Akia
They headed to Sam’s house after they got everyone together. His house wasn’t too far from Falyn’s, but it was more secluded. They’d be better off there.
He lived on the second floor of his aunt’s house. She wasn’t really his aunt, but rather just a woman he had met that was playing the part. He had to fit in in Agathi. So building himself a family was one of his top priorities.
Sam’s house had three rooms: two bedrooms and an open room. They laid out blankets and pillows that they collected from around the house. Falyn and Mina shared a blanket while Zeke and Sam spread out to find more space. Akia had grabbed a few blankets, but all she ended up doing was sitting against the wall, clinging them against her chest.
Everyone fell asleep within ten minutes. Everyone except for Akia that is. She tried to sleep, but her body refused to oblige. There was too much going through her mind.
Everything had gone wrong. She was supposed to stake out the city and wait until she got word that the moonstar was safe and well. Those were her orders. But she couldn’t help herself when she saw the Hund Warrior. She had to figure out why he was there. And when he wandered into the Market, she just had to follow. Hund Warriors attacked first and thought second. Someone was going to end up getting hurt.
After taking a deep breath, Akia closed her eyes. Sleep would come eventually, she figured. But the only thing she saw behind her closed eyelids were scenes from the market. After watching herself tackle the Hund Warrior over and over again, she gave up. Sleep wasn’t going to come easy. And it sure wasn’t going to come soon.
“Pst, hey,” Sam said suddenly, opening his eyes. “Are you awake?” Akia just stared at him. “Right. We need to talk.” Quietly, the two of them left the room and headed down the stairs.
“You sure Janice won’t mind that we’re down here?”
“Yeah,” Sam responded. “She’s asleep. And besides, she’s got the only fridge in the house.” He grinned as he opened the fridge and grabbed a soda for each of them.
Even as they both stood there, Akia couldn’t stop looking out the window. After each sip, her eyes darted to the window. All she could see was trees and an empty, dark sidewalk.
“Akia,” Sam said, placing a hand on her shoulder. “You need to relax. We’re safe here.”
“For now,” she responded. “The Hunds will find out soon and then they won’t leave us alone.”
“How are they gonna find out? You silenced the one back at the house. He won’t be telling anyone any time soon.”
“But what if—“
“You need to stop worrying.”
Akia sighed. “I guess I can calm down a bit.” She took another sip of her soda. “But what about the moonstar? When are we supposed to have her at Lighport?”
“When I said stop worrying, I meant stop worrying.” Sam put down his soda. “We haven’t talked in years. I miss you.”
Akia looked at Sam. He had changed a lot since they were twelve. It had been four years. Of course he had changed.
The last time they had seen each other was the night that they had received their assignments. Sam was excited to visit Agathi.
“They say it’s the most peaceful of all the cities,” he had said, bouncing up and down on his bed. “And I’ve never been there. Have you been there?”
“No, Sam,” she responded, an annoying tone in her voice. “I’ve been everywhere you’ve gone.” But Sam hadn’t picked up on her tone and didn’t seem to care. He was too excited.
They had said goodnight and Akia left for her separate room. She would miss Sam, but at the same time she was happy to be staying in Lightport. She didn’t want to go anyplace anywhere soon.
“How’s your life been since then?” she asked, pulling herself out of her memories. If she didn’t she would soon reach the memories that she had worked so hard to bury.
“Nothing but normal,” he replied. “I’ve been living out life here; trying to fit in and all that.”
Akia nodded. “Bet that’s not at the top of your list for exciting adventures.”
“No, but I did get to meet a lot of cool people,” Sam said, suddenly blushing. “Like Falyn.” Akia watched, grinning, as Sam looked away and took a sip of his soda. Even in the moonlight, the only light shining through the room, she could clearly see his cheeks turning red.
“You like her, don’t you?”
“What, no!” He said unconvincingly. Akia laughed.
Suddenly there was a door slam that came from down the hall. Akia flinched involuntarily. She’d been on her toes since the encounter at the market.
**A short, older woman rushed down the hall towards them, flipping on lights as she went. Her black hair was wrapped in curlers, some of them hanging on to strands that had fallen. Her nightdress was long enough to scrape against the floor as she rushed towards them.
“Thank God…you’re up…” Janice said through deep breaths. “The Force…is…coming. Hide now.” She was staring at Akia as she said that, almost as if Sam didn’t exist. Akia’s heart raced. If there were guards coming, they’d be after her. She was the one that escaped them after all.
Sam raced into action. Without a sound, he raced up the stairs. Akia thanked Janice before following him up. She didn’t pause to question how Janice knew the Force was coming. She just took off. Unlike Sam, her feet pounded against the hardwood with each step she landed on.
