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Young Writers Society



Across Worlds - Chapter 17 Part 2

by Noelle


A/N: With this chapter all put together, there's a line here to separate this first scene from the rest of the chapter. Since this scene starts out this part of the chapter, I figured having the line here would look stupid. Just to let you guys know, it is separated.

A/N 2: I can't remember if I called the spell at the river a protection spell or not, but I know I didn't call it a barrier spell. It is indeed a barrier spell which keeps the mages inside the city. Just fyi.

“You let them go.”

“So did you.”

“I meant to.”

“Maybe I did too.”

Rhys slammed his hands on the desk. “Don’t lie to me. You always get the job done. Akia’s too much for you?”

“You know, I could kill you here and now,” Niro growled. “Push me farther. You claim to be a brave man.”

Rhys was at Niro’s throat faster than lightning to the ground. He wrapped a hand around the man’s neck and squeezed, feeling the man’s Larynx collapse under the pressure of his grip.

He watched as Niro gasped, his arms flailing as he tried to reach Rhys’s hands. But Rhys only pushed harder, forcing Niro farther back into the chair. He watched Niro’s eyes slowly lose their life as his face went pale. If Rhys held on any longer the man would be dead.

“Don’t you ever threaten me,” he said, his voice calm despite the anger flaring in his eyes. “You work for me. And don’t give me that speech about how you only take jobs that you choose. You’re here because I asked you to be here. And I’m done taking that crap from you.”

He let go of Niro’s throat. The man fell forward, sputtering. He rubbed his throat gingerly as he looked up to glare at Rhys.

“What do you suggest we do?”

Rhys shrugged. “You’re the mastermind here. What do you suggest?”

“Now you’re just mocking me.”

“We wait,” Rhys said, ignoring Niro’s comment. “They’re almost to Lightport. Once they get there, we can attack.”

“But you can’t get into Lightport. Not with that protection spell.”

Rhys smirked. “I have my ways.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I vote Zeke stays.” Everyone turned to look at Mina. She returned their gazes with equal surprise. “What? I know that rest of you. Well, not you, Akia. But you don’t annoy me as much as Zeke does.”

“Thanks for that,” Akia muttered.

Zeke was quick to defend himself. “I can’t do it. I don’t know how to hold that energy.”

“But you know how it works,” Mina retorted.

“Course I do. Everyone does,” he snapped. “Doesn’t mean I know how to stop it. You know about torture spells, but can you use them? No.”

Akia wasn’t so sure about what Zeke was saying. She knew that what he said was true. A magician or mage cold learn all the magic they wanted. It took certain skills and practice to actually perform the magic though.

She highly doubted however, that he didn’t know how to contain the magic of the pellets. He could do so much already: read brain waves to teleport, heal people with the snap of a finger, break both her and Falyn out of Rhys’s grasp. How could he not know how to distract the energy of a few pellets locked into a spell? It definitely wasn’t as complimented as it sounded.

Then again, maybe he was just trying to save his skin. It was one thing to know how to perform a spell. It was something else completely to commit to doing something that would destroy the purpose of such a long journey.

Everyone was silent, each one wishing that another would volunteer, Akia was sure. She for one didn’t want to be the one to have to stay behind. She couldn’t. Who would get Falyn back safely? And besides, Phillip was counting on her. She just couldn’t not show up again. He’d be furious.

No one had anything to say. Akia was starting to get antsy. They were wasting time. If they didn’t get going soon, the guards would be back and it would be game over.

Just as she was about to suggest a solution, Sam spoke up. “We’re idiots, all of us. Freaking idiots.” Before anyone could ask what he was talking about, he stalked over to where Falyn was standing. “You can do the time stop. The pellets won’t be able to harm us. We can walk right through.”

“Would the pellets lose their magic if Falyn does the time stop? Wouldn’t the magic still be there? How does this even help?” Mina asked.

“No, the magic would still be there,” Sam explained. “But the pellets would stop moving; they’d stand still. They’re only dangerous if you come in contact with them. Right now they’re moving so fast that there’s no place we could even hope to get through without getting hit. But once Falyn does the time stop, the pellets will freeze and we’ll be able to find a way through.”

