Falyn
The Ethir Caves looked just like they did in the textbook pictures. Hoards of gray and back boulders combined to make the gaping caves that stood before her. There were about a dozen of them, scattered about in a strange line, hidden in the trees. Falyn didn’t know exactly where the caves were, but she knew that they were within the boundaries of Lightport. They hadn’t transported as far as it seemed.
Falyn hated transporting. It made her stomach churn. It was only the second time she had ever transported and it hadn’t gotten any better. Once their feet left the ground, it felt like she was being thrown from one side to the other, then squashed down to half her size. Arriving at the destination was by far the best part. She always kept her eyes closed, but she knew when they landed because it felt like her body stretched itself out, returning to its normal state. She wondered if everyone else was used to the feeling and she was just the odd one out.
Now that they were at the caves, Falyn didn’t know what to do. They were planning on attacking Rhys and stopping his plans for good, but how would they do that? No one even knew where his fortress was. Falyn remembered Zeke was the one who had told them where the fortress was, but he turned out to actually be Rhys. Now it made sense how he knew where it was. She supposed Aidan might know where the fortress was, but she didn’t know if he would want to admit it. That would require a long, most likely shouting match, conversation with Akia.
Of course, Akia was the one to take control. “Phillip, I need you to locate any signs of magic close to here. Rhys’s fortress will have an outpour since he has the Warriors with him.”
“No need,” Aidan interrupted. He took a deep breath before continuing. “I can take you there.”
Falyn glanced nervously at Akia. To her surprise, Akia didn’t look the least bit shocked. If anything, she looked relieved. “I’m glad that you and George ran into each other.” She said, the underlying message of Aidan’s statement lost on her. Aidan wrinkled his eyebrows, but his expression soon cleared and he nodded.
“Change of plans – we’ll follow Aidan.” Turning back to Aidan, Akia asked, “Is it close?”
“Not particularly.”
She pursed her lips. “I hope everyone’s got on their walking shoes.” She motioned for her brother to walk head and quickly followed after. Falyn waited until everyone had passed and fell into step with Sam and Mina.
They walked in silence for a while which only lifted Falyn’s spirits. It felt right there with the two of them. Sam had been there from the very beginning, even though she didn’t know it, and despite the argument the night before, Mina had tried to save Falyn from the pain of learning who Zeke really was. No matter what had happened between them since coming to Lightport, Mina still cared about her. That was enough for Falyn.
“What do you think they’re talking about?” Sam asked, finally breaking the silence. When Falyn shot him a look, he pointed to the front. Akia and Aidan were whispering to each other, their heads as close as possible. The rolls seemed to be switched; the younger sibling scolding the other. Akia’s face was twisted in anger and Aidan kept his eyes on the ground or just ahead, anywhere but Akia’s gaze.
Falyn watched them as they continued on, coming up with one crazy idea after another. The obvious answer was far from the right one. Aidan couldn’t possibly be telling Akia what he had been up to since they left Vertfay. The whole group would’ve been stopped already and working hard to keep Akia from pummeling her brother. There would’ve been more of a scene.
Sam suddenly stopped. Falyn doubled back after she waved Mina on. She watched him stare at the ground, his eyes lost. A few moments later, he shook his head and looked up again. He jumped when he saw her standing there.
“Thought you would’ve moved on without me,” he murmured.
She only shook her head and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay? Did something happen in Vertfay?”
“No, nothing happened. I’m just…” he trailed off and sighed. He kicked at the rocks as he explained. “I hurt my head. Got knocked in the jaw by Dorrin—"
“That creepy mask guy?” Falyn asked. She remembered Akia explaining their new enemy to her back when they were locked up. Knowing that there was someone else out there searching for them didn’t make her feel any better.
“Yeah, him. Anyway, when I landed my head hit hard and it hasn’t been the same since. Akia had to tell me everything because I can’t remember any of it.”
“Wait. You don’t remember anything?”
He shrugged. “All I remember is walking into that house. Next thing I know the sun is starting to rise and Akia is lying on my chest crying. It took her a while to calm me down enough to convince me of anything.”