By the time she reached the landing, everyone was awake. Zeke was rushing around, collecting the blankets and stuffing them behind the couch. Of course he’d be hurrying to hide too. He was on the bus with Akia. They’d want him captured too.
“Over here guys,” Sam shouted, waving them over to the bathroom. Akia would’ve thought that it was strange if they didn’t have to hide quickly.
She rushed forward, pulling Falyn and Mina along with her.
“What’s going—“
“Shut up!” Akia said, cutting off Mina. If she was going to come with them, she’d have to learn how to keep her mouth shut.
Somehow they all piled into the shower, pulling the curtain closed in front of them. Akia knew that it wouldn’t hide them forever. She had to put her trust in Janice. The woman seemed tough. She could hold the Force downstairs. If Sam trusted her, she could trust her.
“Why are we in here?” Mina asked. “The Force has no reason to be following us.”
“Hate to tell you sweetheart, but they do,” Zeke said. He looked pointedly at Akia. “That girl’s the reason why.”
“Don’t blame it all on me,” Akia snapped. “You were in the bus with me. They’re looking for you too.”
“Looking for you,” Mina said, her eyes wide with surprise. But her look soon changed to panic. “I’m here with two criminals? I need to get outta here!” She moved to climb out of the shower, but Falyn grabbed her arm and pulled her back in.
The pounding on the door was loud enough to reach their hiding spot. With each pound, Akia calmed down. By the time Janice opened the door, Akia was ready for a fight.
“Why are we hiding,” she whispered to Sam. “Can’t we just go out there and fight them off?”
“No,” he responded firmly. “You’ll just cause more trouble.”
“We wouldn’t want that now would we,” Zeke chimed in, smirking. She resisted the urge to punch him in the face.
They all waited in silence and tried to listen to the commotion downstairs. Akia could hear nothing but muffled voices. But they all stayed downstairs and didn’t seem to be coming near to them.
Suddenly, Falyn straightened up. Akia looked at her, trying to read her look. It was one she had seen before. Quickly, she pushed past Sam, who was standing beside her, and wrapped Falyn in a bear hug. Falyn struggled against her, but her grasp was too strong.
“But that’s my dad down there,” Falyn said. “I need him to know I’m okay!”
“He doesn’t need to know,” Akia said, hoping to convince Falyn to stay there. “No one needs to know.”
“I want to say goodbye before I leave!”
“No.” Akia said firmly, tightening her grip. Sooner or later Falyn would give up fighting and forget about her father. It would be better that way. When you forget that someone ever existed, there won’t be as much pain when you lose them.
Eventually Falyn did stop fighting. She sat down and buried her head in her hands. Akia knew how she was feeling, but she wasn’t going to comfort her. If Falyn wanted to make it to Lightport alive, she had to buck up. She needed to be strong.
They all sat in silence, waiting for the Force to leave. After what felt like ages, Janice found them in the bathroom and informed them that the Force was gone. It was safe to come out.
Akia breathed a sigh of relief as she climbed out of the shower and exited the bathroom. She was too busy thinking of their next move to realize the feeling spreading through her. It was the feeling she got when she knew something wasn’t right. It was the same feeling she had felt in the market.
By the time she saw the guard at the top of the steps, it was too late to defend herself. She could only stand and stare as blue light rushed towards her.
End of chapter
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hello KatyaElefant here for another review! Let us see what we have right here!
I want to see everything as a movie in my mind but it's hard for me to imagine what you are imagining in your mind. Also why are there stars in this sentence below? Why are they there?
The way that your sentences transition isn't very smooth in some cases. You had a lot of cases where you had simple sentences that could be combined to make complex or compound sentences. The numerous amounts of simple sentences make me pause in my reading and that isn't very smooth. Also I feel a lack of imagery now and it makes me sad.
"**A short, older woman rushed down the hall towards them, flipping on lights as she went."
Just the tiniest nitpick(ever), you should have a comma instead of a period right after that no.
I love how you managed to just have Akia ask Sam about him liking Falyn in the middle of all this fury of madness. It's quite humorous actually that she chooses to ask him that question at that moment. I'm a little confused with the relationship between Sam and Akia. Are they friends or are they surprise lovers in the future? What's going to happen between them? Also, OH MY GOSH Akia! Is she okay? Did she die? Silly cliffhanger(that I can easily read onto the next chapter and find out what happens)! Now I have to read the next chapter to find out what happens!
