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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Quest for Fire Book Two ~ To the Ice Kingdom Chapter 6

by felistia


The Highlang was getting closer and closer. Zoltar could smell its rotten breath and see its sparkling fangs through the tangled branches.

‘I’m just going to have to make a break for it,’ Zoltar thought, looking above him with wild eyes. If he gave enough power, he might just be able to break through the layer of branches above him and launch into the air, before the Highlang could find him.

‘I guess it’s worth a try. What other choice do I have?’ Zoltar crouched, bracing himself for the impact.

With a burst of energy, Zoltar erupted out of the tangled boughs, sending bits of bark and wood flying as he hurled himself into the air.

The Highlang sprang back with a hiss of alarm as a shower of debris rained down onto it. When it realized that Zoltar had escaped and was hurriedly racing away it let out a roar of fury, spraying a stream of green venom in the direction in which Zoltar had fled.

‘Shiraku and the others had better hurry up. I can’t keep this up for much longer,’ Zoltar thought, panting as he raced through the swamp.

Suddenly a flash of brilliant blue light lit up the marsh, illuminating the mud pools in a vivid glow. Zoltar was temporarily blinded as the flare hit him full in the snout. He struggled to stay aloft as his vision swam, flapping his wings in large arcs to prevent himself from falling into the mud below.

After a few seconds his vison cleared and Zoltar spun in the direction of his friends, his wings beating the pungent air.

Without warning the alpha Highlang lunged out of the swamp in front of him, its jaws stretched wide in a fearsome roar of anger. Saliva streaked with green venom dripped from its fangs as it dove towards Zoltar.

For a moment, time seemed to stand still as Zoltar shirked to the left, his tail barb lightly bouncing off the Highlang's hard neck scales, missing the lizard’s mouth by millimetres.

Breathing a quick sigh of relief, Zoltar burst through a clump of trees and catapulted into Emerald. The wisp talon let out a yell of surprise and her scales exploded into a rainbow of reds and yellows. Then she saw that it was Zoltar and her face light up with joy.

“Thank heavens you’re alive,” she exclaimed, hugging Zoltar with all her might.

“Zoltar!” Felistia and Shiraku cried, rush across the sand flat towards him, their wings spread.

“No time to talk, get into the air! Quick!” Zoltar shouted, tugging Emerald into the air with him.

The swamp trembled around Zoltar as a mighty roar shook the frail leaves from the black trees. Ripples streaked across the pools of dark mud and the sound of advancing splashes filled the sulphurous air around the group of dragons.

"Hurry up,” Zoltar urged, hovering next to Emerald in the air as he grasping desperately for the others.

The Highlang were getting closer and it wasn’t just one. The alpha must have collected his females and was now coming back for a bloody revenge.

Felistia leapt into the air, beating her great silver wings as she struggled to gain height after such a short run for take-off.

“Move it Shiraku!” Zoltar roared, urgency ringing in his voice as he watched Shiraku dive for the air, but her wings were too small.

“I need a longer place to take-off. I can’t get into the air here!” Shiraku cried, her deep blue eyes wide with immense fear.

“Grab my paw,” Zoltar yelled, shoot a quick glance in the direction of the splashes. The Highlang were closing fast.

“Ours too,” Felistia and Emerald both reached for Shiraku, who seized their paws and held on with all her might as Zoltar, Felistia and Emerald slowly hauled her upwards.

Suddenly the alpha Highlang exploded onto the sand bank, closely followed be ten other Highlang. With rage blazing in its pure black eyes, the alpha lunged at Shiraku’s dangling tail.

Shiraku whipped her tail up and tightened her grasp onto Zoltar’s paw. A few seconds later when she was ten feet above the ground, she let go of the others paws, flapping her wings in large arcs as to gain height.

The Highlang seeing that their prey was getting away let out a thundering roar of fury, spraying green venom at the four dragons, but they were out of rang and were soon out of the Highlangs' sight.


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Wed Mar 30, 2016 2:03 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! I hope you enjoy all of the notifications you're going to get when you get back from your trip :P

‘I’m just going to have to make a break for it,’ Zoltar thought, looking above him with wild eyes. If he gave enough power, he might just be able to break through the layer of branches above him and launch into the air, before the Highlang could find him.

What's still really baffling me is that they chose to land at all. They had a plan when they were in the air, and they obviously have an advantage in the air. I know exciting plot things have to happen, but I don't understand the logic of your characters.
The other thing I don't understand here is that so far Zoltar has been pretty good about thinking of others before he acts. He's a pretty good leader. But here, he's not thinking of the others at all. A threat is coming, and he has a plan of what he's going to do, but he isn't thinking about the others and their safety. Is he so overcome with flight or fight that he forgot about them? Is he confident they'll follow his lead or they'll be able to get away without his direction?

‘Shiraku and the others had better hurry up. I can’t keep this up for much longer,’ Zoltar thought, panting as he raced through the swamp.

He wants them to hurry up and do what? He didn't tell them what to do, and there isn't a plan for this situation. Is he expecting them to follow? Is this all part of their larger plan to get one of the scales? If so, outline that a little more clearly when they're talking about their plan in the air.
"I can't keep this up for much longer" - what is "this"? What is he keeping up? He's just flying, right? Is he also dodging and trying to deflect the Highlang away from the others?

