dangled from the pine needles.

The pain in Zoltar's leg had faded a few hours earlier and he was ready to try and walk on it. Cautiously, Zoltar got to his feet. A dull throb pounded through his leg, but it wasn't too bad. He gave tired yawn and stretched before thinking of the consequences. A sharp bolt of pain shot up his leg and Zoltar gritted his teeth as he waited for the burst to pass. The vivid images of last night whirled in front of him and he instinctively shot a quick glance at Felistia. She was still curled up in the same ball of silver scales she’d been in last night. Her tail was lied out over the snow covered grass like a poisonous snake waiting to strike, her tail spikes still stained with specks dark blood.

A thin shiver ran down Zoltar’s spine. Last night he’d gotten over his dream and had been prepared to go with her to the ice kingdom, but now he wasn’t so sure he wanted to go with her anymore. He’d been nervous enough before she’d struck him, but now he felt a bit like a rabbit being hunted be a venomous viper, never knowing when she might lash out again.

‘Stop it!’ he yelled in his head, ‘she's a dragon. I mean come on she is covered in spikes and barbs from head to tail, accidents are going to happen.’

Zoltar looked over at Felistia again, her paws were wrapped over her snout like she was hiding from something and her legs were curled in close to her body.

‘Come on, she doesn’t even know that she hurt you. The least you could do is give her another chance.’

Sighing, Zoltar painfully walked over to the ice dragon, carefully avoiding her deadly tail as he treaded through the talon deep snow. He really just wanted to get this over with and had decided to risk waking up Felistia. Swallowing the growing lump in his throat, he cautiously stroked her head, trying to wake her up without startling her.

As his paw touched her shimmering scales, Felistia breathed a deep sigh and stretched, splaying her talons like a leopard, causing Zoltar to recoil in alarm. Once he realized that she wasn't going to hurt him, he gently inched back towards her.

Her eyelids were slowly fluttering open, revealing her glittering snake-like pupils as they swam into focus.

“Zoltar?” she murmured sleepily as she rubbed her snout, “What are you doing? Where am I and what happened to the pri…?” She trailed off as a flash of realization brushed over her face. Blinking, she stared back up at Zoltar, who was busy trying to figure out what she had been about to say.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Felistia asked, wrinkling her snout as she sat up. Her eyes caught on the twisted gash streaked across Zoltar’s back leg and she let out a horrified gasp, “What happen to your leg? Who did this?” she snarled, her eyes glowing with rage, “Tell me and I will rip their wings off.”

“Felistia,” Zoltar intersected calmly, “You…did it.”

“But I couldn’t have,” Felistia cried, the pain clear in her high pitched voice, "I was asleep the whole night."

"You kind of having a bad dream and well I was near you when you started flailing around as though you were fighting someone?"

A look of guilt spread over Felistia’s face and she curled her tail in closer, hiding the spikes under one of her wings, “But…I didn't mean to hurt you,” she whispered in a voice quiet as the falling snow around them. She couldn’t look straight at Zoltar and her eyes kept darting from the pale ice speckled grass to the pine tree next to her.

 "I know," Zoltar said, not wanting her to get the wrong idea, "I'm not say that you hurt me on purpose. I'm just saying that you were tossing and turning last night and I've never seen you do that before. There has to be a reason that you were fitful last night. Where you having a bad dream? Fighting someone maybe?" Zoltar pressed, trying to get her to look him in the eye. He was worried that she was hiding something important from him and it that it was affecting her behaviour in a bad way. She'd been acting off ever since he'd mentioned the fact that they were going to the ice talon kingdom. Zoltar was sure Felistia was hiding something from her past; something deep.

Fear and rage lit up on Felistia’s face, but then it was gone as quickly as it had appeared and Zoltar wondered whether he had imagined it.

“No! I wasn’t fighting anyone!” Felistia hissed, turning her back to him. Her wings where pressed in close and her back was hunched over, "Look, you have no right to ask me these questions. What goes on in my head is not for you to know. I may have been having a bad dream and I might have been fighting with an ice talon. Okay so I hurt you with my tail, but you really shouldn't have been hovering near me. I mean what were you doing that close to me at that time of night? Let me ask you that?"

Zoltar stared at her dumbfounded. 

"I thought so," she growled, raising her tail threateningly, "Now get out of here before I really hurt you."