I really like the fighting scenes. I'm not the biggest action fan but you make it sound really exciting and you are good at including the reader in the action. I adore it when you write in Akia's perspective because it just gives us a new perspective on the whole situation. The way this novel is written reminds me of a storybook but with one person and well written! Overall great job! Remember to keep calm and keep writing!
Hey, Noelle! Time for another review! Now, since it has been two days since my last review, I shall leave you with another one! (Hopefully you will see this when you get back.) Now, I must say one thing about your book before I begin... WHY MUST IT BE SO GOOD?! Did you plan this?! (Leaving it a like, also, reviewing as I read.)
Okay... it might not be a legitimate nitpick, but reading it aloud sounded odd to me. Perhaps, "Clinging to them, with the material against her chest." Or, simply, "Clinging to them against her chest."Yeah! One of my first legitimate nitpicks on your story!
*Raises eyebrows* Sorry, total Mulan moment. I read "Hund" as "Hun." So, yeah, I was confused. However, was that something trying to spark a reference in us? To remind us of something connecting us with the real world while reading Across Worlds?
Or am I over thinking this? Moving on...Sorry, I know some of the reviews that I have skimmed over in the comments focus on repetition... and that right there seems like repetition to me... So, sorry. Just pointing that out. (Going back to comment some more.) Perhaps it would be good to read this over and check for the repeating of adjectives, and verbs.
I am most curious about this... How does the soda taste? Is it bubbly, fizzy, flat? (Another sorry) I just... I know they are drinking soda, but what does the can look like? Really like to know that, even if the description is brief.
Yes, aha! Information. Now the reader knows, (if already not been told >.<) that Sam is at least 16! Yay for info! I also feel sorta bad for Akia, it would be hard for someone you know to change like that. Even over long period of time. However, I am also wondering what sparked that last comment, "Of course he had changed."? Was it the "I miss you" or how he looked?
Wait, if... if Zalyn is a ship... what happens with Sam and Falyn!? Oh... I had a moment of sadness right there... No more Salyn... I mean, it wasn't a thing in the first place. However, may I write some more fanfiction of your story? Please?
I'm a little (okay, not little, extremely) against using "s/he said [insert anything]." It feels a bit like telling... Maybe add something about his voice getting a little higher and [whatever others do when they are trying to lie.]
NOO! Akia! You... you evil, evil person. Well! I have to go to bed and think about this cliff hanger... Keep on writing!
~Rae,
Timmy here!
So first things first, I think we should go through one teensy nitpick, the only one I will address in this review because I think I want to focus on some plot in this review, instead.
So those are a few cases of the redundancy I found in this work. There aren't too many, so much so that you lose your focus on the work. Heavens, no. But there are enough of them for me to consciously notice the redundant words and phrases, and they catch me each time. Like a jerk in your story. They aren't a big deal, really, but when you go through with editing, you should read you work out loud because it helps a lot to help redundant stuff that way - and then edit accordingly, with synonyms and re-wording. Before I leave this bit, let me make sure you understand that I didn't consider the second-to-last paragraph to be redundancy, when you repeated your feeling. I felt like that was purposeful, and it built the suspense of the scene, so I would call that repetition, which, even though many people don't realize, is totally different than redundancy.
So onto a bit of plot! *rubs hands together evilly*
One thing you need to remember to make sure we know is the relation between Sam and his aunt. Now, I know that you're probably saying here: "But I told you already!" - but you never actually state things like 1) how does his aunt know that Akia is being hunted by the Force and 2) if she does know, is she a person that has been confided in by Sam to his job and what he does. I think you could go and show us a little more from Akia's point of view - especially because this is supposed to be third person limited, or so I believe you stated somewhere... But anyway, you need to have more from her point of view, and keep it there. So the beginning of the chapter should be remodeled, because it would work from Sam's point of view, but not Akia's because she doesn't actually live there and hasn't known Sam for four years, so wouldn't know the layout of his house, anyway. So maybe make it an observation of hers instead of just general information? That might make more sense, and at the same time, you can always insert little tidbits of thought and feeling to bring us in closer to the character - something that is essential (thought, especially) to the story. So I think you could do a teensy bit more of that to bring us in, but you do have some thought already in here - so no big changes. Just more from her perspective, instead of just a general view. Remember: when she is the narrator, it's her story. So it should be written from her perspective. Each and every word.
The force going after them... only seems natural. They seem to be very much after Akia and Zeke, and it makes me wonder if they believe there is something far more dangerous to them than just normal criminals. No doubt they brought some magic people along to take care of her if they ever found her.
It is at these times when I come to the conclusion that I hate you. Why the cliffhanger? So meeeeeeaaaaan.
