z

Young Writers Society



Across Worlds - Chapter 14 Part 1

by Noelle


Akia

Time seemed to fly by after the great reveal—if it could be called that. The sun had been setting when Akia had started her story and it had since completely disappeared from the sky. The fire was down to its last few embers and barely gave off any light. Luckily the stars were out that night.

The campsite, although bursting with activity and discussion nearly an hour ago was quiet as could be. Falyn and Mina were asleep, curled up against each other, shivering slightly in their sleep.

Zeke was still in the same spot that he had been in the entire time. Despite it being so late, he was still up, staring at the flames still clinging onto life. She debated going over to talk to him, but she decided not to. What would she say? Everything that came out of his mouth infuriated her. They’d just end up in another argument.

Checking to make sure Sam was still asleep, he was one of the first to fall out and was lying in quite an uncomfortable looking position on the ground, she decided to take a walk.

“Keep a look out,” she murmured to Zeke as she got up. “If anything happens you better be all over it.”

“Glad you trust me with something,” he shot back as she walked passed him. She bit her tongue, holding back the strongly worded retort that she so wanted to say.

Once she cleared the first layer of trees, she slowed to a crawl. It was late; she didn’t want to make it too far away from the others incase they had to leave at a moments notice. Besides, she’d never been to Agathi before, she didn’t know her way around.

She stopped when she came to a fallen tree. It stretched out in front of her, blocking her path. Not that she wanted to go any farther; it seemed to be the perfect place to sit.

When she found a spot not crawling with bugs, she sat down. Looking up, she realized how gorgeous the stars were. Everyone was always so interested in the stars seeing as they were other worlds. Each one was a small, boiling body of gas, true. But inside, somewhere, there was a world inhabited by some type of creature. They could be human, they could be animals. They could even be a mixture of the two. No matter, they were out there. And some day she would visit them; all of them.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the phone buzzing in her pocket. She had almost forgot that it was there; she rarely used it. Reaching down, she pulled the device from her pocket.

“Hello?”

“I’d appreciate a call every so often.”

Akia slapped a palm to her forehead. “Oh my God, Phillip. I so meant to call you when—”

“Did you find her?” Philip asked, cutting her off. Akia rolled her eyes. He always was one to get straight to the point, no messing around. She had gotten used to it over the years.

“Yes,” she responded. “We’re on our way back now. We’re just resting for the night.”

Phillip grunted. “You don’t need rest. You need to get back. Get the moonstar here. Now. I expect you in no more than four hours.” With that he hung up the phone, leading way to a loud dial tone blaring in Akia’s ear. She ripped the phone away and flipped it shut.

He could’ve been a bit nicer. She sighed and turned her attention back to the stars. It reminded her of the time she used to spend with her dad. Every Saturday morning they would sit out on the deck and watch the stars fade away as the sun took control of the sky once again.

“They’re all out there just waiting to be explored,” he’d tell her. “And one day we’re going to discover them; you and me kiddo.”

“I wish you were still around, Dad,” she whispered. “I’m ready to explore those worlds now.”

She sat there for a while, recalling the many memories she had of her father. It wasn’t a voluntary act. If anything, she wished that the memories would disappear. Not that she didn’t want to remember her dad; she missed him more than anything. But she didn’t need to be drowned by emotions at the moment. There were more pressing matters at hand. Like how she was going to get Falyn and everyone to Lightport in less than four hours.

Just as she got up to head back to the campsite, she saw Sam walking toward her. She grinned and shook her head.

“You should be asleep.”

“Yeah well,” Sam said as he shrugged. “I was. But then I woke up and you were gone, so I went looking for you.”

Akia laughed. “Glad you care so much about me.” Sam smiled slightly, but didn’t respond.

They stood there in silence, each of them gazing off into the woods. She knew that she had to tell Sam about what Phillip had said, but she didn’t feel like bringing it up. It just seemed like a thing she would save for when everyone was up and about again.

Just as she was going to suggest that they head back, Sam spoke up.

“Why didn’t you tell Falyn the whole story?”

Akia raised her eyebrows. “What do you mean? Of course I told her the whole story.”

“No, you left out something.” Sam took a deep breath before saying, “You didn’t tell her about what Rhys had said.”

“I’m not telling her that,” Akia snapped.

“Why not? She has a right to know!”

Akia looked at him incredulously. “You want to tell her that she’s going to die? You want to tell her that everything she’s gone through up ‘til this point and everything from here on out is going to be for none? No, we’re not telling her.”

