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Young Writers Society



Quest for Fire ~ Chapter 5 ~ Krakatoa

by felistia


Zoltar stood there parallelized, picturing the figure as the Exltron with it's burning red eyes. He hadn't known Howler Dragons got this big. Adrenalin raced through his veins as his body told him to run on instinct. He forced himself not to though. This wasn't the Exltron and he didn't want to embarrass Hisster more than he had.

“Greetings, your greatness,” Hisster said in an oily voice, gracefully bowing with his ebony wings spread, “We have come here to humbly ask for your help.”

'Right,' Zoltar thought sarcastically as he rolled his eyes. 'Does Hisster really think these dragons are going to buy this whole act he is putting on? Surly they can see right through him.'

The figure in the corner stepped into the dim light. Zoltar let out a quiet gasp. It was a Howler Dragon, but not like the ones he’d seen. Everything on this beast of a dragon seemed to be more robust than the other Howler Dragons. Muscles rippled under its obsidian scales as the dragon walked. Its frill was like a great shining crown and each of its paws had six glinting, silver talons unlike the normal five.

The Howler Dragon glared at Zoltar, his gleaming eyes narrowing to menacing slits and growled in a deep rasping voice, “I am Krakatoa, leader of the Howler Dragons. Why do you not bow?”

Realizing his mistake with a jolt of fear, Zoltar extended his wings and awkwardly bowed. His wings felt like they were sticking out the wrong way and he was worried his talons weren’t crossed over each other properly. He heard a disappointed sigh come from Hisster’s direction.

“What is it that you need from us, Shadow Talon?” Krakatoa asked in a menacing tone as he shifted his steel gaze towards Hisster, "Dragons from other tribes don't cross onto our land without good reason."

“We need your assistance in a takeover, your majesty. The Wisp Talon tribe. We wish to take over their island, but don’t have the dragons needed. I've heard that you provided these services in the past against the Lightning Talons,” Hisster replied in a cool voice, but Zoltar could see that even he looked nervous from his tail’s cat like twitch.

“Mmm that we did, but it was for a high price. That has not changed Shadow Talon. What will you pay us in return for the favor?” Krakatoa advanced slowly forwards, never lifting his burning eyes away from Hisster's.

“We have treasure, lots of it,” Hisster answered in a slightly more panicked tone. He took a step back from the mountain of black that stood in front of him.

"Treasure!" the Howler Dragon spat, throwing back his head and barking a loud laugh. "I don't want simple treasure, I want something of more value to me," Krakatoa growled as he stepped into the shadows once more. He picked up some sort of tablet from behind his throne.

"I want the long lost Ruby of Fire," he demanded, eyeing the slightly panicked look that came across Hisster's face, "It is our source of power. So if you want us to kill these Wisp Talons for you...you must bring us the Ruby of Fire," Krakatoa hissed, his forked tongue slithering out from between his fangs, "It's up to you. I will accept no other payment."

"Okay. Okay. I'll get the Ruby. Just promise you'll get rid of the Wisp Talons," he burst out finally.

Krakatoa smiled a wicked smile and pushed a stone block with words carved onto it into Hisster's paws, “Excellent. Give the things listed on this tablet to the Riconra in the Peaks of Solitude. They will give you the ruby, but only for these things. If you try and cheat them out of it...well..." He paused as if savoring the words in his mouth, "they’ll destroy you and your clan…so don't try anything."

“Yes sir,” Hisster nodding, his eyes darting towards the exit. Small beads of sweat were starting to break out from between his scales and his breathing seemed to have gotten louder.

Zoltar dipped his head as a small smile crept across his snout. It was kind of funny to see how Hisster was being pushed around like little puppet by these dragons.

“Come, let’s go Zoltar,” Hisster urged, trying to not look like he was in a hurry to get away. He pushed past all the Howler Dragons crowding round the entrance.

Zoltar turned and slowly followed Hisster, trying not to bump into any of the already grumpy Howler Dragons. After a few steps Zoltar became aware of Krakatoa watching him go and picked up the pace a little.

"Shadow Talon."

Zoltar flinched and looked back at Krakatoa, his burning eyes locked on him.

"Make sure that other Shadow Talon brings the Ruby of Fire to us before next autumn and trust me when I say that you don't want to be late."