Falyn stared. She couldn’t believe that he had gone through all of that and was still trying to fight. “You can’t be here! Go home and rest. One more hit to the head and…” She didn’t need to finish for him to understand; she could see it in his eyes. He didn’t respond, only shrugged and mumbled something she couldn’t understand.
They started walking again, having to move faster to catch up with the others. Each cave they passed sent a chill down her spine. Any one of the Hund Warriors could be hiding in them. Despite Aidan leading the way, there was always the possibility that he was wrong. Fear grasped her heart as she saw a pair of blood red eyes in the shadows of each of the caves. Once she looked again though, they were gone, only a trick of the light to mess with her head.
Falyn kept a good eye on Sam. She was too scared for his health than she was about the fight they were bringing. If anything happened to Sam she wasn’t sure if she could deal with it.
“Akia,” Sam said. Falyn looked over to see Akia stalking towards them. When she reached them, their footsteps fell into sync.
“Which of you two knew about my idiot brother?”
“Getting right to it, aren’t you?” Sam joked.
She didn’t seem to appreciate it. “I want to know. He just told me everything. Said he was hanging out with Rhys working for my mother’s life. But not once, not once, did he think to tell me what he was doing. I could’ve helped him, could’ve struck a deal with Rhys, could’ve… could’ve…”
“Could’ve thrown away all of the work you’ve put in over the past six years.” Sam interrupted. He had rendered Akia silent, reducing her to mundane movements of her mouth, trying to form words that weren’t going to come. “Look, Akia, you couldn’t have done anything. Aidan made a decision to protect your mom and to protect you. If he had tried to make a break for it, Rhys would’ve killed your mother and come after you. Everything you’ve been planning would fall to none.”
“That’s exactly what he said,” she mumbled. “But that doesn’t mean that I have to forgive him.”
“Never said you did.”
“’Cause I won’t.”
“I believe you.”
Falyn stopped and held out her arms to stop the both of them. She had been so engrossed in the conversation that she hadn’t noticed what was going on around her.
They had passed about a dozen caves of different sizes. Aidan had stopped them just before the last group of caves, staring straight ahead. His hands were clenched in fists by his side and he didn’t move. She stood on her toes to see around him, trying to figure out what was going on.
George was walking towards them looking paler than she had ever seen. His shirt was crumbled at the bottom and his jeans were ripped below the knees. The arrogance that she had come to know from him was gone, replaced by an empty gaze.
“What do you want?” Aidan snapped. Layna step up next to him, fingers loose by her side. She was ready to step up to save him if need be.
George raised his hands in surrender. “I just want to talk. Rhys didn’t send me out here. You gotta believe me.”
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129,434 Literary Works • 671,505 Reviews
Timmy here!
I'm going to start this off as I've found myself doing a lot lately - grabbing a place and seeing where it takes me. As always, it's difficult to find a good opening place! xd
First off, I notice Falyn... and how much she hates doing that transporting, but she hasn't done it enough to acquire a strong hate for it like she has here. And, really, when you described it, you didn't put enough sensory feeling in there to make me hate it, too. We basically are told why she hates it, but I didn't feel the reason why. I think it just needs a bit of tweaking to present her feelings and the descriptions better. And you should probably do away with always in that paragraph, as she's only done it once before.
Again, I would have liked to see more of the other characters in here having ideas, stepping forward. Isn't Phillip supposed to be the big boss guy? How come he's standing in the background, letting everyone else do the talking and ordering about?
Slows down the scene unnecessarily - cut. Scan through your chapters for sentences like these that tell the reader what they've already figured out. If you weed out all of these superfluous sentences, you'll have more fluid and concise writing.
Well, that's jolly good news to hear. I wasn't sure whether to pummel the screen or just scream when I read that. The past like fifteen chapters, she's done no thinking about Sam, no talking to Sam, no looking for Sam. It's all been fluttering eyelashes at Zeke. I'm not saying that her falling for Zeke was a bad thing - on the contrary. I think it's your best plot twist of the entire book. Buuuut, you can't have Falyn basically forget about Sam for a long, long time and then just now get all emotional about him. I think you just need to implement him more into her narration in earlier chapters? That way we see how much he still means to her, Zeke or no Zeke involved.