~Darth Timmyjake
hehe. The cliffhangers only get worse apparently xD
I do tend to repeat a lot of words. I've been working on that lately, noticing where I do it and squashing the problem there. Hopefully it's working ^_^ And yes, the part about his aunt is very rushed. I overlooked her somehow. Will fix that when I edit.
Thanks for de reviews!
Welcome.
I do the same thing with repeating words. *Grumbles*
Hey Noelle, I'm baaaaack early this morning for a little bit! And you advanced in points while I was in bed. No fair XD Aywho I have a nitpick for ya!
you understand the meaning of the bold words, ja?
So, for the actual writing, this chapter felt a little flat. Especially the beginning. It was just boring. I know they were gathering blankets, which isn't an overly exciting thing, but I was just like droning on (sorry, that may sound kind of harsh) It got better when Sam and Akia talked. You are doing a good job of giving us backstory without loads of info dumps, or random parts where you just explain stuff. Every time, you have a good reason for telling us. and that's impressive, and sometimes hard to do!
And then the cliffhanger!!! Well done, but I'm still a little bored by the description "blue light" I honestly have no idea what in the world I'm supposed to envision here. My reflexes are telling me it's like Loki shooting stuff from his staff in The Avengers, but if that's the case, I would suggest writing it differently. Maybe try something like "She could only stand and stare as the blast of the azure magic bolt rushed towards her." or something like that. Add some flare to it! Make it come alive!
That's it for this chapter. I'm going for the next one! And you had no word count
~Messenger
Allright!
The main thing that bothers me here is them sleeping. After all that happened, Falyn, Zekke and even Mina would have alot of questions, and you give us nothing.
Second, I get that there is an Akia's memory here? I think you need to point that out, like itallic it all.
Next, **, these two bad boys, not sure what that is. Someone already pointed out, but you didn't edit it so i decided to remind you.
Overall, this chapter was a bit confusing to me; character's reactions in particular. For an example, Zekke has no real reason to stick with the group except for curiosity. Falyn should have tons of questions. Sam and Akia's relationship is a little bit shady; I'm not sure if they are related or she has a crush on him(which i would somehow like to happen), or they just grew up.
On the other side, I think your writing has improved alot, since this is a second chapter in a row where nothing bothered me. Which is good. I actually start to like Akia, even though up untill now she was repuslive to me.
Plot twist in the end, really, really nice.
So...I'm little bit uncertain about this. Maybe add some conversation before they go to sleep? Still im sure in reality the group would have a sleepless night.
-Alchemist
I'm finally here! Sorry I took so long.
This was really nice, we got a bit of an insight into Sam and Akia's friendship. We even found out that Sam has feelings for Falyn, similar to Falyn's feelings for him.
Let's take a quick look of what I've suggested to you in the past reviews.
Recap:
I've mentioned that I thought you could include some more imagery; I think that has improved. I'm seeing a lot more.
-One thing I was wandering about, though, was how did those sodas taste?
Another thing I mentioned was character development; and I'm starting to get to know your characters a lot better. Akia, I'd say is the most developed. Zeke and Sam are tied for second, and Falyn... well, I think there's a whole bunch more we need to know about her, until we can say we understand her. What do we know about Falyn? Well she flunked extra schooling ( for now ), her best friend's Mina, her dad's a Force guy- she doesn't see him often. We know she has a thing for Sam, and that's about it.
Have you tried using a character template? I was against them before because you have to let it flow. But that's not always true with some characters. Some characters just happen. they're people, without you really realizing what was going on. Like Akia, I assume. And some characters need a lot more attention and planning.
Think of some things you think would be good to know about Falyn; does she have a nick name? Does she like her name? What's her favorite colour? What's her personality ( write it down, and be open to new things )? Does she have any quirks? Maybe she finds bumble bees hypnotic, clouds scary, or only drinks from plastic cups? Try to consider what makes a person. We're all very deep, there's so many memories, thoughts, habits, traditions, attributes, etc. that make a person a person.
I've been really trying to get better at building characters myself, and learning a bunch... I hope this helps you... another thing I've heard is really good to figure out more about people, and a lot of writers turn to for helping to understand characters, is biographies.
So... back to this chapter.
Basically, I liked it. Though, it does feel, to me, like the story needs to get going.... there's been lots of things happening, but not really things to do with going to the other city, and all. Maybe that's just me.
That's all I have to say... I found the moment in the shower kind of amusing- maybe it wasn't suppose to be, but I have a odd sense of humour these days...
Keep it up!