Zoltar nodded and hurried after Hisster, his head pounding. 'How was Hisster going to find this Ruby in less than a year? There weren't many soldiers left and this quest sounded rather dangerous. Was Hisster going to come on the mission with the soldiers or was he just going to let them do the hard work. What had Krakatoa meant when he'd warned them not to be late?' Zoltar was sure it hadn't been a friendly suggestion. Whatever it was he didn't want to find out. 

The one thing that bothered him most was the subject of the mission. What on earth was the Ruby of Fire? He'd never heard of it before in his life. Did it have some sort of magical properties and if so what implications did that pose?

When they finally reached the surface Hisster launched himself into the air without delay with Zoltar in tail. Clouds of ash and soot were whipped into the air as Zoltar flapped his wings, trying to gain height and keep up with Hisster.

Dark thunder clouds were rolling over the plains like the plumes of smoke streaming from the volcano in the Shadow Lands. Lightning flashed around Zoltar and Hisster as they sped home. Thunder boomed and torrents of icy rain battered their wings. Strong gusts of wind tried to hurl them out the sky. The ground below disappeared as Hisster and Zoltar soared higher into the clouds, struggling to get above the raging storm.

Eventually after an exhausting fight, Hisster and Zoltar broke through the top of the thunder storm. The sun was shining and the sky was blue as robin eggs. Below the clouds churned and growled like an angry sea.

“How are you going to fined the Ruby? One year seems an awfully short time to fined some mythical gemstone,” Zoltar said, soaring closer to Hisster, hoping to get answers to all his burning questions.

“I will send a group of dragons to collect the things and Ruby for me.”

“Who?” Zoltar questioned, enjoying the sun on his back. Maybe Hisster would send him and give him a chance to prove himself a worthy Shadow Talon and get revenge on the Wisp Talons who'd stolen Scorpus's life.

“Not you, that’s for sure,” Hisster snapped suddenly, putting a sharp end to Zoltar's hopes. “Firstly you are too young. Secondly, you are clumsy. The way you acted back there could have gotten both of us killed and finally you don't have acid fangs like the rest of us."

Zoltar flinched at these words. It had been implied before, but never had Hisster actually said it to his face. Threatening tears stung the back of his eyes, but he forced them back. It would only make it worse.

Hisster turned his head away from Zoltar, smoke billowing from his snout, “I’m sorry, but you’re too inexperienced. I will get the rest of the soldiers to get the ruby.”

Hisster dipped back below the now still clouds and left Zoltar alone and humiliated.


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Sun Feb 26, 2017 8:43 pm
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Featherstone wrote a review...



I'm back, with the standard nitpicks.

"Zoltar stood there parallelized, picturing the figure as the Exltron with it's burning red eyes." Paralyzed and its instead of it's.

"Adrenalin raced through his veins as his body told him to run on instinct." Adrenaline. Also, instead of saying 'his body told him to run on instinct,' perhaps something a bit less detached, like: '...instinct told him to run and he fought his body not to obey.'

'"Surly they can see right through him.'" Surely.

"“Mmm[.] [T]hat we did, but it was for a high price. That has not changed[,] Shadow Talon." See the brackets.

""Okay. Okay. I'll get the Ruby. Just promise you'll get rid of the Wisp Talons," he burst out finally." I don't realize there was a moment of silence before he said it until the end of the sentence. Perhaps move that bit of info to the beginning, like: 'There were several seconds of tense silence before he answered...'

"Did it have some sort of magical properties[,] and[,] if so[,] what implications did that pose?" Breaking it up with commas would make it flow more smoothly.

Sad ending :l. I hope our protagonist's life gets better- maybe he'll find a way to come?

-Feather




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Tue Feb 21, 2017 4:05 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! I have returned :D

Zoltar stood there parallelized, picturing the figure as the Exltron with it's burning red eyes.

The wording here is a little funny. He stood there paralyzed. Seeing this giant Howler Dragon he's remembering the Exltron, right? Maybe break it into two sentences would help with the clarity?

This wasn't the Exltron and he didn't want to embarrass Hisster more than he had.

I would love some more description around here to show how this Dragon looks similar to the Exltron and how it looks different from the Exltron so I can understand where his intense fear is really coming from while also knowing that he's not in any danger.

The figure in the corner stepped into the dim light.

This is the dragon he was super scared of right because it reminded him of the Exltron? I still think the description or the reveal should come sooner than now, otherwise I would show more of his thoughts before not to show him rationalizing why there isn't an Exltron hanging out in the corner and he actually isn't in any danger.