She turned away and stared back into the woods. Now that she and Sam were both away from the campsite, she was starting to get antsy. What if the Force found them while she was gone? Would they be able to fend for themselves? Surely Zeke had enough power – whatever power he actually had, something she was still trying to figure out -- to fight off and attack.

But she couldn’t leave him in charge; he didn’t know everything that was going on. He didn’t know exactly how much danger Falyn was in. Otherwise he wouldn’t have left her out in the woods the other day.

“Come on, we should go back,” she said, motioning for Sam to follow. “Oh, and did I mention that Phillip wants us back at Lightport in four hours?

“Four hours?! That would’ve been a good thing to tell me.”

They had barely taken half a dozen steps before a cool voice behind them said, “You’re still convinced that you’ll make it there safely? Really, Daughter of Kit, I thought you were smarter than that.”

-------------------------

For the LMS contest. Word count: 1,170


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
324 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 324

Donate
Sun Apr 26, 2015 6:16 pm
Evander wrote a review...



Hey, Noelle! Back here for another review.

from the others incase they had to leave at a moments notice.

‘Incase’ should be ‘in case’. Then ‘moments’ should be ‘moment’s’, because it is referring to a specific moment.

The mention of a phone really surprised me. This is fantasy, but more… modern. I haven’t seen many fantasy stories that incorporate electronics into the narrative. (It’s a good break from all the owls and carrier pigeons, at least. Phones calls are less likely to be intercepted.) Which makes me wonder, does this world coexist with Earth? Are they watching us and stealing our ideas? Also, are computers a thing? Because this makes the option of social media and more likely.

Like how she was going to get Falyn and everyone to Lightport in less than four hours.

Fewer than four hours, not less than four hours. The number of hours can be counted.

The scene with her remembering her father was touching. It shows a bit of character, and that she’s human and has a heart. It also shows her priorities. She sometimes lets herself bleed through the mask, but always attempts to get back on task.

“And one day we’re going to discover them; you and me kiddo.”

Comma after ‘me’.

So, uh, with all these little scenes of Akia and Sam, my mind keeps on shouting, “Ship, ship, ship.” Honestly, there is so much hinting at a relationship between them that it’s almost suffocating. (Just kidding, keep on hinting and nudging. If they do get together it would not be a surprise, and if they don’t get together then they’re just awesome friends.)

I would like to say about Falyn is a main character, so she can’t die. Then again, killing main character is kind of in right now. It’s also cool is defy what other people say, so she could stay alive. Both are pretty predictable, so I’m interested to see how this story goes.

While I am worried about the fate of the beloved main character, I’m also worried about Zeke. If he truly is the one who held four fingers up then nodded, then the Force could have taken over the campsite. But it seems a little too soon for that. Then again, authors are always unpredictable. :P

Ah man, that cliff hanger. So, Rhys reappears again? That scoundrel. He’s probably going to slow them down. It’s only been a chapter since we’ve seen him. However, he has been watching them closely, so this is not a huge shock. Well, I’m assuming the person is Rhys. He’s the only character the reader knows that calls her ‘Daughter of Kit.' If there's another person *cough* which I strongly doubt *cough* then it'll be a bit more interesting. Then again, how many enemies can one person have?

Anyway, the writing in this novel is improving and I hope to be able to read on. Keep on writing!

~Adrian




User avatar
240 Reviews


Points: 279
Reviews: 240

Donate
Tue Mar 03, 2015 1:16 am
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here...(I would like to personally congratulate you on your perfect row of red stars. I hope to achieve that one day).

The campsite, although bursting with activity and discussion nearly an hour ago was quiet as could be.

This sentence at first was really nice and amazing and then you added the [insert verb here] as could be. That made me want to grab my monitor and throw it against the wall. That ruined the sentence(I'm sorry for being harsh. You know that I love your work Noelle but you know that I also love yelling at people. *especially @Wolfare1 *). You could have had the most crafty imagery there, yet you chose to have the "as quiet as could be" phrase. NOT ACCEPTABLE!

Is this novel turning into instead of Everybody Hates Zeke club but instead to the Everybody Hates Akia club? Why does every hate each other? Why can't everyone just get along and be friends? Why don't we have world peace? HUH? I bet you that someone in the group is going to be a bad guy and betray them and no one is going to except it. I have a feeling it is either Zeke or Akia. I just know it.

