With each step, Akia shuddered. She wasn’t sure if she was doing the right thing anymore. Rhys would be out there waiting for them, banking on their escape. No matter what they planned, he always seemed to know what was going to happen before it did. He was unpredictable and it didn’t make her feel comfortable.
She suddenly stopped, making Falyn bump into her from behind.
“What’s wrong with you?” Falyn asked, grabbing onto the railing to steady herself. “We have to get out of here.”
“George,” Akia said softly. “He’s the reason we haven’t had the element of surprise yet.” All three sets of eyes trained on her, two from ahead and one from behind. She groaned in frustration. How could they not see it?
“It’s the simplest answer,” she continued. “Think about it. George is a seer – he knows the future. He’s been telling Rhys what’s going to happen so they can have the advantage. Everything we’re about to do, Rhys already knows. Once we take care of that problem, everything will fall into place.”
She looked at each of them in turn, waiting for them to understand. If this was going to work, she’d need all of them on the same page.
“So,” Falyn started, her eyes darting between each of their gazes. “You want us to take out George?”
Akia nodded enthusiastically, resulting in shocked looks from the others. When she realized what they thought, she quickly shook her head. “I don’t want to kill him! We just need to get him away from Rhys. It would be nice to have him back on our side, but I’m not sure if that can happen.”
It wouldn’t be easy, but she knew that she could do it. George had enough guilt built up inside to betray him. She already took the first step by pretending to be devastated that he had betrayed them. It was all part of the bigger picture.
No one said anything against her so she assumed they were on the same page. She hadn’t really expected anyone to disagree anyway. She had made worse plans than this in the past and everyone went along with those. This one wouldn’t be any different. Except this one had a higher success rate.
They continued on in silence, the only sound their heavy footsteps. Once they reached the door and headed back out into Headquarters, the plan could start playing out.
Akia’s mind suddenly turned to Zeke. How could she not have known that it was just Rhys messing with their trust? All of those years she had spent around him and she couldn’t see through his simple mask. It should’ve been immediately apparent to her. She knew something was up from the moment Zeke joined the journey. She had just assumed he was being strange and decided to keep a close eye on him. She had never met the real Ezekiel Nasca which made her even more cautious with her trust. She just hoped that the real Zeke was alive and willing to fight with them.
What would happen after the fight? It was something that had been bothering her for a while. They knew how to defeat Rhys, but once he was gone they’d have to turn to rebuilding the worlds. That would be a bigger job than anyone could imagine. How would they actually pull it off?
She shook the thoughts from her mind. She was getting ahead of herself. They hadn’t even stopped Rhys yet. The fight wasn’t over, nor had it even begun. Rebuilding the worlds would be a problem for a later time.
Sam reached for the doorknob and pushed the door open. The sun engulfed them as they stepped out into the late morning. Akia shielded her eyes, suddenly confused as to why it was so bright. There weren’t enough windows on the first floor of Headquarters for this much natural light to be coming through. Once her eyes adjusted, she gaped.
Headquarters was gone; nothing but a pile of crushed brick and rock. She looked behind her to see the stairs leading down into the ground still in tact, hidden behind stone walls. When Rhys destroyed Headquarters, he made sure to keep the basement preserved. It really was meant to be a prison, to keep them from escaping and messing up his plans. They weren’t supposed to make it out.
Standing not too far away, just outside of the rubble, was the rest of the group. Phillip stood with his eyebrows knit, his hands shaking in fists by his side. Aidan seemed to still be taking in the surroundings, an empty look in his eyes. Only Layna seemed unfazed. Her eyes were trained on some point in the distance, her mind, no doubt, running at top speed figuring out a way to get revenge. Layna was always good at hiding her true feelings.
“What the hell happened here?” Mina asked. It was what everyone else was thinking, but she was the only one able to talk.
“Rhys destroyed it all,” Phillip said, surprisingly calm for his demeanor. “He came through with the Hund Warriors, took the people’s magic, then disappeared. Not before he crushed Headquarters though.”
Akia looked around, noticing that all of the other buildings in the world were still standing – as far as she could see. “He only destroyed his one?” Phillip nodded. A sudden thought gripped Akia’s heart. “The kids got out, right?”
“We evacuated first thing,” Aidan reassured her. “No way we were letting Rhys get anywhere near those kids.”
“Where are they now?”
“Home with their parents.”
“So all of the magic is gone?”
Aidan nodded. “I’m afraid so.”
“Well, not exactly all of it,” Layna said. “We still have ours. We were able to fight off the Warriors and hide until Rhys was gone. He thought he had made good on his plan, but he was wrong.”
“How exactly did he take the magic?” Falyn asked. The question brought Akia memories that she didn’t want to relive ever again. She saw herself in that building, wrapped in the wind as Rhys pulled the magic from her. It had been so easy for him.
