From the time I was a young child,
I looked upon the face of my dad.
Hidden under the shade of his
ACU’s hat, his face void of emotion.
“Don’t go Daddy!”
I want to wail to him, but I watch him go.
His camouflaged form fading from view.
I want to cry and sob, and curl into a ball.
“Why must he leave?” I wanted to ask.
But I know that you have a duty,
that you must perform,
to be called away from me, Mommy, and my brothers.
Two weeks, a Month, A year- days drag by slowly,
hours crawl by, and minutes barely pass.
This is repeated till the day you can come home.
Why must our family, be separated day after day,
month after month, because of a single job?
But Dad, you are my hero, even ignoring the fact,
you were gone most of the time.
You are and forever will be my hero.
I love you Daddy.
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138,730 Literary Works • 672,262 Reviews
Hey GreenTulip! Aley again.
To me this is an example of what to do and what not to do.
This is a little confusing because of "form" and "from" because these two words are so closely spelled that it's easy to read them backwards.
This sounds too formal for an emotional poem.
The comma after "family" makes this read poorly.
So show us that.
I think this poem is worse than the other one I reviewed in terms of useless things. I took a lot of things out of the poem and separated them so you could see which of these things work and which don't. Since I know that you have a problem reading long things, I'll keep this brief.
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First off, it's rather confusing whether your narrator actually said this or not. Did she? Also, you are using "to" and "go" a lot in a short amount of time.
I'd suggest revision to show more than you're telling here.
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When alone, this really means nothing.
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Again, if we take this alone, it really doesn't give us much of an idea of time passing slowly. I'd suggest with these types of things to revise it to a more exact moment.
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Overall the first few times I read this poem I thought it was alright, but it feels like a very surface narrative without many things that actually go into sensory detail. I'd suggest you take some of the good things about it, like "camouflage" and expand on them. Give us some sights and sounds we can hear and see with this poem of waiting.
As a Navy brat myself, I just have to say that I really love this. :')
Hey GreenTulip~
I'm one of your reviewers for the Poetry Exchange!
What a touching poem. It's always nice to get some emotions out onto paper.
I'm just going to jump in with a few critiques before I gush about your poem.
At the beginning of the poem you're addressing a third party, but then you make a sudden shift into addressing you dad. Make sure the person you're speaking to is clear and consistent throughout the poem.
I think this might just be my OCD coming out, but I think you might want to flip this around so it's all in ascending or descending order. What I mean by that is "minute, hour, day, week..." or "Year, month, week, day..." It seems a little funky as is.
You've already established that your dad's gone a long time in the stanza before this one. The repetition here gets a tad tiresome. I would suggest sticking with either "day after day" or "month after month" not both.
Okay. The nasty part's done. Onto the happy things.
I love this stanza. It gives the reader a good picture of a soldier leaving home.
The entire piece is just so relatable. I don't have anyone in the military, but I can certainly sympathize with those who do. I think your poem can touch a little bit in everyone.
I hope to see more of your work.
See ya,
Megs~
This piece truly explains the pains of having a loved one in the military. What gave you the inspiration to write this?
This is my outtake on it. My Dad, is in the Army, and many of my family members are or have been in the military. He is my hero and this is dedicated to him.
Hello, GreenTulip.
Happy Olympic week to you!
RachelLeeAnn here to review.
Goodness, this piece strikes a nerve with me. As a fellow army-brat, I understand the pain of rarely seeing your dad. It's really hard. That being said, I only had a couple things to complain about:
Unnecessary comma.
Unnecessary comma here as well. Also, the words in blue are substitutions that I thought fit a little better.
Great job on this! I always love reading stories from other military families. Very emotional.
Keep writing!
-Rae^^
Deadman here with a review for you today! This is clearly a piece straight from the heart. I can see it, and I can feel it. It's very emotional, and really touches me as the reader. That's really really good though. I mean, I think I felt a tear coming to my eye, because it made me think of my Grandpa who served. This piece speaks, not only for you, but for many others as well. That's really good, because I'm assuming you wrote it straight from your heart. It's amazing that something from your heart could connect to other people isn't it? Great poem really, I only came across one thing that bugs me.
"Hid under the shade of his
ACU’s hat, his face void of emotion."
In my honest opinion, instead of putting Hid, I would have put Hidden, it sounds kinda goofy with hid. Like I said it's a small thing that bugs me. Other than that this poem was beautifully written. I love the poem, I really do, and I hope I helped you a little bit. Until next time, happy writing!
Cheers,
Deadman XD
this is a very good poem , that is full of emotions ....looove it