Suddenly a flash of brilliant blue light lit up the marsh, illuminating the mud pools in a vivid glow. Zoltar was temporarily blinded as the flare hit him full in the snout. He struggled to stay aloft as his vision swam, flapping his wings in large arcs to prevent himself from falling into the mud below.

After a few seconds his vison cleared and Zoltar spun in the direction of his friends, his wings beating the pungent air.

What did this flash of light come from? And then once his vision clears, how does he know where his friends are?
This could be a good place to add in more of Zoltar's inner monologue and how he's reacting to all of this and what's going through his mind. And like I've mentioned in previous chapters, this can be in a describing way rather than a stating the thoughts way.


Hmm, exciting chapter and exciting little battle. I'm curious to see how they're going to get this scale they need now. One thing I'm struggling with a bit, and I mentioned this earlier, is the decision making and logic of the characters (especially Zoltar because this is his story and he's in charge). I don't always understand why he makes the decisions he does and why he does the things he does and since he's the MC, I want to know those things. I want to feel like I understand him. I think we're deep enough in this now that I should understand him. His characterization has definitely solidified as we've progressed and I feel like I know him better now than I did at the start, but some of his choices still kind of confuse me. I think more internal monologue and more processing would help. I've mentioned this in previous chapters, so I won't go into it again here, but this could be done through description and not with specific italicized thoughts. I just want in Zoltar's head more.

Let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing, and I'll see you soon! :D




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Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:33 pm
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writerkitty wrote a review...



Hey there Felistia, it's writer12345!!!

I'm really hooked into your story and now I can't stop reading it! I've read all the chapters up to now and they were all really amazing. You use everything precisely. Your descriptions, dialogue grammar and everything essential for a good story is present in every chapter. :D

Zoltar, Shiraku, Felitia and Emerald are a pretty good team. They're always helping each other, and that's pretty good. And still you managed to make them different unique characters. Shiraku's still a little hasty but I think she's acting more friendlier with Zoltar. And though there are four characters in the scene; you didn't neglect any of them for at least a second. And most writers tend to forget at least one character when they are describing situations filled with action. So I'm happy to tell that you're one great writer!

And that's about it for now.
Never stop writing and have a great day!!!!
writer12345




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Wed Dec 30, 2015 12:49 pm
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HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Hi again and happy review day! I'm back for yet another review! :D


~Nit Picks~

'I guess it’s worth a try. What other choice do I have,’ Zoltar crouched, bracing himself for the impact.

You're missing a question mark at the end of his thought.

his tail barb lightly bouncing off the Highlangs hard neck scales,

Highlangs should be possessive (Highlang's).

With rage blazing in its pure black eyes, alpha lunged at Shiraku’s dangling tail.

Do you mean the alpha?

but they were out of rang and were soon out of the Highlangs sight.

Highlangs should be possessive again. (I'm assuming you mean them all so it should be Highlangs')


~Other Bits~

"No time to talk, get into the air! Quick!” Zoltar shouted, tugging Emerald into the air with him.

The swamp trembled around Zoltar as a mighty roar shook the frail leaves from the black trees. Ripples streaked across the pools of dark mud and the sound of advancing splashes filled the sulphurous air around the group of dragons.

“Quick into the air before the Highlang gets here,” Zoltar urged, hovering next to Emerald in the air as he grasping desperately for the others.

Zoltar has already told them to get into the air once, so saying it a second time is a bit repetitive and unneeded. What you could do to fix this is to use the first bit of dialogue ("No time to talk, get into the air! Quick) and put it with the second tag ( Zoltar urged, hovering next to Emerald in the air as he grasping desperately for the others.). What you could also do is just remove one and stick with the other. I would definitely recommend my first suggestion because the second tag is way more descriptive and explains location better (if that makes sense).
Spoiler! :
I'm probably going to confuse both of us if I explain it, so I'll just put down what it would probably look like:
“Zoltar!” Felistia and Shiraku cried, rush across the sand flat towards him, their wings spread.

“No time to talk, get into the air! Quick!” Zoltar urged, hovering next to Emerald in the air as he grasping desperately for the others.

The swamp trembled around Zoltar as a mighty roar shook the frail leaves from the black trees. Ripples streaked across the pools of dark mud and the sound of advancing splashes filled the sulphurous air around the group of dragons.

The Highlang were getting closer and it wasn’t just one. The alpha must have collected his females and was now coming back for a bloody revenge.


~Better Bits~
The great thing about this chapter is that you never let go of the intensity, even in the small moments after they were escaping the Highlangs. I've seen so many authors just drop it that it becomes somewhat of a distraction. You've left us with a bit of a cliff-hanger, which is nice. Did they get the scale? From here it looks like they didn't, but you never know. This is such a great chapter also because you never throw the action away for even a second (again, I've seen people do that and I end up forgetting that something exciting is happening) and you're not afraid to slow down a bit (I've got a bit of trouble with it, as you've probably noticed). Overall, this was amazing and I'm excited for the next chapter. :)

Stay Awesome! :D
~Holographic Ladybug ;)





Love is not an emotion. Love is a promise.
— 12th Doctor