z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Search for the Ruby of Fire Chapter 34

by felistia


‘No, no, no. This can’t be happening,’ Zoltar thought anxiously as he searched desperately for the thin shadow of the ice dragon. A flood of doubt and fear was hurling itself over his senses and he was starting to feel rather nauseous.

‘Where is she? This can’t be like my dream. Felistia wouldn’t do something like that.’ But a small voice kept echoing inside his head, whispering, ‘wouldn’t she?’

Zoltar shook his head, refusing to let his fears control him. Searching the violent snows with his sharp eyes, Zoltar sped through the storm. When he couldn’t find Felistia, he sucked in a deep breath of the icy air and let out a thunderous roar, "Feeellliiissstttiiiaaa!”

The snow around him twisted away from the blast of hot air like waves after an atomic bomb. His call echoed off into the howling blizzard, slowly fading until nothing but the cruel screaming of the wind was left.

‘She’s gone,’ Zoltar realized, after straining his ears and eyes for the smallest sign of Felistia, ‘I have lost her and right in the middle of the ice talon kingdom. What am I going to do? I have to get that diamond, but I can’t just leave Felistia, wherever she is. She is one of my best friends and if anything has happened to her I will never forgive myself. She must be out there,’ he shot another hopeful glance as the whirling white flakes around him only to once again see nothing.

Suddenly, there was the rush of powerful wing beats and the pain of cold talons seizing his wings, ripping him out the sky. Zoltar let out a yell and lunged, trying to break free as he and the unknown dragon plummeted towards earth in a wheeling spirl, but a blast of frosty breath smacked him between the horns stopping his struggles. There was a blur of icy voices and the shape of a female ice dragon swam into Zoltar’s view before he passed out.

A\N I know that this is quite short, but I couldn't resist the cliff hanger.


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Sun Apr 03, 2016 2:02 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! Wow I'm finally at the point where I can bring these out of the green room! :D

To piggy back off of what I said in the previous chapter - yeah, definitely combine these two chapters. This is such a natural progression of the previous chapter, and you're still ending in a cliff hanger. You don't need two super short chapters in a row. You wouldn't even have to do much to transition, I think you could literally just slap this one on to the ending of the last one and you'll be good to go. :)

‘No, no, no. This can’t be happening,’ Zoltar thought anxiously as he searched desperately for the thin shadow of the ice dragon.

I talk a lot about expanding thoughts and describing his thought patterns. Here is a perfect example of when to do a specific thought. This is a short, simple thought and it makes perfect sense to do it exactly as you've done it. Anything much longer than this, I would consider describing the thought process like I've talked about in previous chapters.

‘Where is she? This can’t be like my dream. Felistia wouldn’t do something like that.’ But a small voice kept echoing inside his head, whispering, ‘wouldn’t she?’

Here I think you could do a combo. "Where is she?" is a specific thought. "This can't be like my dream. Felistia wouldn't do something like that." might be better expanded and described. I think one way you can think of the distinction is that the specific thought is a statement, almost a fact. Where is she? He doesn't know where she is. The other two are more opinion/wish/desire. He hopes this isn't like his dream. He hopes Felistia wouldn't betray him. For opinions/wishes/desires, I want to get deeper into that and know why he's thinking that. For "where is she", it's obvious. He doesn't know where she is. For the other two, break down why this can't be like his dream (it's sort of implied, but still give me that thought process) and why he thinks she wouldn't do something like that.

Zoltar shook his head, refusing to let his fears control him.

I really like this line. Good characterization because it's showing his strength and what he's actually doing to try to be strong.

‘She’s gone,’ Zoltar realized,

Again, good example of a specific thought and a good example of a thought that can be in italics like this. It's short, simple, and it's a fact. She's gone. There's no disputing that. There's no need to get into or think about why he's thinking that. It's obvious.

‘I have lost her and right in the middle of the ice talon kingdom. What am I going to do? I have to get that diamond, but I can’t just leave Felistia, wherever she is. She is one of my best friends and if anything has happened to her I will never forgive myself. She must be out there,’

And then here you can describe rather than state some of these thoughts because there are a lot more thought processes underlying all of this and I want to know more. I don't want to sound like a broken record, so try to apply some of the other things I've said about how to do this, but if you get stuck let me know :)

There was a blur of icy voices and the shape of a female ice dragon swam into Zoltar’s view before he passed out.

And once again...he passes out. I think this is the forth time this has happened?

I have a feeling what happened in his dream is about to happen for real.... *worried but also really excited to see what's going to happen next*! Let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing, and I'll see you soon! :D




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Sat Mar 05, 2016 1:19 pm
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HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



328 words long

Another short chapter?! What am I going to do with you? Short chapter=probably short review from Holographic Ladybug.

Before I begin the whole meat-and-flesh part of my review, I would like to point out that when Zoltar was shouting Felistia's name (let out a thunderous roar, “Felistia!!!!!!!”), you use multiple (seven) question marks. In writing, you're not really supposed to use more than one exclamation mark. Now, you probably want to keep some sort of emphasis on her name that only one exclamation mark is incapable of. So, if you're willing to make it more emphasised or drawn out, make her name really long and write the letters in her name multiple times. (A bit like this: Feeeellllllliiiiiiissssstttttttiiiiiiiaaaaaa!)

For the most part, I love how this ended (more on that in a minute). It's a very intense and an intriguing scene and my favorite part is the one with the voices. It really gives off a terrible feeling of suspense that boosts your cliffhanger, but also raises may questions. You're really keeping your reader wanting more here (which is the great thing about cliffhangers), so a great thumbs-up goes to you. The bad thing is that I need to know the answer nnoooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwww! (Drops to knees) How could you put me through this?!
But one thing that I'm wondering is if the scene could be a little slower. I'm not sure if it's too fast and could use a bit more slowness so it sinks into the reader more. I could really use a second reviewer's opinion on this because it could be just me. But if you do want to fix this, try describing Zoltar's actions more or describing he pain of the talons that are gripping his wings. Did he suddenly feel like he was dropping from the sky because he suddenly can't fly? Was he falling to the ground? Maybe you could have more actions for Zoltar.
Of course, it could be just me and the scene's perfectly fine. Like I said, I could probably use a second opinion on this.

I really like the emotion you have with Zoltar. Thoughts can be very powerful for getting emotion across, which is a wonderful thing you have used here. The emotion you have here, which I sense is worry with a small sense of oncoming betrayal (or dread), is powerfully used and realistic. It think that it is safe to say that this is probably the best job you have done with getting emotions across thus far.

Well, that's the end of my review! Very short, but for a short chapter. If you have any questions at all, don't hesitate to ask! :)
Never stop writing because I want to know what happens next!
~Holographic Ladybug




felistia says...


Thank you for another great review. I am so sorry about all the short chapters, but I find that I write best when I write the whole chapter down in one go.
Anyway I completely agree with making the action scene at the end longer and I will go back and expand it soon. I also will try to get the next chapter out soon too. :D





Hurrah for the next chapter! :elephant:
I'm glad I could help and I'm happy that you've found something that works for you. That's great. :)




You have light and peace inside you. If you let it out, you can change the world around you.
— Uncle Iroh, Avatar the Last Airbender