“Okay. I’ll just let you be then,” Zoltar said hurriedly, walking away from the hissing ice talon, thinking. Her reaction to his questions confirmed his fears. She was hiding something and what ever it was, she didn't want to tell him about it. Her actions so far had suggested that something was wrong, but know Zoltar was sure there was something dreadfully wrong. Her aggressive behaviour meant she was a danger to all of them. He padded over to Shiraku and Emerald, who were curled up in a ball together, their sides gently shaking with the cold. Glancing over his shoulder at Felistia, Zoltar lightly tapped them both, hoping to wake them up without making too much noise.

Emerald let out a soft sigh and spread her frost blue wings before getting to her feet. Shiraku just flopped a paw over her snout with a groan.

“Get up,” Zoltar growled quietly through gritted teeth as he lightly shoved Shiraku, “I have something important to say and I need you to be awake for me tell you.”

“Does it have to be this early? I need my beauty sleep. These bright blue scales don’t stay shiny by themselves,” Shiraku moaned, yawning so wide that Zoltar could see the back of her cavernous throat.

“No! This can’t wait,” he hissed firmly, dragging Shiraku to her paws.

“What is it Zoltar?” Emerald asked as she wrapped her shimmering white tail tightly around her talons a look of concern darkening her questioning eyes.

“It’s about the next part of the mission,” Zoltar sighed, wondering if he was making the right choice, “I am going into the Ice Kingdom and I need you two to stay here. Felistia will come with me and I should be back within a week. I don’t want to..."

"Wait! Wait! Shiraku bellowed, cut Zoltar off at the knees. "How come does Felistia get to go? She's the one that smacked you in the leg with her clumsy tail. I would say that she's the last one to go with. She's been acting all weird lately."

Emerald shot Shiraku a dirty look.

Slightly taken aback by the interruption, Zoltar continued, mildly annoyed, “You guys would freeze with in hours of reaching the ice kingdom. Being a shadow talon I can withstand the cold for a few days, because I am a flame breather. Felistia's coming because this is her home and it really isn't my chose to make if she stays here or not."  

Shiraku lifted a talon and opened her mouth for a second before shrinking back again, a look of annoyance burning in her eyes. “Fine,” she grumbled finally in an unconvincing voice. She stalked off a few feet away, still muttering under her breath about how unfair life was.

Wrapping her wings around Zoltar and lightly nuzzling the side of his head, Emerald whispered, “I just want to wish you good luck and to be careful, okay,” she gazed deeply into his swirling amethyst eyes while gently murmuring. “I’ll miss you.” She kissed him lightly on his snout for a few fleeting seconds before walking off to sit next to Shiraku, her scales a whirling cosmos of deep blues and galaxy purples.

Zoltar blinked in surprise. He hadn’t known that Emerald cared for him so much, after all they had only met a week or so ago. Maybe tribes outside of the shadow lands really cared about their friends or maybe her feelings ran deeper than he’d thought.

Zoltar cautiously stepped towards Felistia, the pain in his leg still burning like red hot flames. “Felistia?” he started, still a good few feet away from her encase she decided the lash out.

The ice talon glanced over her shoulder at him for a second before slowly getting to her paws and facing him, her face now heavy with guilt, "Look Zoltar. I'm sorry I lashed out at you back there. It's just that I'm going through a difficult time right now and would prefer to be left alone. I understand your concern, but I just feel it would be better if you didn't ask me questions right now. Please?"

Zoltar sighed, "I'm sorry too. I should have respected your privacy. Can we just be friends again?"

Felistia smiled warmly and wrapped a wing around Zoltar, whispering, "sure."

"Thank you Now I just wanted to ask you if you were coming to the ice kingdom and if you wanted to come with me? It would be a great help to have you with me."

Felistia studied the ground for a minute before say, "Okay, but once we get there, we part ways okay?" 

"Okay," Zoltar agreed, thrilled that Felistia was coming with him. Flying through thick blizzards wasn't exactly fun on your own.

Stepping away from him, Felistia leapt into the frigid morning air, her shining owl like wings catching the sunlight.

With a thundering roar, Zoltar joined her in the sky, beating his wings to catch up with her waving tail, but like talons cutting through ice was the fiery hot pain slicing through his leg and the seed of doubt still embedded in his mind, never allowing him to forget what had happened. And now a new fear was starting to eat at his stomach. What was Felistia going to do in the ice kingdom and why the secrecy?