I don't like part of the paragraph with the part where Akia looks at the stars. I mean I like the imagery and all and the hopefulness but I don't like the way some of it is stated. From that paragraph, you are told that the stars are worlds and I would disagree with that statement. I would say the space around the stars would be the worlds with the tiny planets around it, not the actual stars. The stars would be too bright and hot to be world(unless you have creatures that could survive that). Also, are they on a different planet than Earth? If so, does Earth even exist? Earth should exist so that they can go to it and then OOPS, we accidentally destroyed it...

Why does Akia have a cell phone? Why does anybody have a cellphone? In this world with magic, why can't they just use their magic like in Harry Potter and communicate by using fires and stuff? I would assume everyone can use magic in this world unless they failed the magic class but they may have the slightest knowledge on how to use it.

Akia slapped a palm to her forehead.

The way that this is formatted...It is so funny. XD If I were you, I might consider changing the way that this sentence is structured.

Akia laughed. “Glad you care so much about me.” Sam smiled slightly, but didn’t respond.

*FANGIRLS* AWWWW! So cute! Sam smiled at Akia's comment! AWWW! He's so shy and cute! Just oh my gosh! I love this story and its love web! It is so great to read about! Great job Noelle with this love web(I cannot compliment you enough about it).

Wait, why is Falyn going to be killed? For what reason? What did she ever do to anybody? I bet it is because Rhys said he would kill them and they know he is going to kill them. Also who is this Phillip? Is he Falyn's dad or something? It would be really awkward if he wasn't and I just said some 19 year old was a father of a 14 year old. 0-o

Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant




Noelle says...


You can yell at my novel all you want :)



AdmiralKat says...


This is my longest review ever. :D



Noelle says...


That's awesome! :D



User avatar
1007 Reviews


Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Donate
Tue Oct 14, 2014 2:13 pm
View Likes
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

Let’s do this review same as last, okay? So I will just read through and hand out my thoughts. :D

everything from here on out is going to be for none?


*nothing

They had barely taken half a dozen steps before a cool voice behind them said, “You’re still convinced that you’ll make it there safely? Really, Daughter of Kit, I thought you were smarter than that.”


I hate you. <.< You are the cruellest author in the entire world when it comes to cliff-hanger ending. Almost every chapter contains one, and I love them and they’re so meaaaan. Good job. Makes me want to go to the next chapter.

So this chapter was better than the last one—something I didn’t think possible, to tell you the truth. The last chapter was pretty dang good. So, I have more praise for you, but less nit-picks. Which makes me sad, because it lowers the review quality, but also allows me to talk about fluffy stuff more. :D

Looking up, she realized how gorgeous the stars were.


This part wasn’t like I expected it to be. This is telling, and in the vaguest of forms. You just told us how beautiful they were, but you didn’t go and show us how beautiful they are. What if you went and did some descriptions of them, so we can have a vivid picture? It just feels necessary.

They could be human, they could be animals. They could even be a mixture of the two. No matter, they were out there. And some day she would visit them; all of them.


To me, those two sentences could go because they were confusing and didn’t further anything along in the slightest. Also, you mention that there could be a combination of the two, almost like in some worlds there are no animals. How does that work? I think slicing the sentences out and attacking them with ninja-blades would fix the paragraph right up.

I would have actually liked a different introduction to Phillip. He doesn’t give a very good first impression, and the impression he gives is a very vague one. To be honest, I think you should cut out the entire conversation and just have her get a text or something. This Phillip guy seems like he will be quite the character—an important character. And I don’t think it does him justice for introducing his character. For having just heard about Phillip, it seems rather weird for Akia to have a phone call from him, too, and not have received one earlier? We have been through her perspective for a while now, through several chapters. Never have we gotten a phone call from Phillip before. So that part took me out, and I would have preferred a face-to-face introduction to his character. Works better at instilling first impressions—whether good or bad first impressions. In person does a better job of both. :)

Surely Zeke had enough power – whatever power he actually had, something she was still trying to figure out -- to fight off and attack.


You seem to know how to do the Em-dashes properly—or at least you did them properly a few paragraphs above. But in this one, you did it quite strangely. Many people (especially the British side of the spectrum) do the dashes like you did the first time – a single dash with a space in-between the words. That works fine. And then many people do it another way—with one longer dash, no space in-between the words. Either way is fine, I think. Just find a version you like, and then stick to it. Dun vary from that once you find the way you like.

“Oh, and did I mention that Phillip wants us back at Lightport in four hours?


