z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Quest for Fire Book Two ~ Frozen Past Chapter 9

by felistia


Zoltar woke to the sharp pain of talons grasping his wings and neck as harsh winds stung his face. His head was pounding and he found that heavy chains were bound to his paws, the weight of the metal making Felistia’s spike wound burn like fire. He tried to swing his tail up to stab at his attacker, but to his surprise, he couldn’t. A strong metal casing was locked onto his poisonous barb, rendering him helpless. He only had one weapon left; fire. He tried to take a gulp of air only to find that his mouth was clamped together. His captor seemed to take little notice and simply shifted its steal grip, digging its razor sharp talons further into Zoltar’s scales.

Zoltar cringed as a fresh spike of pain shot through his shoulders. Who where these dragons Zoltar thought worriedly as he went limp as possible, so not to make his abductor tighten his grip anymore. The ground was dizzyingly far down and all he could see below were pitch black spikes and daggers of ice jutting out of the uneven land. Metal scrapping against metal filled the air around him and Zoltar shifted his gaze to look up at his captor. The massive ice talon was wearing silver armour with a carving scraped into the chest piece. What Zoltar saw made his blood run cold as ice. He recognized that symbol. This wasn't just any pack of ice talons. These were the queen's soldiers; ice talons trained for battle from the day they were hatched. He was in deep trouble now. The ice talons didn't take kindly to outsiders.

Zoltar peered behind him to find a squadron of about ten ice talons, all much larger than him, flying in perfect formation, all wearing the queens symbol. Zoltar carefully examined each of the ice talons. His sharp vision looking for Felistia’s streamlined shape and glowing yellow eyes.

‘Please let her not be one of them. Please tell me that she didn’t do this,’ Zoltar pleaded silently.

To his relief none of the ice talons looked quite like her. All of them were far larger and seemed to have war wounds streaked across their snouts and wings.Just then another dragon swooped in from the swirling snows around them. She was a massive ice talon with talons that glinted like knifes even though there was not a blade of sun cutting through the cruel blizzard. But it wasn't her claws that Zoltar noticed first. It was the limp shape hanging from her talons. A huge lump formed in Zoltar’s throat as he realized who the unconscious dragon was; Felistia.

‘Oh no,’ Zoltar thought with dread, ‘What have they done to her?’ Zoltar could feel the rage burning with in him like a volcano about to explode. The ice talons must have ambushed Felistia as well. It looked like she put a better fight than him seeing that the massive dragons had more than a few lashes on her snout, but it had cost Felistia dearly. Felistia was hanging as limp as a plant in a drought, her eyes shut and wings sagging. An ugly red gash streaked across her right flank. It was deep and was bleeding badly. For a second Zoltar feared the worst, but then he realized that Felistia was still taking shallow breaths.

'She’s still alive,’ Zoltar heaved a shaking sigh of relief and felt his tense muscles relax a bit, but deep inside he wanted to rip the ice talons limb from limb for hurting Felistia in such a way. One thing bugged him though. How'd the ice talon's found them?

They flew for hours through the howling blizzard, the harsh snow sting Zoltar’s eyes and scales. Every now and then he would feel his captor adjust his grip, every time sending new spears of pain plunging into his shoulders.

Soon a new day arrived and the snow storm faded as the claws of a thin dawn broke over the white landscape. Spears of ice jutted out from the cracked ground, their tips as sharp as dragon fangs. The land seemed to be desolate at first, but after a little while Zoltar could make out the silver shapes of wolf like Drilver dragons slinking across the tundra. Herds of woolly mammoths where dotted across the bleak land, their rumbling bellows echoing in the thin morning air. They seemed to cower and huddled closer together as the shadows of the pack of ice dragons passed over head.

Before long the land changed from deserted plains of ice into ice talon villages and then into towns. In the middle of all this like a tower of doom, the ice talons palace rose into view and the troop of dragons where heading straight towards it, taking Zoltar and Felistia with them.

The bright morning sun bounced off the clear crystal walls of the palace. The towering pillars of ice sparkled and gleamed, casting rainbows of colour over the advancing soldiers. Spiked walls surrounded massive palace and archers stood guard at the gates, their bows at the ready as the pack of ice talons swooped into land.

As he landed, the leading soldier let go of his iron grip on Zoltar, sending him tumbling to the ground. He landed with a muffled thump as he hit the frozen ground outside the gates, the shock of the impact knocking the breath right out of him. Zoltar lay there gasping for breath for a few seconds before Felistia dropped next to him, causing her to groan in pain as she smacked onto the hard ice. She slowly opened her eyes, blinking as the harsh sun light momentarily blind her.

“Zoltar?” she questioned through her muzzle, her sides heaving, “What’s going on?”

“I've no idea,’ Zoltar whispered, glancing up to see that the soldiers were coming back for them, “Come on, you have to get up.”

Breathing hard from the effort, Felistia gingerly got to her feet. Zoltar was afraid that she was going to fall back down and hobbled over as fast as his chains would let him to steady her wavering body.