There were a few minutes of silence as everyone digested what Sam had said. And once everyone got the idea good through their head, they started to plan.

“But I’ve never done the time stop on my own,” Falyn said once the plan was all set. “It’s always happened when I least expected it. How do you expect me to do it now without any training? I don’t know what to do!”

“All you have to do is relax. It’ll come to you, I’m sure of it.” Sam sounded so sure of himself that Akia almost believed that it could be that easy.

“How would you know?” Falyn asked harshly. “Have you ever done it before?”

“Well, no.”

“Then don’t tell me how easy it is!” she snapped. Sam seemed taken aback by her comments. When she realized that, she took a deep breath and steadied her voice. “What if this doesn’t work? What if the pellets keep moving despite the time stop?”

Sam approached her slowly and placed his hands on her shoulders. “They’ll stop moving. I know they will. This is going to work.” They stood for a while, staring into each other’s eyes. It wasn’t until Akia cleared her throat that they stepped away from each other.

“Right,” she started. “If this is going to happen, we need to do this now. It won’t be long before the guards are forced to come back.”

Falyn turned to face the group, a scared smile on her face. “If I’m gonna do this, I can’t have any distractions, alright?” No one made a sound after that. They all stepped back to give her some space.

Akia ended up standing next to Zeke, something she was less than ecstatic about. Sure, Zeke had been nothing but helpful to their cause. Akia still wasn’t ready to trust him though; not just yet. They had a long way to go before she could trust him.

As Falyn turned to focus on the barrier spell, Akia noticed a sudden flicker in Zeke’s eyes. It was so small that she barely caught it. But it was there. She watched him more carefully as Falyn concentrated on making the time stop work. His face was plain and he made no more movements. It was almost like he was focusing so much, waiting to see what was going to happen.

There was a sudden blast of cool air that passed them by. Akia reached up to untangle her hair, which the breeze had tangled. When she looked at the barrier, she gasped.

“It worked,” she said, her voice almost failing her. She didn’t want to admit it, but she had thought the time stop was the worst idea they could’ve come up with. She went along with it only because everyone else was all for it. She wasn’t about to play the devil’s advocate.

Time around them had stopped. The world had gone quiet. It was an eerie feeling, one that really tugged at Akia. She hated the time stop. Despite being able to resist it, she didn’t like being around when it happened. It was discerning to go on while the world is so still and lifeless.

The barrier spell looked just like Sam had described it would. The azure pellets were still there and pulsating bright blue. But they stood still, rooted to the spot. They were no longer moving.

“Those holes aren’t all that big.” Zeke commented. He was right. Akia had hoped that there were fewer pellets than it had seemed at first glance. Turned out there were actually more pellets than it had seemed at first glance. There weren't very many places where they could make it through without running into a few pellets.

“We’re gonna need all the time we can get. Not that we have to particularly worry about that right now but...just thought I'd say something helpful.” Akia said, not even bothering to hide her voice from shaking. They could all tell that she was nervous; it was obvious. If they hadn’t noticed then they were stupid. What made her most nervous was the time frame that Phillip had given her. It had to have been a few hours at least since she talked with him on the phone. They didn’t have much time left.

“So, who goes first?” Sam asked.

“Doesn’t matter. Just know that Falyn has to go last.” Akia heard the words, but she hadn’t noticed that they were coming out of her mouth. Was she really suggesting that the moonstar go last? What if something happened to her? She’d be lost forever.

“Me? Go last? Why?” Falyn asked. Akia caught the tiniest bit of fear in her voice. Looking up, she saw the pellets moving slowly. As she watched, they got faster until they were moving at top speed again.

“Falyn…” Akia really didn’t know how to finish the sentence. It was obvious that the panic and fear had clouded her emotions, ruining the time stop. But could she get Falyn to calm down again?

Falyn turned to look back at the river and her face paled. “Oh God, oh God, I’m so sorry! Let me try again.”

Before she had time to do anything though, a screeching sound emitted from the walkie-talkie. Akia turned towards the woods just in time to see at least two dozen guards emerge from behind the trees, their weapons pointed in her direction.

-----------------------------------

For the LMS contest. Word Count: 1,624


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Wed Mar 04, 2015 11:51 pm
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello, Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here...

