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The Quest for Fire Book Two ~ Frozen Past Chapter 4

by felistia


Zoltar stared up into the sparkling heavens, studying the swirling cobalt galaxies and deep iris purple cosmoses. The night air was as sharp as steel and bitterly cold. Zoltar tucked his snout under his wing, hoping it would fight off the icy wind battering against his scales. It provided little comfort. Sighing, he tried to drift off to sleep, but his thoughts kept spinning around and around in his head.

Emerald’s soft snores vibrated through his body as he burrowed in closer for warmth. He was careful not to get to close to Shiraku, whose claws were twitching like mad. Her eyes trembled as she slept and every now and then she would let out an indignant snarl.

Zoltar forced himself to slow his thinking and forget the doubts and fears preventing him from resting. Felistia and the rest had been asleep for over three hours already and by now the two moons had rising high into the dark sky, their silver light glittering off the snowflakes drifting through the air. Slowly, but surely sleep overcame his thoughts and consciousness faded into blackness as the world faded from Zoltar’s mind.

...

The blizzard howled, tugging at Zoltar’s wings like a pack of wild wolves as he fought to make his way towards the shadowy figure of the ice talon’s palace ahead. Digging his claws into the hard icy ground he slowly inched forward, squeezing his eyes shut to block out the jagged shards of snow spiking through the air.

Suddenly the shape of the palace disappeared in a sudden burst of white snow leaving swirling nothingness. Zoltar whirled in a panic, 'Where had it gone?' He needed to get there to save Emerald and Shiraku. They could die of hypothermia if they were trapped in the ice talon prison. He had to rescue them.

Out of nowhere a silver bullet slammed him to the ground, making his head spin as it hit the hard ice.

Growling, Zoltar rolled away from his attacker and jumped to his paws, extending his ebony wings to full height, so that they billowed in the wind like the sails of a ghost ship. He stopped in surprise. Felistia was standing in front of him, her dagger like teeth bared and her spiked tail lashing violently.

“What are you doing?” Zoltar asked bewildered, still poised to attack if Felistia tried anything.

“I will not let you steal the Ice Diamond. It belongs to my people, not a scum sucking shadow talon like you,” Felistia snarled in a cold voice full of anguish.

“But you were banished … you hate the queen. Why are you doing this?” Zoltar pleaded, his head whirling.

“The queen will reward me well for bringing in a potential threat, maybe even allow me back my place in the ice talon tribe,” Felistia growled, baring her sharp, white teeth in an evil smile.

“I thought you were my friend,” Zoltar hissed angrily, raising his barbed tail, ready to strike her down. He glared at Felistia, pain burning in his amethyst eyes and like the faint whisper of a frozen lake he hissed, “but I guess you are just like any other dragon that’s ever hurt me. I should have known better.”

“They all think that,” Felistia smirked and with a fearsome roar she lunched towards Zoltar, her immense wings spread.

Zoltar leapt to the side and stabbed out violently with his barbed tail. The poisonous barb missed by a few centimetres as Felistia rolled to the left, jumped up and sent a burst of blue ice breath at him. Zoltar dropped to the ground, throwing his obsidian wings over his head as the stream of ice charged over his back spicks. Roaring in pain he lashed out blindly with his dagger like claws. He struck the Felistia on her long tail, leaving a bleeding gash. The ice talon snarled, springing back from Zoltar’s dagger like talons. She twisted her tail round to inspect the slash. Bright red blood streamed from the gash.

“I am going to make you pay for that shadow talon,” Felistia hissed, her voice loaded with toxic venom, “I don’t need you alive for me to claim my reward.”

“How could you Felistia? I trusted you and this is how you repay me? I could have left you on that island to be killed, but I didn’t,” Zoltar cried, ducking Felistia’s violent swipes.

“Things change. I told you ice talons weren't to be trusted and this is what you get for being so naïve. I mean seriously! Wisp talons and shadow talons living together? What world are you living in?” Felistia barked, tripping Zoltar with her tail.

“I want a better world, where all dragon species can live in peace and there are no wars,” Zoltar roared as Felistia leapt on top of him, pinning him to the cold ground, “I battle my entire tribe the whole time to try and bring peace. Suffering serpent’s eggs I even came on this whole craze journey to try and stop a war, but if this is how you dragons outside of the shadow lands want it then, let there be war. All my life I thought the shadow talons were the brutal ones, but now I see differently. You are all the same!” Zoltar roared as he fought to keep back the tears, “You are all deceitful snakes with wings.”

“That’s what dragons are,” Felistia hissed as she drew back her head and with a roar of triumph sent a jet of ice breath crashing down on Zoltar’s head.