Those comma ninjas are dabbling in snatching quotation marks, too! O_o You forgot one—there at the end of the sentence. Yeah.

Overall, I think this was your best chapter yet. I enjoyed Akia’s thoughts (she seems to be the smartest out of their little group—if you exclude Zeke. I am still not certain about his intention, since they seem to change every chapter. Xd) and her looking at the stars and wondering about the life on the other planets was quite lovely to read. I especially liked the fact that she wanted to see the other planets, to explore them all. I think it added a bit to her character—if not quite a bit. Just gives us that little bit more to attach to her name. And the recollection of her father = perfect. I loved that part. It was just long enough for us to get some memory of her father to hang onto, but not too long as to break the flow of the story. Great job.

I am out of things to comment on. This chapter was just too good.
~Darth Timmyjake




User avatar
87 Reviews


Points: 5984
Reviews: 87

Donate
Sun Jul 27, 2014 2:40 am
Alchemist wrote a review...



Remember all that spam you gave me the last reveiw day? Well, guess whos here to "revenge"! :D

Huh, four hours to reach the lightport! That means only one thing: four hours of god damn action, me totally gusta.

Oh, while it is still above me: this cliffhanger is awesome!Let me talk about a Rhys a little bit, mkay?

He is such an unusual antagonist. He IS an evil dark lord trying to conquer the world, or some kind of it. But on the other hand, he is everywhere. He is present in your story which is so unusual. Instead of just sending tons of retarded minions to finish his work, he is there and he's got no time to waste. Your villian is awesome.

So, Phillip is a new character? His personality seems interesting actually. Hanging up the phone to Akia? Not everyone would be willing to do that, right? xD

I'm glad you brought up her memories of her dad. It's good to bring those up here and there, because it is what happens in reality. That's how humans work. Such a sad one there though, that "kiddo". Ok I'm a manly man, you won't make me cry! xD

The only thing I'm not completely sure of is why won't Rhys just get done with them right now. I hope there is a strong reason, I just have a feeling he has power to do it any second.

Going into it, I expect some baddas action now.

-Alchemist




User avatar
187 Reviews


Points: 13001
Reviews: 187

Donate
Sun Jun 29, 2014 7:19 pm
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Wow, ok...I'm finally here to review. I'm loving how much information you're giving now after so long. First off, the phone thing seems out of place. I don't remember you mentioning it before, and in this fantasy world of magic, it just doesn't seem right. Second, you introduced Phillip in this chapter and it was a bit confusing. I think you should have told a bit more about who he is and how he fit in. Of course, I'm just impatient, and you'll probably tell us in Part Two of this chapter. Next, I don't remember Rhys saying something about Falyn not living... Maybe I just missed it, after so many chapters it's easy to forget things:) Anyway, that's an interesting piece of information. I didn't notice any grammatical errors or typos in this chapter, so that's great! I really don't think there's anything else to say. Keep it up!




User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Sun Jun 29, 2014 5:28 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there Noelle!

Happy Review Day!

I had to come back for more, of course, after the smashing chapter that you wrote last time. So good it was unreviewable, gah. This one I think I can manage, but really, your chapters have just gotten better and better as the chapters go on! Honestly, I would never have thought the story and your style would've progressed so much as this went on. You've got brilliant use of language in here now, and the way you connect their thoughts and the setting is just perfect. It all ties in wonderfully and leaves me captivated as a reader. There are so few things for me to comment on!

One thing I did notice though, was the entrance and exit of Philip was a bit sudden and short. Yes, it was only a phone call with orders, more so to put a time limit on things than anything else, I think. But this is the first time (if I remember correctly?) that we are hearing from him, and I wanted to know more. More of his relationship with Akia and Sam. We know he is to the point and has worked with Akia for a while. But what is his ranking? His involvement with the moonstar? I wanted to know! Maybe delve a little bit more in there somewhere in this chapter.

Checking to make sure Sam was still asleep, he was one of the first to fall out and was lying in quite an uncomfortable looking position on the ground, she decided to take a walk.


I feel like this sentence needs to be split in two because there are far too many commas. Aside from that, it doesn't make sense to use 'checking' at the beginning and then continue on to what you say. How about: Akia checked to make sure Sam was asleep because he was... etc. the put a full stop after the word 'ground' instead of the comma, and start a new sentence. Yes, I think that fits better.

Besides, she’d never been to Agathi before, she didn’t know her way around.