“I don’t know,” Layna said. “We saw the last group of people he drained powers from. They just… stood there. Rhys held out the locket and soon everyone turned pale and collapsed to the ground. After that he left and we were able to rush to help the people. When they tried to use magic, nothing happened.”
They all fell into silence. It was their worst fear come true. If what Rhys said about Agathi was true, there was no magic left in the worlds. Everything had been taken from them. All because a young man felt thwarted and wanted revenge. He got his revenge all right, but it only made him more enemies that wanted to take him out.
Six of them still had powers. Between them, three different magics were represented: mage, magician, and telek. With their combined powers they could take out Rhys, no matter how much power he now had. He could still only fight with one magic at a time while they had three immediately at their disposal. If only Falyn had had the time to learn shapeshifting magic. That would’ve been rather helpful.
Akia glanced at Phillip. “I think this is it.” Phillip nodded in agreement and stepped back, letting Akia take over. She smiled sadly. “We need to go after Rhys. Now. We’re going to get the magic back.”
Her exclamation received mixed reactions. Mina was mumbling something about crazy plans while Falyn only stared at the ground. Phillip crossed his arms, but she could see a slight smile on his lips. Aidan and Layna stood taller, looking as if they were itching to fight. Sam’s expression was hard to read, but she knew that he was on her side.
“Listen,” she shouted. “This is the only way anything is going to change. We lost everything we fought so hard to keep. So what. Rhys has the locket and a whole army to fight against us. So what. We have the moonstar, the only one of us that can combine two powers and use them as one.”
Falyn shook her head. “I’m no use. I don’t even know how to shapeshift.”
“It’ll come to you, I know it,” Akia responded. “It’s inside of you. Magic doesn’t just sit there, it has to be used. You’ll figure out how to use it and then everything will be okay.” Falyn raised her eyebrows, but didn’t argue further. So Akia continued.
“We’re going to bring the fight to Rhys. He’s been running all this time, jumping from world to world, waiting to take powers until everyone is asleep or not a threat. He won’t know what to do if we all come after him at once. When we find his hiding place, the real fight will begin.”
“And how will we find that?” Mina snapped. “It could be anywhere!”
Aidan shuffled his feet and looked at the ground. “The Ethir Caves. That’s where his fortress is. I can lead you there. George told me where it was.” He added the last part quickly as if to cover his own back. Akia wondered what he was doing talking to Rhys, but she didn’t want to get into it. They had to get moving. They were losing precious time.
“We’ll follow Aidan to the fortress,” she announced. “Once there, we’ll figure out the best way past the Warriors and attack all at once. Just know that he will try and use every magic he can on you. It’s not like fighting a single person. There are many different personalities he now owns because of the magic. Each time he uses different magic, it’s like you’re fighting another person.
“Rhys has taken everything from me; from us. We’ve spent too many years hiding from him. It’s time we bring the fight to him. We won’t give up until the locket is in our hands and Rhys is under lock and key.
“The only way we can do this is together,” she continued. “Our powers combined will be too much for him. The running ends now. We take back what is ours and regain our lives.” She held her hands out to either side, palms up. No one moved for a moment, but then Sam grabbed her hand and reached out for Falyn’s. In a matter of seconds, they were all linked, looking to Akia for guidance. Even Phillip was looking to her.
With a single nod of her head, they all closed their eyes and focused on a single image. Once Akia connected all of their minds, she transported them to the mountains.
----------------------
For the LMS contest. Word count: 1,795
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129,434 Literary Works • 671,505 Reviews
Here now. c:
Allow me to get this troublesome thing out of the way~
Look at this. What does it tell you about Rhys? It tells me that since he always knows what's going on... he's predictable.
... And now he's unpredictable. Those two sentences contradict each other, so you should try and fix that up. I know, I know - so silly. But I had to mention it! Also, you could work on the second half of the second sentence. Instead of how you do it there, you could do and it made her feel uncomfortable. It'd flow better, I think. c:
One quick thing I notice in your narration: you use made and makes quite a bit, so much so it becomes redundant. In the sentence above, you use it - then the sentence after that has the same thing. Making Falyn bump into her. Work on finding something else, because even if you only used that occasionally, it still sticks out like a sore thumb. They just don't... work.
Why would her thoughts go to Zeke? It didn't make sense to me in the slightest, actually, and the chapter would benefit from that being cut from it. And even if it made sense for her to be thinking about Zeke (while it seems more like something Falyn would do), it breaks up the story you have going, breaks up the reading. Because the reader can sense we're heading into an action-packed time, the flashback makes us stumble and struggle re-discover our place and pace of the chapter. In my opinion, it does nothing to move the chapter forward and could go with no loss whatsoever. Let Falyn do that thinking later, or fit it into a conversation between Akia and Falyn. It'd make more sense that way.