So at the beginning it was pretty confusing about who was talking. If you had created this scene correctly, I bet it would have had the desired effect but instead it doesn't and it just confuses the reader. If you had ended the dialogue at the beginning with something like "said a shadowy figure" or something even better than that, you would have not only not have confused me but you would have grasped my attention even more so than you have to the amazing story that you have written.

HA! I love how Mina is like I volunteer Zeke as tribute! No one likes Zeke anyways so why not sacrifice him now? If they do sacrifice him, he is so going to find a way to stay alive and then he will find his revenge on them. I just know it. If only this were like in my classes at school where if you volunteer someone else, you have to do it all by yourself. Then Mina would have to do it herself and I'm not the biggest fan of Mina. I don't know why but I just don't feel much of a connection with Mina and she hasn't had that much character development so I wouldn't mind if she would die. I know she will end up dying at some point in this novel.

I really wish you had shown some of the lessons in class during the first few chapters so I could understand the concept of magic a little bit better. When I think of magic, I always think of Harry Potter and the wands and stuff. This situation is a lot more different than all the other situations. It's really hard to understand the concept of magic here now that I don't know anything about it. Gosh darn it!

Ahhh! Another cliff hanger that I can easily read on the next chapter. I don't see the point of having a cliffhanger every single chapter. Do you not know how to end the chapter any other way? I have never written a novel but I know it is very hard to finish any piece of work. I just think that if you have these cliffhangers every chapter, they wouldn't be as exciting anymore.

Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant(too lazy to write the squiggly line anymore)




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Tue Oct 28, 2014 1:21 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here

Lets just get right into this and see what I can find!

He watched Niro’s eyes slowly lose their life as his face went pale. If Rhys held on any longer the man would be dead.


So this part. Yeah. This was kinda unrealistic. Not this part, you're fine here. But later, after Rhys lets go of Niro, he just continues talking. Niro continues talking like nothing had happened and rubbing his throat gingerly doesn't cut it. If he is almost dead, then he doesn't have much oxygen to his system, which means it's going to take a minute for him to recover. I know this is a cheesy example, but remember Darth Vader choking that guy in Star Wars, number four? Yeah, that one. The man took a while to recover, and he didn't talk (or at least talk the same) for a long while. You probably have a wonderful reason why he recovered so fast - one I am thinking has something to do with magic and such - so I will leave it to you. But I think, if Niro is fine because of his magical abilities - fine. Tell us. And if he's fine just because Rhys wasn't actually choking him that badly... well, that reason isn't quite as lovely.

“What do you suggest we do?”


In this line, his voice would be raspy from the choking.

Akia reached up to untangle her hair, which the breeze had tangled.


A bit of redundance, untangling and tangled. Not a big deal, but definitely something you want to keep in mind for the future. It's little, yes, but they build upon each other.

Zeke. Zeke. Zeke.

Yet again, I don't know what to think of him. He is always the guy who each chapter brings a little bit different image to - some for better, some for worse. With this chapter, we didn't really see if what he was doing we liked or not, because I don't think anyone would have wanted to be behind, so I won't put it against him to not want to stay, but his methods.... arg. If Akia is right and he can perform those spells, then he just lied to all his friends right there, and just so he wouldn't have to save their lives? :/ I was a little bit surprised at Mina, but it was a good surprised. Her reaction to Zeke and demanding him to do it since he annoyed her... that was funny and for some reason really seemed like something she would do. Also, I am glad you are now mentioning her more often. She seemed like the memberwhomustnotbenamed or something similar in the previous chapters, but in this, you are starting to use her again as a part of the team. So that's good. Buttttt... I am still concerned and thinking about Zeke, since he was acting so strangely. Especially the part at the end where--

Akia noticed a sudden flicker in Zeke’s eyes. It was so small that she barely caught it. But it was there. She watched him more carefully as Falyn concentrated on making the time stop work.