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Fri Apr 01, 2016 6:52 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

Now since I suggested you cut out the part in the previous chapter about the dragons falling asleep, at the start of this chapter include like one line only about the fact that Zoltar is asleep. Not how or when he fell asleep, just maybe a where. Like "Zoltar fell asleep with the others [here]." and then one line of transition into this dream so it doesn't come out of nowhere. Like "it was hard for him to get comfortable and he slept fitfully."
Only I'm sure you can make it prettier than that :P But the goal is simple. You want the focus of the chapter to be the dream, not what leads up to the dream.

The blizzard howled, tugging at Zoltar’s wings like a pack of wild wolves as he fought to make his way towards the shadowy figure of the ice talon’s palace ahead. Digging his sharp claws into the hard icy ground he slowly inched forward, squeezing his eyes shut to block out the jagged shards of snow spiking through the air.

I think you get a touch overboard with descriptions here.
"The blizzard howled, tugging at Zoltar's wings as he fought to make his way towards the ice talon's palace ahead. Digging his sharp claws into the hard, icy ground, he slowly inched forward, squeezing his eyes shut to block out the torrential snow."
Basically the same as yours except I took out a few of the descriptions. To me, you achieve the same effect and you get the same information across, but it's less distracting. There's so much going on with those descriptions and there's so much to think about you can kind of get lost in that and forget about the big picture.

“But you were banished … you hate the queen. Why are you doing this?” Zoltar pleaded, his head wirling. ‘She’d been banished from the Ice Kingdom and had sworn revenge against the queen. Why was she defending the queen now?’

You repeated the same information we learned in the dialogue in his thoughts. If you want to get into his thoughts here (which isn't a bad idea) describe. "Zoltar couldn't figure out why she was against him/why she was so angry" or something like that.

“I thought you were my friend,” Zoltar hissed angrily, raising his barbed tail, ready to strike her down, “I let you in and then you just strike me down at my weakest point. I thought you were different,” Zoltar glared at Felistia, pain burning in his amethyst eyes and like the faint whisper of a frozen lake he hissed, “but I guess you are just like any other dragon that’s ever hurt me. I should have known better.”

This is a touch melodramatic. How did he let her in? How is this is weakest point? When did he think she was different? And how is she like any other dragon that's hurt him? Who else has hurt him?
And didn't he do the same to her? She let him in. She trusted him. And then he turned around, went behind her back and stole from her people. She has every reason to be angry. I know this is only a dream, but it goes back to a point I made in a previous chapter about not always understanding his thought processes. Why does this mission have to be a big secret? If he knows that she is against the queen, wouldn't he reason that she might be on board with doing something against the queen? Therefore, why wouldn't he tell her an enlist her help? She'll know more about how to get this thing than he will.

“Things change. I told you that I wasn’t to be trusted and this is what you get for being so naïve. I mean seriously! Wisp talons and shadow talons living together? What world are you living in?” Felistia barked, tripping Zoltar with her tail.

When did she ever tell him she couldn't be trusted? And you said "wisp talons" here. Don't you mean ice talons?


I liked this dream. It was interesting and exciting and now I'm most excited to discover what Zoltar is going to do now after waking up from this dream. I'm really curious to see if it's going to inform his decision making at all. (I hope it does!)

As always, let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing, and I'll see you soon! :D




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Sun Jan 10, 2016 9:17 am
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FeatherPen wrote a review...



I'm jumping straight in this time.

Reading this chapter straight from the last and seeing it in italics signalled it was a dream but when I read it last night I hadn’t realised. It would be cool if you put in a dreamier feel. Or something that makes Zoltar feel confused, like noting the disappearance of the other two. Mistiness form the snow would also add to that feel. Essentially just something out of place to notify the reader that they might not be in reality. So that they can have the satisfaction of going I knew it! But don’t make it too obvious.

I would concur with ladybug about the fact that it would be good to feel more emotion from Zoltar. I also noticed the disappearance of the other two.


“Zoltar pleaded confused as to what Felistia was doing.” His thoughts and words convey this already and I think you could use this place for something more emotive like describing his expression or boddy language. Or saying “his thoughts whirled” or words to that affect.

Other than those things, it is fantastic as always.

It just occurred to me that the dragons are reptiles so I was thinking maybe the non-Ice-dragons react to the cooler climate? By getting sleepy or something.

Dreams are great to add to the story as it is truly letting us see inside Zoltar’s head. I’m excited to see what happens when he wakes up.




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Fri Jan 08, 2016 11:52 pm
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HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Random comment before I start my review: when I first saw your description of the chapter, my mind immediately said, "WHAT?! BETRAYAL?! Who did it?! How could they?" Now I am here. :)


~Nit-Picks~

“How could you Felistia. I trusted you and this is how you repay me.