There's not much in this chapter to go off of for nitpicks, because while it is written not as perfectly as the rest of your chapters, it's still quite good. The only thing I can see now is just a little thing that irked me when I read. Akia is, quite simply, everything. The other characters do basically nothing! They all nod their heads and agree while Akia comes up with every wonderful plan on the planet(s), directing them all around and being the big boss woman. Meanwhile, everyone else basically remains silent and does as they're told. The last few paragraphs were the worst, especially. There's a big rule in writing - don't let your characters be windbags. In that bit, Akia was definitely using up all the air in the room - just talking on and on and on, without allowing anyone else to butt in for a conversation. It was a lecture, plain and simple. I mean, I get that they all needed a pep talk, but you still need to have quite the conversation going on there. And besides, with all that's happened to her in the last hours, she doesn't seem the right person to have the pep talk - more like she's the on who'd need the talk herself. You know what I mean?
Besides that, I have nothing else to say. I suppose if I hadn't been so lazy, there'd be more for me to say -rather than picking up the strands the other reviewers leave for us slow people. xd This chapter wasn't written quite as well as the rest, but I still loved it! Aaaaand, everything is starting to pick up so fast! I can feel the climax coming, and I know it's going to be ahmazing. I can't wait until I get there.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hia again! Half way there!
Something I noticed just now was how many more adverbs are being used. Especially in the first couple paragraphs. I noted the use of 'softly', 'quickly', 'enthusiastically', etc. Now, as you are totally writing these in a rush (at the last minute, might I add) and vocabulary may not be the highest priority, but pretty soon you'll be at revisions and a new draft. Look out for those spots to strengthen the writing.
As Deanie touched upon, it's interesting that Akia only acted to be betrayed by George when he showed up Rhys before. That's all fine and dandy, but how did she know to start feeding the guilt already eating at George? How did she know it would be beneficial? Was she thinking about getting him back before? If so, why? Why make such a dramatic realization now, of all times? It doesn't make that much sense to me.
I can already sense that this is going to be a shorter review, because dang. This is getting intense ^^
Alright, another thing bugging me is why does Akia want the real Zeke alive? How does she know that the real Zeke will even come fight for them? (and I can kind of tell how you're going to resolve it, maybe... >.> ) It seems like Akia is making such big assumptions and just hoping on the fact that everything will work out anyway.
Also, small thing, why did Akia bother thinking Zeke's real, full name? How can she even know, considering she had never met him and hadn't heard about him until she was assured that he was a real person. Seems like a random thing for our benefit and just doesn't fit in there in the first place.
One thing I'm noticing a trend of is me asking 'Why?' Why does Akia do this, why does Falyn do that? It seems to me that your character's motivations aren't showing through as immediately. (Or I'm just too critical.) Perhaps this is the first person writing in me, but sometimes I feel like it's not totally obvious what thought process they're going through and all that lovely stuff. Take this critique how you will xD
Tiny last thing -- wow this is short -- I feel like you could utilize exclamation marks more. Strange? I know. Well, such a small punctuation mark can make a big difference, and using periods all the time can seem rather apathetic, unenthusiastic. Perhaps throughout Akia's speech, having some more of those in there to really show her trying to motivate the rest of them and try to get them on her side to take down Rhys! YEAH!
Okay, I lied. The last thing is that Akia talks a lot. And Deanie mentioned how we need to see more of Phillip, yes, but also the reactions of everyone else. We get a few of those, but Akia gets off on a big huge tangent about how they all need to GO GET RHYS! WHOOO! But what about the others? Are they all gung-ho for this while she's talking? Or perhaps fidgeting and thinking this is stupid? I'd like to see more of that.
Anyway, I'm super excited for the big fight! Tension level? 100 % ^^ Not much else that I can say, because everything I love is just how everyone is starting to come back to this and, obviously, going to take down Rhys! YEAH. (See, doesn't have the same effect).
Well! Hope I helped, and happy writing,
~Wolfare
Aw dang, Akia [i]doesn't[\i] know the real Zeke does she. *facepalm*
Code didn't like me today ><
Heya Noelle!
Me again :3
I know, I know, I have been saying this for chapter after chapter. But NOW I am sure that the action is about to break out and things are going to get exciting. We've officially had the pep rally talk and now all the odds are really against them, and yet they are hoping for the best. I feel proud of Akia for being able to rally everything she has within herself and agreeing to fight. I mean, it could never be easy for her, especially as she has had a terrible thing happen to her -- the loss of her powers. I like how we get a quick recap on everything that has happened so far and a bit more internal conflict as well. But now we're going to move on from the internal things to a few more external ones, which is what I have been anticipating.