This sentence is meh - doesn't read very well. Tweak it and see if you can help it flow better. The middle section is to blame for it all. ^^
... Now that is a confusing visual. Why is she standing on her toes to look around him? You'd think she would do that if she was trying to see above his shoulder or something to do with height - not looking around. So I think this all just comes down to an inaccurate description? Easy to fix. c:
Comma after them.
But isn't this gaze familiar to Falyn? She's been seeing it every time she saw George the past few days - especially when she was in the cell. I remember a very detailed description from Akia's point of view of George and how he looked, and this seems quite similar. So perhaps the empty gaze is more familiar than this sentence says?
Typo: stepped
Once again, your brilliant reviewers have left almost nothing for me to say. You've left yet another chapter on the brink, though - a cliff hanger! I want to know what's going on nowwww. I suppose another review will fix that longing? xd But seriously, your cliffhangers are the best because most of the time, I don't even notice them. They're always there, a subtle prod to turn the page. Of course, you do have your very blatant ones, too. >> You know, those that leave me fidgeting all week while waiting for your next chapter? :p
Another amazing chapter, Noelle. Keep it up. c:
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi Noelle!
Congrats on finishing the writing of this novel! I am going to work my hardest to catch up with reviews and be all done. It would be great to tick this novel off my list, and it means I am also getting closer to knowing what has happened in the end! I know you mentioned that this one has transformed into Akia's story, and I actually couldn't agree more. I am not entirely sure when, but somewhere in the middle we started to be hear from Akia a lot more and it was less us shipping Falyn and Sam, but more so Akia and Sam and Falyn with Zeke. I think that this chapter was more a connecting one as they simply travel to another area and we get to see George approaching them, which feels more like a set up for the next part of this chapter. It's good to run through some more thoughts here, and now we also understand that more people have become aware of Sam's situation than simply Akia.
What I was most underwhelmed about in this chapter was Akia's reaction to hearing about what happened with her brother. I mean, Sam does quickly justify the means, but I never knew that he was on his side. I got the impression that Sam wouldn't agree with all his choices, but could still understand his arguments. I am surprised that even he was assuring Akia he still didn't take a small snide remark in Aiden's direction or something like that. Oh, and I wanted Akia to be a lot more angry. We weren't there to see the initial unveiling of all that had happened, but seeing the aftermath can be just as important. But all Akia seems to do is shout a little bit and turn around and accuse those who didn't tell her. Sure, she would do that, but she doesn't seem angry at Aiden in the slightest, or at herself for not questioning the obvious. The only impression I would deduce from this is that Akia already knew about what happened in a subconscious way?
You say this, but then later on you go and mention how she has only been transported once until the exact moment when she transforms again. But the way you write this makes it seem like she has done transporting countless times before and doesn't want to come at all. For example you could change it to: Falyn hated transporting after only one time of experiencing it. Longer sentence, but it sounds a lot better.
The 'right there' in the middle of the sentence threw me off. I mean, it sounds like a different sentence because of where you immediately put the stresses. I would add in 'to be' after right, so that those two awkward words aren't next to each other.
After reading this I think you can also see the problem. There really is way too much of 'where the fortress was' and it get awfully repetitive. When it comes to this you need to think of more creative words to say the same thing. Use it and make sure it isn't all the sentences ending with those words.
I think you mean *ahead*
Wait, although you have been very good with this until now, I was confused as to who the him was. Was she stepping next to Sam to offer protection, or was she standing next to George to offer him support because she likes her? I am so confused and you really do need to classify who you are talking about.
That's all I have to say! Feeling tired so heading to sleep now. I should be back to review again this weekend!
Deanie x
Hey again!
