z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Thunder and Ice Chapter 2 The News

by felistia


“WHAT!” Neckeata thundered, whipping out her wings so that they blocked the sunlight for a second.

“T-t-there was a robbery last night,” the messenger stuttered, backing away from Neckeata’s menacing shadow, “The thieves got away. The soldiers say they can’t find any trace of them.”

Neckeata growled and racked her talons against the white marble stairs.

“All they found where a few crystalized fragments of the chains and locks use to bolt the doors. There’s no sign of the two guards.”

“Ice Talons,” Neckeata hissed, her voice thick with venom, “That’s it. They’ve crossed the line. First they want our land and now they take away the one thing that gives us power.” The messenger back away a bit more as Neckeata’s back spikes started bristling, “I’m declaring war on those dragons. They have gone too far.” She started marching towards the open palace doors.

‘Uh oh,’ Malanka thought, scrambling behind a marble column as her mother can storming past, her tail lashing furiously and smoke pouring from her snout.

Only once her mother’s enraged paw steps had faded into the depths of the palace, did Malanka dare to poke her head out from behind the pillar. She’d never seen her mother this angry before. Her parents had never told her much about the Lightning Diamond and so it was mostly a mystery to her. She did know however that without it the Wind Talons would be the weakest tribe on the entire continent on Megalonia, having no real powers like the other tribes. Being without it would mean certain doom for the whole tribe. Her father was going to teach her about the Lightning Diamond in the coming weeks, once she’d earned her place as a soldier.

Suddenly Malanka realized that her father must have already heard about the robbery and must have sent the messenger to tell Neckeata. This would mean that her Father wouldn’t be training her today. It would be that other older Lightning Talon today; Darlarth. Malanka sighed in frustration and slowly made her way towards the training court.

Her talons clacked on the marble floors as she walked down the long corridors. Deeper and deeper she journeyed into the mountain side. Glowing firestones embedded into the hallways’ ceilings lit her way, their pulsing crimson light causing her cobalt scales to take on a red tint. After a while the tunnels started to slop gently upwards. Soon Malanka saw an opening ahead of her, the bright sunlight beckoning her forwards.

She emerged out into the crater of the mountain. The afternoon sun glared down on her and craggy walls of rock surrounded her from all sides. There, standing in the middle of the bowl was a Lightning Talon, his faded sky blue scales reflecting the golden light.

“Morning Malanka,” he said cheerily when he saw her walk in, “Lovely day today.”

“Morning Darlarth,” Malanka replied in a less than enthusiastic voice. She really didn’t like training with him. He was way too talkative for her liking. Only her father was supposed to teach her how to fight. He’d been teaching her since she’d hatched and she’d grown accustomed to his more silent way of teaching. Unfortunately with this new problem with the Ice Talons, it looked like he wouldn’t be here today.

“You ready for your lesson?” Darlarth asked, expanding his ragged wings, “Let’s see if we can work on your attack and agility this time around. Last time you were still a bit on the sloppy side.”

“I guess,” Malanka said, stretching her own sleek royal blue wings. It was always important to limber up her wings, other whys she found that she’d get a cramp in them after a few minutes in the air.

“Come on then,” Darlarth leapt into the air with the grace of a falcon. He climbed well over forty meters before stopping to hover.

Taking a deep breathe, Malanka crouched, spread her wings and pushed off the ground. She loved the feeling of the warm afternoon air under her wings as she ascended into the sky. The dirt below dropped away and soon she was level with Darlarth.

“Ready?” he asked as he flexed his talons, letting a small vein of electricity flash over his paws.

“Ready,” Malanka growled excitedly. She always felt like this before a battle. Ripples of adrenaline raced up and down her stomach and she felt her muscles tension. Time seemed to slow as Darlarth arched his neck and opened his jaws, readying to send a bolt of lightning towards her. Malanka closed her eyes, feeling the power building inside her. This was it.