--it makes the reader wonder what is going on inside his head, and if it's concern for Falyn that was the flicker in his eyes or not. So far, all of the possible "love" in their possible relationship (shipping Falyn and Zeke just for these few moments) seems to be mostly, if not all the way, on Falyn's side - with no love from Zeke involved. Like, when Falyn just collapsed into his arms, Zeke acted as though he was just, I dunno, sitting on the couch or something. He didn't seem to feel anything. So here I am again, wondering what you're going to do, and trying not to hate you as a mean author. :D

Sam is an absolute genius. While everyone else was thinking about themselves, he was thinking of a way to get them all across. And Falyn was the answer. I think this chapter showed a bit more of their possible closeness than the previous chapters had? The others gave us more of what Akia and Sam's relationship was like, but the focus switched back to Falyn for the time being, and Sam had his entire focus on her... nothing else, it seemed. The time stop was brilliant, and hopefully it works in time for them to get out of there. I think the biggest issue now is that Falyn is going to have a hard time making the time stop if she can't, you know, go and make the time stop with all that stuff and fighting going on around her. So they'll have to deal with the two. dozen. guards. - somehow - and then figure out the time stop later.

Again, I am wondering if I should hate you or not. Just when everything seemed to be working just lovely for them, you went and inserted that new problem. Meanie. Now they have to beat the guards. Let's watch. :D

~Darth Timmyjake




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Thu Aug 14, 2014 8:03 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Noelle! I'm here to catch up with your novel again :3

Someone has definitely been busy it seems :D As always, I am liking where this is going. You gave us a little taste of how Sam's plan would work perfectly, and then you took that from us and entered in more guards so that there is even more tension in the coming chapter. I am looking forwards to seeing how they're going to get into this one. As for seeing things from Rhys's point of view, I think we just get to see how vicious he is as a villain again.

I'm going to start with listing of some nitpicks I found...

I know that rest of you. Well, not you, Akia.


I think you meant for the 'that' to be a 'the.'

A magician or mage cold learn all the magic they wanted.


Cold should be could.

It definitely wasn’t as complimented as it sounded.


I think you mean complicated,

Akia had hoped that there were fewer pellets than it had seemed at first glance. Turned out there were actually more pellets than it had seemed at first glance.


You repeat the 'it had seemed at first glance' part twice, and that's a lot of a sentence to repeat so closely to each other. I suggest you break it up a bit so you've got more of a range in vocabulary.

Okay, now on to the review. I feel like the sacrifice idea could've been played up a bit more. It's a great idea that could've really affected the character. For example, let's pretend that Mina and a lot of them all pointed at Zeke to be left alone. That clearly shows most of them don't like Zeke, and Zeke will be edgy after knowing they were all so ready to get rid of him. Likewise you could have it done to Akia, or Sam, or have people stick up for them in their defense too. Just using this idea to add tension within the group and make the story even more interesting.

One thing I am curious to know is how Falyn can choose who is and who isn't involved in the time stop? Doing one must be hard, but doing one that doesn't affect a handful of people... I wonder.

Another small idea to make this more interesting would be if Falyn wasn't able to not freeze all the people in the time stop. Maybe someone like Mina is frozen. Do they carry her across or leave her? How would they deal with that newfound problem? As always, my curious nose wants to know how the group would handle such a problem.

But aside from ideas and tips to make this chapter better, in itself there was practically nothing wrong with it but nitpicks. Keep up the awesome writing and I will keep on reading!

Deanie x




Noelle says...


Thank you, thank you, thank you for mentioning the time stop. You reminded me of something about it that I had forgotten. You're a life saver :D You'll find out about it later. I'm just having a hard time figuring out where to to put the answers to all these questions y'all have :/



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Tue Aug 12, 2014 4:25 am
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Can't believe how many chapters you have! I agree with Holysocks. You shoulda played with the "who has to be sacrificed" thing more! I mean, obviously the time stop didn't work, so why put it in? Play with the beginning a bit more. Maybe even have someone volunteer themself before the guards come! It woulda been really great, even though as a reader, I would have not liked it but liked it as a writer. That's the problem with us authors. When we read something, we don't like our emotions being toyed with so much, but we really love and appreciate it because it means the author is good, and we can relate to that! On to Chapter eighteen!




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Mon Aug 11, 2014 4:43 am
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey Noelle!