Something that I forgot to note last chapter was the very ending line. Akia doesn't have powers anymore, remember? So she can't transport people anywhere. That being said, the last line is completely invalid (and I just realized it while I was judging the transition, which is okay if I had just payed more attention.) Might want to reword that, because if you didn't mean Akia, then I'm lost.
Also, Akia doesn't know where they are. Aiden does. So he should probably be the one to transport them, right? Anyway, onto this chapter stuff.
I like that you started out describing them, to help us get a better picture about what is going on, but the descriptions don't make very much sense to me. It says that the boulders combine in a row to form the entrance, but I don't understand what that's supposed to mean. How do the boulders, that make the cave, scatter through the trees. Is it one massive cave or several little ones? Perhaps it would do some good to go into a little more detail and even compare it to things we would be familiar with and less confusing? :3
-- Having actually read through the chapter, I have a better understanding, but I'm still not sure what you were trying to say in the beginning... I still recommend rewording it, maybe mentioning that each boulder is a cave in and of itself? --
Okay... when was this? I thought it was Aiden who had said the chapter before that the base was in the Ethir Caves. Sure, Zeke had saved them from a fortress, maybe not The Fortress, but other than that I am at a loss. (Was this just a slip up of the memory? Because the next line is even more wrong.)
Here's proof:
Spoiler
//flashback end
Alright, what I don't understand is how did Mina find out? She of course came to warn Falyn, that's how she got caught all those chapters ago (three, but still). But, how? From Aiden? How come he didn't come with her too? I don't think it was made very clear then, because if Aiden was correct in his assumption that Rhys was Zeke, then obviously Mina couldn't ward him off herself, right?
[quote]One more hit to the head and…[quote]
Uh, so I don't understand the hint. Falyn is talking to Sam about his newly gifted concussion, pleasure of Dorrin, but I don't know a lot about concussions or head injuries, so I was super lost when Falyn said this. What could happen? It would kill him? He would lose all of his memory? I would recommend making this more clear, for readers like me who have no outside world knowledge xD
Speaking of memory, I do wonder how far back Sam actually remembers. He never specifies, but Falyn doesn't bother to ask. Of course it's not full amnesia, like the who-am-I scenario, so it would be nice to understand what he does and doesn't know. Like, did he remember losing the locket? Even getting the locket? Why they were in Vertfay in the first place? Just some part when it gets hazy for him ^^ Also, if Sam can hardly remember things, why would Akia think he knew about her brother? Just saying.
Final thing that concerned me was why is Falyn so concerned for Sam. Obviously, they're still pretty good friends, and this may just be me spewing random stuff again, but it feels like they've drifted apart over the course of the novel. Is what could happen that severe? I have no idea. But, it just seems like they haven't had that much action (not much love for Sam <3) together and it seems weird to me that Falyn would suddenly be all worried about him.
George, George, George. You've got me torn here. I want to love George so badly now, trust him because he was able to make it out. But he could be lying, tricking them. Maybe Rhys didn't send him out, but he went out on his own accord to still help out Rhys? I don't know man, you've got me all tense.
Shorter-ish review here, but I hope I helped some. If you need clarifying, you know how to get me ~ Happy writing,
~Wolfare
First, may I comment you for your ability to have a dialogue. I cannot master the dialogue aspect of stories. It's impossible for me to do. I like Akia and Falyn,I still dont know who Rhys is but I'll read back and figure that out. I didn't really see and grammar issue which is good since grammar errors can be ver distracting in a story. The plot is good and stable and I like that you don't ramble and wander with your writings. The style isn't very unique, but that's fine, its written in a mature, polished manner which is hard to do. The info provided is relevant and not unneccessary like some stories will do. I liked it and will follow for more.
I really liked the writing style. It isn't exactly unique but it makes for an interesting read either way. I have read since chapter one and I like the character development because it is subtle and information seems relevant when given to the reader. In terms formatting it is done very professionally. As for improvement maybe you should look at the dialogue and try to make it more realistic in terms of how conversation works, For the most part you use good dialect in the conversation but some words are odd choices and maybe un-representative of the character.