z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Quest for Fire Book one ~ Into the Mists Chapter 5

by felistia


Zoltar stood there parallelized, picturing the figure as the Exltron with it's burning red eyes. Adrenalin raced through his veins as his body told him to run on instinct. He forced himself not to though. This wasn't the Exltron and he didn't want to embarrass Hisster more than he had.

“Greetings, your greatness,” Hisster said in an oily voice, gracefully bowing with his ebony wings spread, “We have come here to humbly ask for your help.”

'Right,' Zoltar thought sarcastically as he rolled his eyes. Did Hisster really think that these dragons where going to buy this whole humble act he was putting on?

The figure in the corner stepped into the dim light. Zoltar let out a quiet gasp. It was a Howler Dragon, but not like the ones he’d seen. Everything on this beast of a dragon seemed to be more robust than the other howler dragons. Muscles rippled under its obsidian scales as the dragon walked. Its frill was like a great shining crown and each of its paws had six glinting, silver talons unlike the normal five.

The Howler Dragon glared at Zoltar, his gleaming eyes narrowing to menacing slits and growled in a deep rasping voice, “I am Krakatoa, leader of the Howler Dragons. Why do you not bow?”

Realizing his mistake with a jolt of fear, Zoltar extended his wings and awkwardly bowed. His wings felt like they were sticking out the wrong way and he was worried his talons weren’t crossed over each other properly. He heard a disappointed sigh come from Hisster’s direction.

“What is it that you need from us, Shadow Talon?” Krakatoa asked in a menacing tone as he shifted his steel gaze towards Hisster.

“We need you to kill an Exltron for us, your majesty. I've heard that you used to kill these beast in the past,” Hisster replied in a cool voice, but Zoltar could see that even he looked nervous.

“Mmm that we did, but it was always for a high price. That has not changed Shadow Talon. What will you pay us in return for the favor?” Krakatoa advanced slowly forwards, never lifting his burning eyes away from Hisster's.

“We have treasure, lots of it,” Hisster answered in a slightly more panicked tone. He took a step back from the mountain of black that stood in front of him.

"Treasure!" the Howler Dragon spat, throwing back his head and barking a loud laugh. "I don't want simple treasure, I want something of more value to me," Krakatoa growled as he stepped into the shadows once more. He picked up some sort of tablet from behind his throne.

"I want the long lost Ruby of Fire," he demanded, eyeing the slightly panicked look that came across Hisster's face, "So if you want us to kill this Exltron for you...you must bring us the Ruby of Fire," Krakatoa hissed, his forked tongue slithering out from between his fangs, "It's up to you. I will except no other payment." 

Right now Hisster seemed to have completely lost his cool, calm attitude towards the situation. He'd thought a simple bunch of gold and silver would persuaded the Howler Dragons. 

"Okay. Okay. I'll get the Ruby. Just promise you'll get rid of the Exltron," he burst out finally. 

Krakatoa smiled a wicked smile and pushed a stone block with words carved onto it into Hisster's paws, “Very well then. Give these things to the Riconra in the Peaks of Solitude. They will give you the ruby, but only for these things. If you try and cheat them out of it...well..." He paused as if savoring the words in his mouth, "they’ll destroy you and your clan, so don't try anything."

“Yes sir,” Hisster nodding, his eyes darting towards the exit. Small beads of sweat were starting to break out from between his scales and his breathing seemed to have gotten louder.

Zoltar dipped his head as a small smile crept across his snout. It was so satisfactory to see Hisster being bossed around by a dragon bigger than him, something he hardly ever saw happen to the obnoxious dragon.

‘This might make you think a bit more about the little dragons in your life,’ Zoltar thought in a content way.

“Come, let’s go Zoltar,” Hisster urged, trying to not look like he was in a hurry to get away. He pushed passed all the Howler Dragons crowding round the entrance.

Zoltar turned and slowly ambled after Hisster, almost trying to slow him down on purpose. After a few steps Zoltar became aware of Krakatoa watching him go and picked up the pace a little.

"Shadow Talon."

Zoltar flinched and looked back at Krakatoa, his burning eyes were locked on Zoltar.

"Make sure that other Shadow Talon brings the Ruby of Fire to us before next autumn and trust me when I say that you don't want to be late."