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Sun Apr 03, 2016 1:11 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

This chapter fell a bit more flat for me compared to the previous couple chapters and I think part of the problem was the dialogue. I've mentioned this before and I've seen improvement throughout your chapters, but the dialogue fell flat for me in this chapter. I didn't think it felt natural.

“But I couldn’t have,” Felistia cried, the pain clear in her high pitched voice, “I would never hurt you. You’re like the best friend I have ever had.”

Best friend she's ever had? They've known each other for like a week. I don't buy that they're bffs. I haven't seen anything between them yet that makes me think they're best friends. Maybe that they're friends or teammates or that they're getting to know one another, but not this level of friendliness. If you want this to be the case, then you're going to have to do a lot more before this point building up their relationship to make me buy that this is how they feel about one another.

“I know, you're one of my best friends too and I would hate to loose you. This still doesn't numb the fact that you lashed out last night and caught me with your tail spikes.”

This feels really melodramatic to me. Again, the best friend thing. Why would he hate to lose her? What does she bring to the table that he wants/needs? Why does he care about her and want her around? And the lashing out and hurting him, it's pretty clear that that was an accident. I mean, she was asleep. She was having a vivid dream, but it's not like she willingly attacked him. Why is he getting on her case about that?

“But…I would never hurt you,” she whispered in a voice quiet as the falling snow around them. She couldn’t look straight at Zoltar and her eyes kept darting from the pale ice speckled grass to the pine tree next to her.

Hmmmm.... does this mean she's lying?? (because she won't look at him?) There's an interesting dynamic developing here and I'm still really curious to know what this dream was about and what's going to happen on their mission.

“I am not blaming you. I just want to ask a few questions, because you were acting very strange last night.

That second sentence felt really awkward to me. I can't imagine how he's saying this and I can't imagine anyone saying "I want to ask you a few questions about what happened when you were sleeping last night". That sounds like a police interrogation to me. And then he doesn't even ask her a question. I would get rid of the question part. "I'm not blaming you. You were acting very strange last night. It almost looked like you were...fighting someone, or something." I took a couple of other little segments out so you're not repeating too much of what we already know, and it creates a tone that he's curious and unsure and not accusing or hostile.

He was worried that she was hiding something important from him and it that it was affecting her behaviour in a bad way.

Break this down a bit more. Why is he worried about this? What is she doing (or not doing) that makes him think this? What does he want or need from her right now?

“No! I wasn’t fighting anyone!” Felistia hissed, turning her back to him. Her wings where pressed in close and her back was hunched over.

“Okay. I’ll just let you be then,” Zoltar said,

I was a little surprised that he let it go so easily. Could there be any other reason for her behavior last night? Could she have been having a bad dream? Since they're friends, could he mention that he had a bad dream last night and then ask if she did too? He seemed really concerned about getting to the bottom of what happened and then he gave up when she denied the one thing he was wondering about. There has to be more he's wondering about and if they're friends, he should feel comfortable asking or probing a little more. He's not trying to be mean or accusatory, he's trying to figure out what's going on with his friend. Right now all of this feels sneaky and underhanded and I thought they were friends...

walking away from the ice talon, thinking, ‘She’s hiding something and I need to find out what. She’s been acting weird ever since we left the swamps. She could be a danger to all of us.”

I'm going to sound like a broken record again, but break this down for me more. What does he think she's hiding? What are his theories or ideas? Why does he think she's hiding something? What is he seeing or not seeing? How has she been acting weird? Why does he think that's connected to her hiding something? Why does he think she's a danger? And what does he plan on doing about this?
There's no plan here, he thinks all of these things, but I'm not really feeling his distress because it's not translating into his actions. He's worried about Felistia, yet he doesn't try to get to the bottom of what's going on, he just continues on with his plan to go into this palace with her alone. That seems strange to me and a bit irresponsible.

“I have something important to say and I need you to be awake for me tell you.”

Awkward. I can't imagine a friend saying this to another friend.

“I am going into the Ice Kingdom and I need you two to stay here. Felistia will come with me and I should be back within a week. I don’t want to..."

I would really like to know more about the thought process that led to this decision. I've already mentioned this, but he's made it pretty clear that he doesn't trust her right now, yet none of his actions have changed and he's done nothing to make the situation safer. That doesn't make sense to me.

"Wait! Wait! Shiraku bellowed, cut Zoltar off at the knees. "How come does Felistia get to go? She's the one that smacked you in the leg with her clumsy tail. I would say that she's the last one to go with."