Like before, you've started to use the comma instead of a conjunction or another small word which would join the two parts better. Maybe after the second comma you should add the words 'which meant' or something similar. ;)

When she found a spot not crawling with bugs


Suggestion: replace the 'not' with 'that wasn't', just for the flow of this.

Everyone was always so interested in the stars seeing as they were other worlds.


Comma needed after the word stars.

As for characters, I really feel like Sam needs a bit more of a spotlight moment or something. We're hearing so much from Falyn and getting a lot out of her point of view, likewise with Akia, and then Zeke is pretty much a star of the show too. As for Sam and Mina, I feel like they're kind of stock characters right now. There to continue the conversation or something, but not really getting much focus themselves. Which, also means they can't get much character development themselves either. So, perhaps some more limelight for those two characters?

As for everything else, this was a very good chapter. I wonder who is after them two now... I best read on to find out!

Deanie x




User avatar
494 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 494

Donate
Thu Jun 26, 2014 4:03 am
Holysocks wrote a review...



I love this chapter! I think it's my favourite yet! This isn't a review; I can't think of anything that needs reviewing. It was clear, and enjoyable, short and sweet, straight to the point, insightful, etc. I really, truly, think that this was an amazing chapter!

I like the part where it's like, Akia's reflection time, and then the phone rings, and the moment is killed. But then when she hangs up, it's right back to Akia's reflection time! I thought that was both funny, and really well written!

Thank you for the lovely read. <3

-Socks




User avatar
179 Reviews


Points: 15489
Reviews: 179

Donate
Wed Jun 25, 2014 5:38 pm
View Likes
r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here to review this chapter part, Noelle. I certainly hope this helps. I have been wanting to review one of your works for a little while so this is a perfect opportunity, as it is in the Green Room!

First off I must say that I like your names! "Zeke" is also the name of a rat in the Freddy the Pig series. (That's the American equivalent of Winnie the Pooh).

She debated going over to talk to him, but she decided not to.
I assume you are talking about Akia in this sentence, even though though she wasn't the direct antecedent.

Each one was a small, boiling body of gas, true.
This doesn't make much sense. I think you left out a word or two on accident.

Oh my God, Phillip.
You should label this work for language to let people know what they are reading. And I would steer away from using profanity.

“I wish you were still around, Dad,” she whispered. “I’m ready to explore those worlds now.”
I like this part of the story and your emphasis on the stars. You also tie it in with her heritage. Good job!

“I was. But then I woke up and you were gone, so I went looking for you.”
You need to take out the "so"

Akia looked at him incredulously. “You want to tell her that she’s going to die? You want to tell her that everything she’s gone through up ‘til this point and everything from here on out is going to be for none? No, we’re not telling her.”
You did a good job of portraying your character's personality here.

Finally I must say, way to end this chapter with suspense. Fabulous job. Aside from the language and grammatical errors I liked the whole chapter. Good job! I look forward to reading more of your writing. Happy writing!!! :)




User avatar
767 Reviews


Points: 26330
Reviews: 767

Donate
Wed Jun 25, 2014 4:52 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Noelle, Wolf here for a review as promised.

I'm sure I've already told you how much I hate you already, but well, it's true. Your use of dramatic irony is just phenomenal, as always. You use it in such a way, that I've have found myself screaming at the characters, "Don't do it!!" Excellent job!

I have on technical criticism for you. And that's about it. (See what I did there?) This is a reoccurring issue that I notice quite often, even when I was watching you type up the SB post yesterday. Sometimes, you will start a sentence with 'and', 'but', or 'because', though the first two are the ones used the most. Be careful of that, and a simple way to fix that is to change the period to a comma and lowercase the first letter of the conjunction. Ta-Da! Compound sentence with the correct flow.

For the most part, I was really engaged in this, and my thoughts didn't stray to random things while reading through this. You do a really good job of pulling us into this world you've created and holding us there with every word. More often than not, I'll find myself thinking, "Oh, the irony! Why must they be so oblivious!" Trusting Zeke to guard, pshhh, seems stupid to us, but Akia doesn't know...

Not sure if this was intended, but I did notice so slight foreshadowing of the phone call, but only after the phone call did I realize this. Since Akia was thinking 'I shouldn't stray far in case we have to leave at a moment's notice. I love the ending. Leaving us with a little suspense. Oh, I cannot wait for the next part (so I can continue raging at you... What?) Keep Writing Awesomely,
~Wolfare





If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.
— Noam Chomsky