Zoltar nodded and hurried after Hisster, his head pounding. How was Hisster going to find this Ruby in less than a year? There weren't many soldiers left and this quest sounded rather dangerous. Was Hisster going to come on the mission with the soldiers or was he just going to let them do the hard work. What had Krakatoa meant when he'd warned them not to be late? Zoltar was sure it hadn't been simply a friendly suggestion. Whatever it was he didn't want to find out.

When they finally reached the surface Hisster launched himself into the air without delay with Zoltar in tail. Clouds of ash and soot were whipped into the air as Zoltar flapped his wings, trying to gain height and keep up with Hisster.

Dark thunder clouds were rolling over the plains like the plumes of smoke streaming from the volcano in the shadow lands. Lightning flashed around Zoltar and Hisster as they sped home. Thunder boomed and torrents of icy rain battered their wings. Strong gusts of wind tried to hurl them out the sky. The ground below disappeared as Hisster and Zoltar soared higher into the clouds, struggling to get above the raging storm.

Eventually after an exhausting fight, Hisster and Zoltar broke through the top of the thunder storm. The sun was shining and the sky was blue as robin eggs. Below the clouds churned and growled like an angry sea.

“So what are you going to do about the ruby we have to find?” Zoltar asked, soaring closer to Hisster, hoping to get answers to all his burning questions.

“I will send a group of dragons to collect the things for me.”

“Who?” Zoltar questioned, enjoying the sun on his back. Maybe Hisster would send him and give him a chance to prove himself a worthy shadow talon.

“Not you, that’s for sure,” Hisster snapped suddenly, putting a sharp end to Zoltar's hopes. “I am still extremely cross with you for embarrassing me like that. Why didn’t you bow, for crying out loud? Krakatoa could have killed us right then and there for that. You are an embarrassment to me and the Shadow Talon tribe. "

Zoltar flinched at these words. It had been implied before, but never had Hisster actually said it to his face. Threatening tears stung the back of his eyes, but he forced them back. It would only make it worse.

Hisster turned his head away from Zoltar, smoke billowing from his snout, “You will have no part in this as far as you're concerned. You are too inexperienced. I will get the rest of the soldiers to get the ruby.”

Hisster dipped back below the now still clouds and left Zoltar alone and humiliated.


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383 Reviews


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 12:21 pm
Sujana wrote a review...



Well, I guess that ends my hopes for Hisster being anything bigger than a bully character for now. Though I still stand on what I said in the last chapter.

Before I enter some of the things I had gripes with, let's talk abut these highlights thingies I keep pointing out.

“Greetings, your greatness,” Hisster hissed in an oily voice


This isn't important in any way, I just found the phrase "Hisster hissed" very funny. I can't take this guy's name seriously, I'm sorry.

“So what are you going to do about the ruby we have to find,”


End this on a question mark, since it is a question.

You will have no part in this as far as your concerned.


You're, not your.

Now, let's talk about show, don't tell again. Yeah, yeah, you're sick to death of this already, but I have gripes with how you introduced the Ruby into the mix. Firstly, Beerkon talks about it like it's a debt of three dollars that's not even overdue, which is obviously not as grave as it actually is. Secondly, it opens up a lot of plot holes--some of which you may or may not address later on in the next chapters, I don't know.

a) If it's the source of power for the howler dragons and it's been gone for a long time, why are the howler dragons considered so powerful? Shouldn't they be, I don't know, dead if it was that important?

and b) If they already have everything the Riconra wants, why do they send a Shadow Talon they don't even trust to take their most important artifact? Why couldn't they just do it themselves?

I don't know, maybe later on I'll find out that it was all a ruse and the Riconra actually wants shadow talons, so the howler dragons sent two unsuspecting shadow talons to get eaten alive in order to get back their artifact. In any case, I smell trickery, and I'm surprised neither of the shadow talons smell trickery too.

That's all I have for you now. Until the next chapter,

Signing out,

--EM.




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. As for the two plot holes these will get explained much later on. As for Hisster's character personality, I see what you're getting at, but I meant for it to be this way. You're supposed to hate that character at the moment. I'm going to explain his background and the reason for him being this way much later.
Thanks again.



Sujana says...