A loud boom filled the air around her and Malanka snapped her eyes open. A bolt of golden lightning was streaking through the air towards her. She shirked to the left, twisting her tail to keep balance in the air. For one terrifying second she thought she’d over balanced, but with a quick twist of her wings, she spun and threw a ball of white lightning hurtling back at Darlarth.

He folded his wings and dived, letting the orb pass over his head. Another thundering bang filled the air as the sphere hit the rocky walls and shattered. A maze of electricity sparked over the rocks for a second before fading.

Darlarth spun out of his fall and swooped up with a roar. Clinching his claws, another ball of lightning formed in his paw. He dipped into a quick loop the loop and trust the orb at Malanka, but this time she easily dodged and plunged down, talons spread. Her heart was pounding as she aimed for Darlarth. If she could just knock him off balance she’d be able to take him down. She’d never been able to catch him before, but this time she could feel it in her bones. Night after night she’d practiced pumping her wings to the absolute limit of her endurance. Now she could make the tight turns and split second adjustments she needed to catch him.

Darlarth twisted to avoid her dive, but she flicked her wings to change course, veering sharply to the left. With a roar of triumph, she caught hold of his claws and locked talons. They spun into a free fall and were sent tumbling towards the earth. At the last second he broke free of her grasp. They both flung open their wings, swooping low over the ground. Dust and loose rocks scattered below them as they climbed skyward once more.

Once again Darlarth was ahead of her, but he’d forgotten to weave and dive and was now flying in a straight path. He was a perfect target. Malanka took in a deep breath, feeling the heat building inside her. Darlarth was just ahead. Rearing back, she sent a burst of orange flame hissing through the air straight into Darlarth’s tail. He let out a roar of fury and spiraled downwards, crashing onto the soft sand of the mountain’s crater.


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Mon Oct 03, 2016 7:17 pm
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Megrim wrote a review...



Onward we go! I'm going to type my thoughts down as I read for this one.

I'm curious what colors to picture for the dragons, like when Makani stretches out her wings. Dragons come in a lot of shapes and sizes, too, eg smooth and snakelike vs horned and lizardlike, Western vs Eastern, wings attached to forelegs vs separate, leathery or batlike or feathery or all sorts of options for the wings and scales and stuff. So maybe a bit more on what exactly to picture? Just a taste is fine.

What about the guards? Were they found dead? Missing?

If the lightning diamong is what gives them power, how will this affect them going forward? Does its loss handicap them in some way? That's an intriguing idea.

Beautiful description of the passage into the mountain, with the glowing crimson firestones. (I didn't realize there was a mountain--maybe that could be mentioned in ch1?)

With a declaration of war and this huge deal of the diamond going missing, how does that affect daily life? Do other people know? Has Darlath heard the news, is he worried? Do they need to carry on as usual, or does this disrupt things? I wouldn't mind the narrative touching on this a little bit.

“Ready,” Malanka growled excitedly. She always felt like this before a battle. Ripples of adrenaline raced up and down her stomach and she felt her muscles tension.
Doesn't sound like she dislikes it too much then :P

I'm curious about the rules for their lightning magic. Does it take a toll on them in any way? Are they born with the ability? How do they control it?

Fun and beautiful fight scene! The flying adds an extra dimension to it that I just love. Is there anything in particular she needs to work on? This seems like it's just a practice battle, but it might be neat for there to be a specific lesson involved, something he's trying to teach her today (and you could even draw on it again later! like she needs to use what she's learned in an important situation--or she fails this time and needs to NOT fail in the future in a life-and-death situation). As fun and flashy as the fight is, I think it would be neat to have more purpose to the scene.

I'm not convinced the chapter needs to break here. It doesn't feel like as natural a stopping point as the previous chaper. More like a "part 1." But I'll see what happens in the next chapter!




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Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey felistia! I thought I'd review this for RevMo.

I'm not sure I have too much to say - overall, this is a pretty good chapter. I think you do a pretty good job of showing things through the point of view of the non-human narrator, though I would be wary of overusing things like talon's clacking or tails swishing.