-Socks
Aww, man, the end of the chapters you've posted:(. So, I'm still piecing together more of the plot. I really didn't see any major grammar mistakes. I mean, in this one, there were a few awkward wording places, but nothing huge. What can I say, you're doing great with this story. I like that you've told us more of the time period by slipping in things like fridges and showers and stuff. Now we know that it's more of a modern feel with a different year. So, like I told you with the other stuff, your formatting looks fine. I love your adjectives and adverbs. You don't use too many, but enough so that we can see a picture of what's going on. I mean, you don't get too wordy, but at the same time you're very descriptive. As for the plot, it's great. Who am I to tell you that something in a fantasy book isn't right? That's something I love about writing fantasy, is that you can do anything you want in the world YOU created. No one can tell you that's not realistic or anything, because it's not supposed to be. By the way, I'd love it if you let me know whenever you post another chapter. I will happily read and review! Keep writing!
'“Pst, hey,” Sam said suddenly, opening his eyes. “Are you awake?” Akia just stared at him. “Right. We need to talk.” Quietly, the two of them left the room and headed down the stairs.' - I was a little confused about who was talking in this section. Maybe you could take a new line more often to make it clearer.
'“No, Sam,” she responded, an annoying tone in her voice.' - I think her tone may be "annoyed", rather than "annoying".
'She didn’t want to go anyplace anywhere soon.' - I'm not sure what this was meant to do but anyplace and anywhere mean basically the same thing.
'**A short, older woman rushed down the hall towards them, flipping on lights as she went.' - I have absolutely no idea what the *'s are for. I normally use them for a change of setting or place but this sentence takes place immediately after the one beforehand.
'“Hate to tell you sweetheart, but they do,” Zeke said.' - There should be a comma before 'sweetheart'.
'“No.” Akia said firmly, tightening her grip.' - There should be a comma after 'No', rather than a full stop.
'When you forget that someone ever existed, there won’t be as much pain when you lose them.' - There is a bit of a problem with tenses here. Maybe it could be 'When you forget that someone ever existed, there isn't as much pain when you lose them.' or 'If you forget that someone ever existed, there won't be as much pain when you lose them.' It doesn't have to be like either of those but I just don't think it quite works like that. I really like the sentiment though and that will be a really good sentence.
'Akia breathed a sigh of relief as she climbed out of the shower and exited the bathroom. She was too busy thinking of their next move to realize the feeling spreading through her.' - I'm not sure about this but I was thinking you could start that second sentence as 'But she was too busy... '. It just would add an extra sense of jeopardy.
Okay, onto plot stuff. I haven't read the other chapters but I think that may have helped because I got a really good sense of all the characters and I could tell by what happened here somewhat how they got there and where they are. I'm intrigued and at some point I'll probably go back and review the other chapters too. I really like the relationship between Sam and Akia because it doesn't seem very romantic and that's important, in my opinion.
Well done
Hi Noelle!
I think you're having problems focusing the story. For example:
Generally when you write a character's name like that, it indicates that we are now looking through their perspective. But that doesn't happen here, you stay in third person...until the second and third sentence when you offer opinions. To say that a house isn't far is one thing, but to say it isn't "too far" opens up the narrator to questioning: how far is too far in the narrator's mind? And who is the narrator to say that they'd be better off there?
It seems unlikely that Akia is the narrator here, otherwise she would have used "We" instead of "They" in the first sentence. So, who exactly is the narrator?
The detailing here is very confusing for me. He lives on the second floor of his aunt's house, but it is unclear if "Sam's House" is the entire house, or just the second floor, which he lives on. But if the Aunt owns the house, wouldn't it make more sense for Sam to take the basement (if applicable) or to just have one room on the second floor and have the other rooms used for communal purposes?
It would be better if you omitted the details about the number of rooms and left it out. When you do that, the reader will automatically create their own image of the house. Then you could just put people in rooms and the house in the reader's mind would automatically adjust to fit the new information.
Starting the paragraph with the number of rooms just detracts from the main point the paragraph is trying to make: that people are settling down for the night. More story, less floor plan.
I think the conversation between Akia and Sam qualifies as chit-chat. That's not a bad thing most of the time, but late at night it would probably be silly to say "Hey, let's see if that person with their eyes closed wants to catch up, because she totally won't need her strength later.
Cute as the conversation is, I think it would be more useful if they actually discussed an important topic. Things like planning their next move would advance the story; adding substance to a conversation that is otherwise fluff.
I think this is wrong. If this kind of feeling happened to a person, it would interrupt any thought process they had going on. It may be possible to ignore hunger, but it isn't possible to ignore that feeling of a threat. She either doesn't have the feeling, or she has the feeling and dismisses it, in my opinion.