Thanks for the reply. Sorry if I'm a bit crass about his character now, I hope I get to see what you mean later on.



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Sun Jun 26, 2016 1:02 am
RippleGylf wrote a review...



Hello, Ripple again!

Zoltar’s heart jumped into his throat for the second time that day. The figure’s eyes were like burning pools of red flame that gleamed in the darkness of the room, a raging fire that could swallow your soul and mind forever.

“Greetings, your greatness,” Hisster hissed in an oily voice, gracefully bowing with his ebony wings spread, “We have come here to humbly ask for your help.”

See, I feel like this would have been a much better ending to the previous chapter. You would have to rework the beginning of this chapter, of course, but I think you could make it work.
'Right,' Zoltar thought sarcastically as he rolled his eyes. He'd never seen Hisster do anything humble in his life. He was shifty as a snake and wasn't to be trusted, not that Zoltar thought the howler dragons were going to buy his act though.

This whole paragraph feels awkward. If Hisster is "as shifty as a snake," then obviously he isn't to be trusted. You don't need to reiterate it. The rest of that sentence just feels... off. I can't say that I truly understand what Zoltar is trying to get at here.
The howler dragon glared at Zoltar, his gleaming eyes narrowing to menacing slits and growled in a deep rasping voice, “I am Beerkon, leader of the howler dragons. Why do you not bow?”

I really like this intro, but Beerkon's name doesn't fit his character. In general, all of the names seem off, aside from Scorpus. Beerkon sounds like a cross between beer and bacon, which isn't really intimidating. Hisster seems to be a combination of hiss and... hipster? (That was the first thing that came to mind.) Neither seems to agree with the character of its owner. I may just be missing some deeper meaning of the names due to the fact that I haven't read Wings of Fire yet, but I don't know.
"I want the long lost Ruby of Fire. It was stolen from us years ago by the Riconra and it is our source of power, so if you want us to kill this Exltron for you, you must bring us the Ruby of Fire," he demanded pushing a stone block with words carved onto it into Hisster's paws, “Give these things to the Riconra in the Peaks of Solitude. They will give you the ruby, but only for these things. If you try and cheat them out of it...well..." He paused as if savoring the words in his mouth, "they’ll destroy you and your clan, so don't try anything."

This reminded me a lot of the quest givers in MMORPGs. While the tone makes sense in this context, it doesn't feel right. Beerkon rushes to the conclusion that simply by showing up, they've already agreed to go find it. It doesn't make sense.
Zoltar nodded and hurried after Hisster, his head pounding. How was Hisster going to find this Ruby in less than a year? There weren't many soldiers left and this quest sounded rather dangerous. Was Hisster going to come on the mission with the soldiers or was he just going to let them do the hard work. Another thought was bothering him. One far more threatening that the task ahead. What had Beerkon meant when he'd warned them not to be late? Zoltar was sure it hadn't been simply a friendly suggestion. Whatever it was he didn't want to find out.

"Another thought was bothering him" could probably be taken out. If another thought is bothering him, show it bothering him, don't tell.
“Not you, that’s for sure,” Hisster snapped suddenly, putting a sharp end to Zoltar's hopes. “I am still extremely cross with you for embarrassing me like that. Why didn’t you bow, for crying out loud? Beerkon could have killed us right then and there for that."

While it obviously was a high-stress situation, I think the reader doesn't really grasp the emotional impact of it, and so this line doesn't have as much of an impact.
Hisster dipped back below the now still clouds and left Zoltar alone and humiliated.

Again, it doesn't have the emotional impact that it should. If the tone had been harsher before, this sentence would have more of an impact.

Keep writing! You're doing great! (I know I sound really nitpicky, but it really is good.) :)




felistia says...


Thanks for all your reviews. After review I'll go back and fix them. I have just one little favor to ask. Could you also say at the end of your reviews what you liked about me story please. :D
Thanks again. :D



RippleGylf says...


Oh, no problem! Sorry, I'm still getting used to writing reviews.



felistia says...


It's okay. I really appreciate your reviews. It was just a quick tip. :D



felistia says...


It's okay. I really appreciate your reviews. It was just a quick tip. :D




You'd better wise up, Pony... you get tough like me and you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothing can touch you, man.
— Dallas Winston, The Outsiders