“It’s okay. I can stand on my own,” Felistia grimaced as the soldiers approached them, the cruel, metal chains hanging from their neck clanging together like icicles.

“Come you two. The queen wishes to see you,” The largest soldier commanded as he quickly loosened their chains enough for them to walk.

Felistia shot Zoltar a frightened look as they were led across the walk way into the palace, the heavy doors slamming shut behind them with a threatening boom.


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Sun Apr 03, 2016 7:16 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

This chapter didn't do much for me and I think it's way too short. I think you should do some slicing and dicing and switching around here.

First: there were about three short chapters that were all about the same thing - this newest journey plus the dragon-napping. All of those should be one chapter. I've gone into that in other chapters so I'm not going to repeat myself here, but if you're still not sure why or you're still not convinced, say so and I'll explain myself more :)

Second, (option one): add the first part of this chapter to that new chapter. When I say the first part I mean up until "Now I need to find out who these dragons are and what they want with us.". That's all the same scene and you'll keep the momentum going by having it all in one big exciting chapter. I know you like short chapters, but even if you combine all of this you'll still be looking at roughly 1000 words which would still be considered a short chapter. If you go this route, you might want to put a more cliff-hanger-esque ending on it so it doesn't end so abruptly, but don't get into too much description of their surroundings and don't have them get to their destination yet.

Third: the ending of this chapter can either be taken out or added to the next chapter but I wouldn't have it in the same chapter as all of the suspenseful stuff about the journey and Felistia and everything. To me, it breaks the suspense. We've had all of this tension and uncertainty and they we go back to the pretty descriptions and a bunch of time going by and arriving at the destination. Have that time pass during the chapter break. At the start of the next chapter you can mention that a bunch of time has gone by and then describe where they are now and then get into whatever is going to happen in the next chapter.

Fourth, (option two): another thing you could do is get rid of this chapter all together. If you did that, here's what you would set up. The previous chapter would end with the realization that Felistia is also a prisoner and we don't even know if she's alive. Super suspenseful. Then the next chapter would pick up with them arriving at their destination (because time passed during the chapter break) and only then would we learn that Felistia is alive. That delay would be really suspenseful and suspenseful is fun.

There's no right or wrong answer here. It's your story. So do whatever you think is best for your story, but those are just some options and thoughts I had about how you could restructure this.

‘Oh no,’ Zoltar thought with dread, ‘What have they done to her?’

Good use of specific thoughts.

‘Those snake necked vipers must have tried to knock her out the sky and in doing so, gave her that gash. Why I should rip them apart for doing this,’ Zoltar could feel the rage burning with in him like a volcano about to explode, but then he realized that Felistia was still taking shallow breaths.

And this would be a part to get more descriptive with the thoughts because it's more subjective (how does he know what they did to her? how did he think that through?) and more emotional. I think you'll be able to show the emotion more by digging into those thoughts more in a descriptive way.

'She’s still alive,’ Zoltar heaved

Good use of a specific thought because this is a fact. She's alive. There's no processing or anything involved. He saw this.

a shaking sigh of relief and felt his tense muscles relax a bit, ‘Now I need to find out who these dragons are and what they want with us.’

This is a bit awkward. Maybe try developing these thoughts more descriptively and get into what his plan is or what he wants to do now or what he thinks is going to happen. These are the things he wants, but how is he planning on doing that?

See you soon! Let me know if you have any questions/if anything I said was confusing! :D




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Tue Mar 08, 2016 11:50 am
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HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



332 words

Oh! So they're flying now! Ok, ok, ok.... That makes sense.
So, I went back to the previous chapter to see if I had missed any indication of them flying, but I couldn't really find anything. So I recommend that you reveal that they are flying in the previous chapter to avoid any further confusion at all.

I find it really cool how you included woolly mammoths. They are extinct here, so including them in this story is amazing. Now that I think of it, maybe this took place long ago and dragons have become extinct, just like a lot of animals from that long ago. Or maybe not. Either way, it's amazing how you included that. It was really creative.

The last two paragraphs are what I really love. They're really descriptive and grabbed my attention. You use "sharpness" in lots of different ways, which really sets off a good (and somewhat violent) atmosphere (for us, not Zoltar). It makes the Ice Talons seem really powerful and gives off the impression of their living condition. What's more is that you gave the mammoths some emotion as well. They're scared which really helps show off what the Ice Talons are like. I'm really curious as to what they did/are doing that would make them so terrified in the first place. It also makes the reader worry for Zoltar and Felistia. After all, if the mammoths are scared, something bad is probably going to happen soon.

ARGH! Why is my review so short?! Whhhyyyyyy????? (Punches wall) Okay, feeling better now. You did a really good job on this chapter and I'm excited to see what happens next.
So stay awesome forever!
~Holographic Ladybug :)




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. :D
I will fix the mistakes right away.
I am also glad that you liked that I put the mammoths in, I thought that would be good. :D





They were a very good addition. :D




History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
— Napoleon Bonaparte