I like this. The whole 'who has to sacrifice themselves' thing is always a good way to figure out who is on your side, and who is not. Of course the other cool thing you can find out is who is more selfish, who is more selfless, and what it takes to break your characters.

I was a little disappointed that you didn't play with this more. It's a great way to get to know your characters, and it can be very suspenseful. I just feel that you could do a lot more with this chapter by spending a bit more time on the 'oh no we're doomed' part, rather than the 'we'll work it out' part.

For intense, if you took what Mina said about Zeke a step further... We remember that Falyn if starting to kinda like Zeke, right? Well, than Mina flippantly saying that Zeke should stay behind, kill himself ( I thought there was a life risk... ), etc., would maybe not go over so well with Falyn...? And if that doesn't go over with Falyn, and she stands up for Zeke to Mina ( her big sister ) what then? Would there be a fight? Would Mina leave the group? Would Zeke, as a result, be a bigger part of the group ( more well trusted )? And if Zeke was better trusted, would he betray them cold bloodedly in the dead of night?!
SO MANY POSIBILITIES. I guess I just think it's due time for a tiny bit of friction.

Anyways, that's all for this review... I can't think of anything else that needs improving. :-P It was pretty good Noelle! And what's this? Chapter 17?! Holy crap! AND THERE'S MORE. You're doing SO awesome! Keep it up!!!

-Socks




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Sat Aug 02, 2014 5:28 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello, Noelle, Wolf here finally for a review! (And to knock this out of the Green Room ;) )

Alright, so some misinterpretation on my part, I think, in the lasts chapter, or maybe you worded it in a way to give me the impression that whoever had to absorb the energy of the something pellets (their name slips my mind) will die, but now you say that they'll live but they have to stay back...? I recommend making that more clear, because that would make all the difference, even with Falyn's time stopping powers.

Much better chapter this time! I quite like how you include Rhys' perspective here and there just to tease us with bits of information, like how Rhys will attack Lightport in about three days now, I think. I'm quite curious as to how Nico (whatever his name is >.<) got back what seemed so quickly. Is it really not that far away? Where did he go when Akia blasted him? Really confused on those parts.

Like I said earlier, this chapter was much better this time with engaging us and all that, but I still kind of feel like the last part wasn't as suspenseful as it was intended to be. Really, I do kind of feel like it's dragging on a little bit too much, as you consulted me earlier, and well the ending was kind of predictable. Yay, Falyn manages the timestop and bam, she looses it and the guards come. Of course. Though, I'm sure you have a reason for all this, so maybe it'll be justified next chapter (otherwise I would recommend you just cut out the guards...)

Anyways, I'm still eagerly awaiting their arrival to Lightport and what it to come because of that. Who is this Phillip guy? What does it mean being the moonstar? What does Falyn still have left to know? So many question, and hopefully answers soon! Keep Up the Great Work,
~Wolfare~




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Fri Aug 01, 2014 1:12 am
r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here to review this chapter, Noelle. Yay! You got it in on time! Good job. You meat the deadline! You just have really written like a mad girl! :P *laughs* I hope this helps you!

Rhys slammed his hands on the desk.
Whaaaaat! How could you! You you're just mean! I hate you. (Crosses previous line out). But really? Why did you do that? You just had to leave us in suspense didn't you. How, how, how could you! Who sacrifice themselves to get across? Yes! You did give us something later on that told us no one would have to sacrifice their livers.

She just couldn’t not show up again.
I would change this to couldn't fail to show up or just had to show up. It is too redundant now.

Nooooo......! Chides you! You are so evil. How could you leave us in suspense...again? You better fix things in the next chapter or your wall will be loaded with spam. (Not really) But still...you better write fast again. (And you need your character template up for my storybook).

Overall this was well written, but your ending was so...ugh! Suspense is your first name! Noelle is your second. Doesn't know what your last is. But it must be annoying. ;). Until you put up the chapter where the group gets to Lightport. I can NOT wait will the next chapter. So you'd better write fast for a long time.

I definately look forward to reading more of this, though it better be less suspenseful. I mean you really do kind of overdo it. Well I guess that is all I have to say aside from KEEP WRITING!!! Happy writing!!! And XD. I hope this helps!





"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind