Hello again!
This chapter fell a bit more flat for me compared to the previous couple chapters and I think part of the problem was the dialogue. I've mentioned this before and I've seen improvement throughout your chapters, but the dialogue fell flat for me in this chapter. I didn't think it felt natural.
“But I couldn’t have,” Felistia cried, the pain clear in her high pitched voice, “I would never hurt you. You’re like the best friend I have ever had.”
Best friend she's ever had? They've known each other for like a week. I don't buy that they're bffs. I haven't seen anything between them yet that makes me think they're best friends. Maybe that they're friends or teammates or that they're getting to know one another, but not this level of friendliness. If you want this to be the case, then you're going to have to do a lot more before this point building up their relationship to make me buy that this is how they feel about one another.
“I know, you're one of my best friends too and I would hate to loose you. This still doesn't numb the fact that you lashed out last night and caught me with your tail spikes.”
This feels really melodramatic to me. Again, the best friend thing. Why would he hate to lose her? What does she bring to the table that he wants/needs? Why does he care about her and want her around? And the lashing out and hurting him, it's pretty clear that that was an accident. I mean, she was asleep. She was having a vivid dream, but it's not like she willingly attacked him. Why is he getting on her case about that?
“But…I would never hurt you,” she whispered in a voice quiet as the falling snow around them. She couldn’t look straight at Zoltar and her eyes kept darting from the pale ice speckled grass to the pine tree next to her.
Hmmmm.... does this mean she's lying?? (because she won't look at him?) There's an interesting dynamic developing here and I'm still really curious to know what this dream was about and what's going to happen on their mission.
“I am not blaming you. I just want to ask a few questions, because you were acting very strange last night.
That second sentence felt really awkward to me. I can't imagine how he's saying this and I can't imagine anyone saying "I want to ask you a few questions about what happened when you were sleeping last night". That sounds like a police interrogation to me. And then he doesn't even ask her a question. I would get rid of the question part. "I'm not blaming you. You were acting very strange last night. It almost looked like you were...fighting someone, or something." I took a couple of other little segments out so you're not repeating too much of what we already know, and it creates a tone that he's curious and unsure and not accusing or hostile.
He was worried that she was hiding something important from him and it that it was affecting her behaviour in a bad way.
Break this down a bit more. Why is he worried about this? What is she doing (or not doing) that makes him think this? What does he want or need from her right now?
“No! I wasn’t fighting anyone!” Felistia hissed, turning her back to him. Her wings where pressed in close and her back was hunched over.
“Okay. I’ll just let you be then,” Zoltar said,
I was a little surprised that he let it go so easily. Could there be any other reason for her behavior last night? Could she have been having a bad dream? Since they're friends, could he mention that he had a bad dream last night and then ask if she did too? He seemed really concerned about getting to the bottom of what happened and then he gave up when she denied the one thing he was wondering about. There has to be more he's wondering about and if they're friends, he should feel comfortable asking or probing a little more. He's not trying to be mean or accusatory, he's trying to figure out what's going on with his friend. Right now all of this feels sneaky and underhanded and I thought they were friends...
walking away from the ice talon, thinking, ‘She’s hiding something and I need to find out what. She’s been acting weird ever since we left the swamps. She could be a danger to all of us.”
I'm going to sound like a broken record again, but break this down for me more. What does he think she's hiding? What are his theories or ideas? Why does he think she's hiding something? What is he seeing or not seeing? How has she been acting weird? Why does he think that's connected to her hiding something? Why does he think she's a danger? And what does he plan on doing about this?
There's no plan here, he thinks all of these things, but I'm not really feeling his distress because it's not translating into his actions. He's worried about Felistia, yet he doesn't try to get to the bottom of what's going on, he just continues on with his plan to go into this palace with her alone. That seems strange to me and a bit irresponsible.
“I have something important to say and I need you to be awake for me tell you.”
Awkward. I can't imagine a friend saying this to another friend.
“I am going into the Ice Kingdom and I need you two to stay here. Felistia will come with me and I should be back within a week. I don’t want to..."
I would really like to know more about the thought process that led to this decision. I've already mentioned this, but he's made it pretty clear that he doesn't trust her right now, yet none of his actions have changed and he's done nothing to make the situation safer. That doesn't make sense to me.
"Wait! Wait! Shiraku bellowed, cut Zoltar off at the knees. "How come does Felistia get to go? She's the one that smacked you in the leg with her clumsy tail. I would say that she's the last one to go with."
Because Shiraku and Emerald have never done anything that accidentally hurt another dragon? Shiraku and Zoltar hated each other until a few days ago. Why is an accident the night before the criteria for who gets to go? And I thought Shiraku and Felistia liked one another.
Wrapping her wings around Zoltar and lightly nuzzling the side of his head, Emerald whispered, “I just want to wish you good luck and to be careful, okay,” she gazed deeply into his swirling amethyst eyes while gently murmuring. “I’ll miss you.” She kissed him lightly on his snout for a few fleeting seconds before walking off to sit next to Shiraku, her scales a whirling cosmos of deep blues and galaxy purples.
d'awww dragon love
Still pondering over what had just happened, Zoltar cautiously stepped towards Felistia, the pain in his leg still burning like red hot flames.
Get rid of this preposition. Star with "Zoltar cautiously". Unless you're going to tell me what he's pondering about (which I think you sufficiently covered in the previous paragraph) don't tell me he's pondering something.
“I need to go to the ice kingdom to acquire an item for the quest and I need you to come with me. The others can’t come since they will freeze within hours, so I am going to need to know that I can rely on you. I need to trust that you will help me even if it means doing something that you might not want to do?”
Felistia lowered her eyes, studying the ground under her. After a little while she heaved a long sigh and replied with a quiet, but firm, “Yes.”
I liked the way he said all of this, but her answer felt a bit premature. She still knows next to nothing about what she's getting herself into and she's blindly agreeing. He just outright told her she might have to do something she doesn't want to do and she's like "okay fine"?
I think of Harry Potter 6 when Dumbledore is about to take Harry to get a Horcrux and Dumbledore gives him a similar ultimatum about needing help, but that Harry must do what he says no matter what. Harry talks back a bit and asks some questions before ultimately saying yes. I feel like Felistia should take a similar approach to make it feel more realistic.
“Come, let’s go.” Stepping away from him, Felistia leapt into the frigid morning air, her shining owl like wings catching the sunlight.
With a thundering roar, Zoltar joined her in the sky, beating his wings to catch up with her waving tail, but like talons cutting through ice was the fiery hot pain slicing through his leg and the seed of doubt still embedded in his mind, never allowing him to forget what had happened.
They're leaving right now? No plan, no discussion, just let's start this thing? That seems a little strange to me too.
Overall, an this is a theme throughout this story, I feel like you're right on the cusp of this being super, super good. You have the characters and the idea and the descriptions, but the story just needs more life. This is a hard thing to achieve and it's something you can work on in subsequent drafts once you have the plot arcs and character arcs nailed down. But I hope you don't become discouraged by my reviews. I know I have a lot of opinions, but remember that I'm just one opinion and you're welcome to disregard everything I say if you want because it's your story I really am into this story though and I'm excited to see how it continues. You have a lot of strengths as a writer and think even within this work I've seen you improve! And somehow I'm almost caught up on this! (it's going to happen today. for real this time)
Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! See you soon!
Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162
Donate