A character which I feel like we're not seeing enough of at such a crucial time is Akia. Yes, I can imagine him stepping back and letting Akia run things and motivate people a bit, but he is supposed to be the one with authority here and be the elder one, that most people look to. But right now he isn't filling that position at all. I am not sure what would make him fill it up a bit more, but he really isn't saying enough or being part of anything. I imagine he would've helped Sam some more, or would be tended to any injured when they stumble upon headquarters. Yes, he can be angry but we do need to remember the age difference in there. Make him a bit more assertive.
Whoa, Akia is pretty sure that Rhys took all this trouble to put them into prison just because he predicted they would escape? Then what would be the point in the first place? I think she is giving him a bit too much credit here. Yes, maybe Rhys does know what is going to happen before it does, but that doesn't mean you should put faith into the idea that he knows everything before it happens.
You mention that Akia was only pretending to be devastated when she discovered that George had betrayed them. But pretending? I don't think that is a good idea. Maybe it wasn't all truth, but I would have liked it if there was an element of truth in the way she felt then. I mean, betrayal is a horrendous thing to go through and it must have hurt somewhat because she was the one who always stuck up for George. And he turned on them like that. And because of the revelation in the quote above, it does mean that she hadn't been at all suspicious that George was on their side before. So yes, have her pretend but tell the reader that there was elements of truth in there as well. Otherwise Akia comes across as unfeeling, and we wouldn't want that.
You need to bear in mind that when she is saying 'so what' it is basically a rhetorical question. And because it is a question, it needs a question mark at the end.
I don't really have much to say! As always, looking forward to reading more. These chapters only keep on getting better and better.
Deanie x
Did you miss me? I'm sure you didn't but I'm back anyway. Haven't read all the previous chapters so if I say anything you've already covered, you can feel free to skip it.
The phrase 'higher success rate' seems to suggest this is something that has already succeeded or a follow on from something which usually succeeds. Like, me getting up in the morning has a higher success rate than me doing my laundry in the morning. I think instead it needs to be 'a higher chance to succeed' or 'this one was more likely to succeed'.Specifics
1.
2. I thought she wanted to go after the seer? If this is a change of plan I think we need to feel her come to the realisation that they don't have time to waste on the seer or to see her anger at what Rhys has done by taking the children's magic. The decision seems to come out of nowhere otherwise.
Overall
Another smooth chapter! I really like that your main character isn't the one with two powers, in fact she doesn't even have any at the moment and yet she keeps on fighting and that makes her very easy to like and get behind. It's very unusual to see in most fantasy novels and makes for a nice change.
The chapter's a little quiet on the action front and maybe too talky to really claim my interest but it's a smooth read and as long as you have some action coming soon (which it feels like you do) then that shouldn't matter. I think you're doing a pretty good job at juggling a large group of characters. I would like to see more from Mina and Falyn but I think I'm starting to get a picture of how they differ from one another. Perhaps add a couple of extra descriptors though, either about the way they're standing or their expressions. I know it's far through the novel, but you should have reminders every now and then about how your characters look. One of my favourite fantasy authors - Robert Jordan - has this character Nynaeve who's always described as tugging on her dark braid when she's thinking or close to smacking someone around the head. Little character tells like that can help us feel connected to them.
Maybe I'll see you at another chapter!
~Heather
I like the themes of betrayal that are laced through this piece!... but I would of thought that it would've taken more than a few words to change the motives, loyalties and mindsets of multiple people who have (I suppose- I haven't read any of the chapters before this one) been working together for a long time... and if Zeke were also a traitor then he would of had some sort of reaction which the character would have likely picked up on earlier...
I have to admit that I did skim read some of this, as I tend to do when the beginning of a piece is not completely captivating but it seems interesting and I'm sure I would've gotten a lot more out of it had I read the previous chapters... also, this is part 2 of a chapter so that might have been why the beginning wasn't particularly hooking...
That's another thing- why are you splitting your chapters up into parts? I'm not saying you can't, you may have a particularly good reason, but for reviewing purposes it is harder to review a bit of a bit of something larger and it is also more annoying for readers. It also tends to lead to boring beginnings to pieces or people being completely lost if they just stumble upon your work- more so than if they could read the whole chapter from beginning to end (readers who aren't completely invested in your novel aren't likely to seek out the other part of the chapter). This isn't supposed to be a bash at the way you write your novels, nor am I trying to tell you that you need to do it my way, it is simply a point to keep in mind as you write and in the future.
I hope you continue to enjoy your writing and that this was an OK review,
- Tate xx
What's the LMS contest?
//late reply
It's the Last Man Standing contest. The challenge is to write a new chapter of a novel each week and the person who continues their novel the longest wins.
Oh that's awesome.