Your fight scene wasn't bad - it was very readable and I didn't get confused at all. But it does kind of lack tension. With training scenes, the reader thinks that the characters probably aren't going to get hurt or anything, so tension has to come from other things in the scene - character conflicts or internal conflicts. As it's written now, you don't really show any of Malanka's thoughts during the battle. We don't know what she's feeling or thinking - is she analyzing Darlarth's every move or is she kind of slacking off because she doesn't want to train with him? Is she feeling competitive? Is she nervous? Really diving into a character's feelings even in the most trivial of scenes is what makes both your scenes and your characters rich and interesting.

You do say she's excited at the beginning of the battle, but then her feelings just kind of drop off the map.

I like how Malanka's more concerned with how the stuff with the dragons is messing with her training schedule, rather than y'know, the fact that they're actually going to go to war. It's definitely something that feels like a hallmark of her character - it shows her sort of limited worldview.

The only other thing I have to say is to watch out for the occasional typo - you used "where" instead of "were," and a couple times you missed some commas.

Good luck with this rest of this! I hope you're still writing it, as it seems like a pretty interesting idea.




felistia says...


Thanks so much for the review. I've been waiting ages for one. I am still writing this, but I was waiting to see if people where interested in it. I completely agree with the battle scene. I thought something was missing. I'll fix the problems right away. Thanks again and I hope you have a great day\night. :D



felistia says...


Thanks so much for the review. I've been waiting ages for one. I am still writing this, but I was waiting to see if people where interested in it. I completely agree with the battle scene. I thought something was missing. I'll fix the problems right away. Thanks again and I hope you have a great day\night. :D



felistia says...


Thanks so much for the review. I've been waiting ages for one. I am still writing this, but I was waiting to see if people where interested in it. I completely agree with the battle scene. I thought something was missing. I'll fix the problems right away. Thanks again and I hope you have a great day\night. :D



Mea says...


No problem, I'm glad it was helpful! :D



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Wed Aug 24, 2016 6:43 pm
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Laurenh6 wrote a review...



Hey I'm going to do you a reviewww like we agreed on so yah :P . Can I just say, I really loved this chapter, in terms of description it's very cool. Really liked the battle bit - that was really cool.. I could really picture it. Hope Darlath's alright ;) .

So your description is awesome! Best one's I picked out were .... "Voice thick with venom", "Pulsing crimson light"... You create good imagery, and ya kno I love that sorta thing so well done :D .

I noticed a few spelling errors however.. I'll show you:

1) "She’d never seen her mother this angry before. Her father had probably hear about the robbery already and must have sent the messenger to tell Makani" .... It should be "Her father had probably HEARD about the robbery"

2) "After a while the tunnels started to slop gently upwards." should be SLOPE upwards

3) “I guess,” Malanka said, stretching her own wings. It was always important to limber up her wings, other whys she found that she’d get a cramp in them after a few minutes in the air. -------- OTHERWISE not OTHER WHYS

4)Taking a deep breathe --- probably should be BREATH




Oh yeah also ..

- Your very first sentence - WHAT! - that needs a question mark rather than exclamation

-" Unfortunately with this new problem with the Ice Talons, it looked like he wouldn’t be here today." I feel like a comma is needed after "Unfortunately"

-Only once her mother’s enraged paw steps had faded into the depths of the palace, did Malanka dare to poke her head out from behind the pillar. ---- You might want to rephrase this.. It feels a little awkwardly worded. :)


But overall, your plot is developing at a good pace and I enjoy reading it. This usually isn't my preferred genre.. I usually read like Stephen King and things like that.. BUT I like this a lot and it's encouraged me to think maybe I should read more like this. It's awesome! Well done :P :)

Hope I could help!!

Lauren :)




felistia says...


Thank for review. I'll tend to the mistakes right away. By the way have you posted a new chapter yet? If so could you please send me the link? :D



Laurenh6 says...


No worries! I thought I sent you a message but maybe it didn't get through :P ... Here's there link ! :).

Watching Chapter 3



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