Because Shiraku and Emerald have never done anything that accidentally hurt another dragon? Shiraku and Zoltar hated each other until a few days ago. Why is an accident the night before the criteria for who gets to go? And I thought Shiraku and Felistia liked one another.

Wrapping her wings around Zoltar and lightly nuzzling the side of his head, Emerald whispered, “I just want to wish you good luck and to be careful, okay,” she gazed deeply into his swirling amethyst eyes while gently murmuring. “I’ll miss you.” She kissed him lightly on his snout for a few fleeting seconds before walking off to sit next to Shiraku, her scales a whirling cosmos of deep blues and galaxy purples.

d'awww dragon love :D

Still pondering over what had just happened, Zoltar cautiously stepped towards Felistia, the pain in his leg still burning like red hot flames.

Get rid of this preposition. Star with "Zoltar cautiously". Unless you're going to tell me what he's pondering about (which I think you sufficiently covered in the previous paragraph) don't tell me he's pondering something.

“I need to go to the ice kingdom to acquire an item for the quest and I need you to come with me. The others can’t come since they will freeze within hours, so I am going to need to know that I can rely on you. I need to trust that you will help me even if it means doing something that you might not want to do?”

Felistia lowered her eyes, studying the ground under her. After a little while she heaved a long sigh and replied with a quiet, but firm, “Yes.”

I liked the way he said all of this, but her answer felt a bit premature. She still knows next to nothing about what she's getting herself into and she's blindly agreeing. He just outright told her she might have to do something she doesn't want to do and she's like "okay fine"?
I think of Harry Potter 6 when Dumbledore is about to take Harry to get a Horcrux and Dumbledore gives him a similar ultimatum about needing help, but that Harry must do what he says no matter what. Harry talks back a bit and asks some questions before ultimately saying yes. I feel like Felistia should take a similar approach to make it feel more realistic.

“Come, let’s go.” Stepping away from him, Felistia leapt into the frigid morning air, her shining owl like wings catching the sunlight.

With a thundering roar, Zoltar joined her in the sky, beating his wings to catch up with her waving tail, but like talons cutting through ice was the fiery hot pain slicing through his leg and the seed of doubt still embedded in his mind, never allowing him to forget what had happened.

They're leaving right now? No plan, no discussion, just let's start this thing? That seems a little strange to me too.

Overall, an this is a theme throughout this story, I feel like you're right on the cusp of this being super, super good. You have the characters and the idea and the descriptions, but the story just needs more life. This is a hard thing to achieve and it's something you can work on in subsequent drafts once you have the plot arcs and character arcs nailed down. But I hope you don't become discouraged by my reviews. I know I have a lot of opinions, but remember that I'm just one opinion and you're welcome to disregard everything I say if you want because it's your story :) I really am into this story though and I'm excited to see how it continues. You have a lot of strengths as a writer and think even within this work I've seen you improve! And somehow I'm almost caught up on this! :o (it's going to happen today. for real this time) :P

Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! See you soon! :D




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Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:26 am
writerkitty wrote a review...



Hello Felistia!

Yay, I finally caught up with your story! this was one amazing chapter which actually made me eager to read the next one!! :)

I love your descriptions, dialogue and especially the characters. As the story moved on almost all the characters began to become more real and unique. It's amazing that each of your characters has distinct features and the readers get the chance to identify them.



I'm really happy that Zoltar forgave Felistia; she's an innocent, kind friend. And Shiraku, I'm really liking her now. She started out like a pretty rude ill tempered character. But now I'm pretty sure that she has a soft side in her too. And it's cool to see that Zoltar and Shiraku's getting along well.

Even Emerald is turning out to be a pretty sweet character. (I always liked her)


I'm really eager to find out what's going to happen with Felistia. Her dream actually made me pretty curious. So I'll be sure to read the next chapter.

Never stop writing and have an amazing day!!!
writer12345




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Mon Feb 15, 2016 11:28 pm
Snazzy wrote a review...



OH MY SNAZZY'S ACTUALLY REVIEWING.
So since I learned the code for the moving text thing, I'll be using it a lot. ;) :D Anyway,

“I have something important to tell you and I need you to be awake for me tell you.”


This statement seems rather redundant. We already know that they would be awake to be able to hear, so that last half isn't needed at all. (Otherwise, it sounds like you're repeating it.)