Wisp talons and shadow talons living together.

On each sentence you have up here, you've forgotten the question mark.

“I thought you were me friend,” Zoltar hissed angrily, raising his barbed tail, ready to strike her down.

I think you mean 'my' instead of 'me'.


~Other Bits~

Throughout your whole chapter, one specific thing stood out for me: where are Emerald and Shiraku? They were sleeping by the end of the last chapter, but now they're someplace else and I have no clue what happened to them. If that is something that you plan on mentioning in the following chapter, ignore this bit.
However, if it isn't do not. What I could see happening in a situation with Shiraku and Emerald is them protesting when Felistia (or you........ Ok, this could get confusing for me......) first attacks Zoltar. They then go and try to help him or rush to his aid, but are immediately attacked by her, getting knocked down. They protest when she mocks Zoltar's goals and the fighting and resumes as normal, while still acknowledging their existence.
Or something like that. Of course, from where I stand, it looks like you've got future plans for what will happen by means of Shiraku and Emerald, so I've probably uselessly typed that. Meh. Oh well. :)

Also, I'm getting emotion from Zoltar, but not enough. He's your main character, so you should be including a lot of emotion from him, but I seem to be getting quite a bit more than Felistia. (Um, you? Ugh! I need to make up my mind!) Of course, anger, hatred, etc. (basically how she feels) is really easy to show on a different character, but sometimes easier to show overall with third person. To have Zoltar show more emotion, try including thought.
For instance, here: '“But you were banished … you hate the queen. Why are you doing this?” Zoltar pleaded, his eyes darting towards Felistia’s lashing tail.' you could have Zoltar look back at what she has said about her past and show maybe some confusion. If someone close to you betrayed you like this, wouldn't you feel confused? Maybe a bit wondering? I'm getting the impression that if Zoltar could, he would change her back to hating her queen, making her all for the plan.
Spoiler! :
Have you ever watched Big Hero 6? If you have not, this probably wouldn't make much sense to you. If you have, good for you! This means that I can use it as a wonderful example!
When I think of the whole 'betrayal thing', I'm reminded of the point in the movie where Hiro finds out that Professor Callahan killed his brother.
It's an excellent example of what happens when a main character discovers a huge betrayal (even though he was on the list of 'who is the strange man'). I'm remembering how he went from confused to disbelief to anger to I-really-want-to-kill-him. While I don't think that Zoltar would react exactly like that, it's sill a really great example of emotion and feeling.

Of course, reaction to betrayal can depend on what your character is like or how massive the betrayal is.
Spoiler! :
Don't read below unless you have not read Wings of Fire: A Dark Secret or all of the Hunger Games Books or have not seen Mulan.
When Starflight realized what the Night Wings are doing, he reacted differently than how Katniss did when she found out what Peeta did (keep in mind that I haven't read those books for a while) or how the captain of the army (why do I keep forgetting his name?!) found out that Ping was Mulan.

Here: 'How could you Felistia. I trusted you and this is how you repay me. I could have left you on that island to be killed, but I didn’t,” Zoltar cried, ducking Felistia’s violent swipes.
“Things change. I told you that I wasn’t to be trusted and this is what you get for being so naïve. I mean seriously! Wisp talons and shadow talons living together. What world are you living in?” Felistia barked, tripping Zoltar with her tail.'
is also a good spot to add emotion. I've practically given you the whole rant about the betrayal before hand, so you probably get the point. But still, this would be a good place to insert some anger and more disbelief. Yet again, questions and thoughts could work wonders. :)


~The Good Bits~

During reviews, I usually try to outweigh the improvement stuff with the good stuff, but I went on a rant earlier, so that looks impossible. ;) Ah, I guess I'm going to have to trey. :)
(Shrill voice) Ppppplllllllooooooooottttttttt tttttwwwwwwwiiiiiiiiisssssttttttttt! Thumbs up to you for keeping your novel interesting. :) What's great is that you've added more character development (yay!) for Felistia (....You? Urgh!). You've described the action scenes really clearly with the usual felistia-description (I mean YOU this time!) for us all. :) It's as good as ever, so I've got no problems at all for that.
What's also nice is how the whole betrayal is realistic on F--er--your character. (Insert the WHY here) all makes sense for her. I'm surprised I didn't see this one coming, but I guess I was completely blank on that one. :)


Yet again, another wonderful chapter, not to mention the marvelous plot-twist. I'm eager to find out what else you will bring to the table. :D
Never stop writing!
~Holographic Ladybug :)




felistia says...


Hi. Just wanted to say thank you for the review and SPOILER
this is actually a dream.





AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (dies)




Knowledge is power.
— Francis Bacon