Hisster replied in a cool voice, but Zoltar could see that even he looked nervous from his tail’s cat like twitch.

This should be two sentences (start with Zoltar could see...) although you could make that part of the sentence stronger and more active. "Zoltar noticed his tail's cat like twitch, a sure sign he's nervous" or something like that "Zoltar could see" is passive because it's like we're seeing what he's seeing through a lens rather than seeing it as he's seeing it.

"I want the long lost Ruby of Fire," he demanded,

There it is! ;)

"It is our source of power. So if you want us to kill these Wisp Talons for you...you must bring us the Ruby of Fire,"

It's their source of power and yet they don't have it? Where is their power coming from now?

Zoltar dipped his head as a small smile crept across his snout. It was kind of funny to see how Hisster was being pushed around like little puppet by these dragons.

Besides feeling happy to see Hisster being pushed around, what else is going through his mind? Has he ever heard of this Ruby? What does he think of the mission and K's (not going to try to spell his name :p) request?

Hisster urged, trying to not look like he was in a hurry to get away.

What exactly does this look like?

After a few steps Zoltar became aware of Krakatoa watching him go

How does he become aware of this? Does he see him out of the corner of his eye? Does he feel the gaze?

The one thing that bothered him most was the subject of the mission. What on earth was the Ruby of Fire? He'd never heard of it before in his life. Did it have some sort of magical properties and if so what implications did that pose?

Great! Put this up a little earlier when I was looking for more of Zoltar's thoughts about the mission and then add more to it :)

The ground below disappeared as Hisster and Zoltar soared higher into the clouds, struggling to get above the raging storm.

Eventually after an exhausting fight,

I feel like we're missing some details in between these two paragraphs. Do they say anything to each other as they try to get through the storm? What's going through Zoltar's head?

“How are you going to fined the Ruby? One year seems an awfully short time to fined some mythical gemstone,” Zoltar said, soaring closer to Hisster, hoping to get answers to all his burning questions.

I like this dialogue between the two of them. Is it worth Zoltar asking what the Ruby is or what the significance of the Ruby is before he talks about the mission? Or is he trying to seem smart in from of the boss?

The way you acted back there could have gotten both of us killed and finally you don't have acid fangs like the rest of us."

I'm rolling my eyes. (Not at you but at Hisster because he's so unreasonable :p)
How could Zoltar's actions have killed them? He didn't do anything... And again with not including him because of the fangs. Did he not learn about Rudolph??? :P

Zoltar flinched at these words. It had been implied before, but never had Hisster actually said it to his face. Threatening tears stung the back of his eyes, but he forced them back. It would only make it worse.

You know what I'm going to say right? Say it with me - more thoughts :P How does he feel? What's going through his mind? What is his thought process here? Does he agree with Hisster? Does he want to try to prove Hisster wrong? What's his plan?


Overall, another fine chapter. The only thing that I think could be added in is something we've already talked plenty about before - my dear friend thoughts :) I also think there are places that you could add more description to help me feel like I'm a part of the scene and there with the characters. Description is one of your strong suits, so use it. Really slow the scenes down and show me every detail and every moment and nuance. You'll probably feel like you're doing too much, but that's fine! It's way better to do too much and have to cut down later, than try to beef it up later. (And chances are, you won't do too much). :)

I'm pretty confident Zoltar is going to be part of this mission so I'm very excited to see how he gets involved! I'll see you soon, and in the meantime, let me know if you have any questions/if you want feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




felistia says...


Thank you so much for such an in depth review. It's great to see you again.

I'll get to editing as soon as I can. I'm trying to complete the story this time around (I keep getting distracted with all the reviews and editing I have to do), so it might be a while before I get around to edit the chapters. :D



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Sun Feb 05, 2017 12:56 am
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hello felistia! Back again.

So here is where the quest is introduced, from what I read in chapter 18 or something, haha. I'm very curious as to what the Ruby of Fire is (wasn't that the name of one of your other books?) so I'm ready to read on already.

In this chapter in particular I felt as if the dialogue was a *bit* lacking.

“I will send a group of dragons to collect the things for me."


When Hisster says this, I'm not sure if he means the gemstone or supplies to get the gemstone. Too much information in dialogue makes it just feel like an "information feeder" to the reader, which isn't what you want, but simply making it a bit more clear would be helpful.