But cutting through his joy was the fiery hot pain slicing through his leg and the seed of doubt still imbedded in his mind.


(First, imbedded is spelled embedded. ;) ) Also, I like this ending sentence - but I feel the way you wrote it was a little awkward. By having the word "but" in the beginning, it makes it fell disjointed and almost like a fragment of a sentence. Try just writing it different by putting the subject first, or something. (The fiery hot pain slicing through his leg cut through his joy, and a seed of doubt was still embedded in his mind.) Or something like that.

Other Suggestions:
Basically what HolographicLadybug said about the easy-going way Shiraku and Emerald took Zoltar's mood. It's kind of, odd to say the least.

Anyway, this is pretty good! Sorry I couldn't give you much help (since I had to skip a few chapters for a little bit). But overall, this is not that bad. Keep up the good work!

~Snazz Pizzazz




felistia says...


Thank you for the review. I will go and fix the mistakes right away. :D



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Fri Feb 12, 2016 9:46 pm
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HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Greetings felistia! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!

~Nit-Picks~

and to be careful, okay,” She gazed deeply into his swirling amethyst

Because the later isn't a tag or doesn't interrupt the dialogue, there should not be a comma at the end of her line.

“Felistia?” he started, still a good few feet away from her, “I need to ask you something regarding the quest.”

Because the first part of his line (before the tag) ends in a question mark and not a comma, the tag should not end in a comma, but a period.

~Other Bits~
During the first part of the chapter, Felistia mentioned that Zoltar was her best friend, while later, he states that he didn't know that Emerald care for cares for him so much, despite that they met recently. I realize that he knew Felistia a bit longer, but not much (if I remember correctly (pardon if I get any details wrong)), so it seems a bit weird that Felistia would say that he's her best friend and he wouldn't react. Just a suggestion that you would add a simple thought or some sort of action someplace.

When Zoltar told Shiraku and Emerald that they couldn't come, I'm perfectly ok with how he said that he did not want any complaints. What kind of bugs me, however, is that he explains why he can go and the others (minus Felistia, but the reason's obvious) cannot to Felistia and not them. I get how someone would ask it eventually, but it's probably by the wrong character. Emerald and Shiraku are more likely to ask because they cannot go and they are going to care more (even if it's just a bit) than Felistia would. (Emerald and Shiraku don't even know about it!) If two of my friends were going someplace and I couldn't just because of who I am and one of the friends who can go don't seem more better off than me, I would be asking why. Do you get what I'm trying to say? Try having Emerald or Shiraku question it, even if they weren't supposed to give him strife.
But if you feel like having them ask wouldn't work well with what Zoltar said, have him tell them right on the spot, just as Shiraku starts to complain. This way, he has time to explain himself before she can run off.

Zoltar asking Felistia for a hug seems a bit random. It was so random in fact that I almost burst out laughing while I was reading (mainly because I find random things funny). side from my messed up sense of humour, it doesn't quite seems like something that Zoltar would say--or anyone really. You'll rarely see anyone hugging each other in the middle of the streets because for sentimental purposes. I would suggest removing it in favour of him asking her if she's ok (maybe) so that it is not sheerly unexpected.

I am also not quite getting as much emotion that I feel there should be. Wouldn't Zoltar be a bit sad that he has to leave two of his friends behind, while also a bit nervous of the chances that Felistia could betray him. You might have tried to make it so, but like I have said, I'm not really feeling the emotion. What I am getting from Zoltar emotion-wise is "Yep, we're leaving. See you in about a week. Bye."
To fix this, try having some emotion for Zoltar. Show us how he is feeling by using thoughts, body language, actions, dialogue, or even simple narration. This chapter is good, but feeling can bring you a whole step further.

~Good Bits~
Whooooo! Yes! The plot is finally moving along! (Does a little dance) I'm eager to see what Felistia's reaction will be when they she finds out what they have to retrieve. Also, I am excited to see what other twists you have in store for us. (Cue ominous music)

There isn't really much to say for this section because I basically dissected everything in my Other section, but I like to at least have two good things about something. (I have got one thing down already above me) Hmmmmm..... I like this? Yeah, I do. Mainly because we're moving the plot along and not just sticking around in one place for way longer than we need to. So (ups thumbs) good job. :)

Stay awesome! :) :)
~Holographic Ladybug :)




felistia says...


Thank you for the review. I will be sure to go back and work on the chapter some more. :D




Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques -- like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.
— Homer Simpson