There's this one, too:

“Not you, that’s for sure,” Hisster snapped suddenly, putting a sharp end to Zoltar's hopes. “Firstly you are too young. Secondly, you are clumsy. The way you acted back there could have gotten both of us killed and finally you don't have acid fangs like all other Shadow Talons."


It just felt so... awkward. Maybe rephrasing the second part (where it starts with 'firstly') would make it flow smoother. It doesn't really read like that's how someone would say something like that. I think breaking apart the last sentence would sound more realistic to the ear (eye? read realistic to the eye? I don't know).

"The way you acted back there could have gotten both of us killed. And finally, you don't have acid fangs like all other Shadow Talonsthe rest of us."

Something like that, for example, may seem better (the "Shadow Talon" part feels like too much information and I don't think the readers need to be reminded of them in that instance).

I loved how we got to meet the leader of the Howler Dragons in this chapter (and, as always, I loved the description of him). I also feel a bit bad for Zoltar; he needs some friends or something! I wonder if he'll get the mission, or maybe embark out on his own without permission ;)

Hope this helps! Keep writing.

~EternalRain




felistia says...


Thank you so much for another review. I'm glad you're enjoying it so far.
Ruby of Fire is (wasn't that the name of one of your other books?) Yes that was part of the original name (search for the ruby of fire) of this book series, but it got to long and sounded tacky, so I changed it to Quest for Fire. This is the same original series, but it's gone through a lot of editing and has had a plot update to make it more interesting.

Thanks so much again for the review. I'll get to editing as soon as possible. I do hope you'll keep reading. :D



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Mea wrote a review...



And back again.

And now the real plot starts, I presume, and it sounds like an interesting one. I was a little confused at first because I didn't realize that Krakatoa was handing Hisster a list of objects, not the objects themselves. I'm also kind of curious about the dynamics between these dragons and the Shadow Talons - Hisster is so deferential to them, when in the previous chapters it felt like Zoltar thought of them as lesser. So I guess it is just for show, but I want to know more about their history - do they have boarders between them? Are they historically rivals or have they just not had a lot of contact? Also, I'm not sure why Hisster is so sure they'll destroy the Wisp Talons - do they have some special powers, or is it just that they have way more fighters than the Shadow Talons?

putting a sharp end to Zoltar's hopes.

I honestly hadn't expected Zoltar to want to go. My guess is he wants to go to prove himself, but I don't know, I'm not quite getting that gist from him, I think because of the way you've sort of portrayed him as both wanting approval and that he thinks he's a coward.

'Right,' Zoltar thought sarcastically as he rolled his eyes. 'Did Hisster really think that these dragons where going to buy this whole act he was putting on? Surly they could see right through him.'

Small note - direct thoughts are like dialogue in that they would be in the present tense. You wouldn't think to yourself 'surely they could see right through me' while it's happening. You'd think "surely they can see..."

The way you acted back there could have gotten both of us killed and finally you just aren’t like the other Shadow Talons with your… you know."

I'd completely forgotten about that 'defect,' since it was pretty much mentioned only once in chapter one. But now that I remember that he was born without fangs, wouldn't it be more logical for Hisster to exclude him on the basis of him not being able to fight well without the fangs? It just seems silly for him to be as vague as "you just aren't like the others," when there's a clear reason his 'defect' would make him not as useful on the mission. Plus, it doesn't really seem in character for Hisstar to be so sensitive.

Right now, I think this would benefit from slowing down a little and allowing yourself to work in some background and cultural stuff while the plot and action is happening. Right now, the dragons in terms of their culture feel very much like a blank slate - despite the lovely descriptions, the world doesn't come alive to me because the history and culture of the people living on it are honestly more important than the scenery. What are the legends of this Ruby and what is Zoltar's reaction? How does he know the Ruby is mythical? Where has he heard of it before?

I think the end of the chapter worked really well, with Hisster being so cutting and Zoltar's disappointment.

And that's all I've got today!




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. I'll apply the tips and comments as soon as possible.

On the subject of the Howler Dragons being more powerful then the Shadow Talons and killing the Wisp Talons, I include a lot more of this information through the story. It's kind of a sub story to go along with the main one, but it gets introduced later on.

I completely understand the whole cultural idea and how I need to add more into the story. When I edit the story again, I'll be sure to go ahead and include more details on the Shadow Talons everyday lives.

P.S you'll get a lot more character dynamics out of Zoltar in the next chapter. :D

Thanks again for the review and I hope you have a great day. :D




Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
— H. Jackson Brown