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Young Writers Society



Quest for Fire ~ Chapter 4 ~ Pin Head

by felistia


Zoltar woke to the sound of snarls all around him. As he slowly opened his eyes, hideous, horned snouts focused into his vision. His heart nearly stopped upon seeing the sight. A large frill splayed out from the dragons’ heads, with a silver horn curving from the middle of their forehead and wickedly sharp teeth framed their beak like jaws, but it was their glowing red eyes that sent fear scuttling down his spiny back. Memories of the previous day clouded his mind as he looked around wildly for an escape route. 

The sky was dark overhead with the omen of a coming storm and a breeze had started to blow, whipping up the loose flecks of soot. He was surrounded on all sides by Howler Dragons and to Zoltar's horror there was no sign of Hisster. He was gone.

Zoltar swallowed the lump building up in his throat as he tried not to think of what might have happened to Hisster, but the images were already starting to plague his mind. He could feel the terror starting to well up inside him. He couldn't die like this. He was one of the only Shadow Talon soldiers left. Whether his tribe liked him or not they needed him.

'Scorpus would want you to fight,' a small voice whispered inside his head. A spark of confidence lit inside Zoltar urging him on, 'It’s time to use the training Scorpus as taught you. You may not be like the other Shadow Talons, but you are still a dragon and these are just pitiful little lizards half your size. Fight them.'

Zoltar snorted a cloud of black smoke, his amethyst eyes gleaming through the dark plume. He gave a low, threatening growl and pawed the ground tossing up ash and stones into the dragons behind him. The Howler Dragons let out a yelp of surprise as with a roar he charged into the black creatures, butting them out the way with his long horns. Zoltar thrust out his wings, flinging yowling reptiles through the air and into other Howler Dragons. Clouds of dark dust swirled through the air as Zoltar fought the Howler Dragons.

One large dragon sank his teeth into the middle of Zoltar’s tail. Zoltar bellowed in pain and whipped his tail violently, dislodging the creature. Another Howler Dragon leapt onto Zoltar’s back, digging its claws into Zoltar’s scales. Twisted his neck round, Zoltar seized the wretched reptile and tossed it across the grey plain, straight into Hisster, who had just walked out of another gaping tunnel.

“Zoltar! What are you doing?” Hisster thundered, picking up the Howler Dragon Zoltar had thrown. Zoltar and all the Howler Dragons stopped fighting to stare at Hisster.

“We’re being attacked, aren’t we?” Zoltar asked, staring at Hisster like he'd seen a ghost. 'So much for him being dead then.'

“No, you pin head!” Hisster yelled, marching up to Zoltar. "They thought we were intruders. I talked to them when I woke up. They were watching you to make sure nothing attacked you. They insisted on it,” Hisster explained calmly, although in his eyes he looked like he wanted to strangle Zoltar.

“Oh. Sorry!” Zoltar apologized to Howler Dragons sprawled around him. There was a wave of low hisses and snarls from the Howler Dragons, but none that Zoltar could hear properly.

The big Howler Dragon that had climbed onto Zoltar’s back scowled at him and whispered something to Hisster. Hisster nodded and whispered something back.

Zoltar only caught a few words like "new...just died...will listen...see chief". The rest was blown away by a sudden gust of wind sweeping over the desolate waste land.

Hisster motioned for Zoltar to follow him as he padded towards a gaping hole gouged into the earth. Zoltar tailed Hisster silently, his nerves still pumped with adrenaline.

‘Thundering thunder bolts, now I’ve embarrassed Hisster in front of all the Howler dragons. What will he think of me know?' Zoltar thought regretfully to himself as he walked down the tunnel after Hisster. His tail was burning and the scratches he had received were starting to sting as he walked. This just wasn’t his day.

It was dark inside that passage and full of ash and the smell of death. If it wasn’t for Zoltar’s nocturnal vision he wouldn’t have been able to see his paw in front of his face down here. He could hear the pack of Howler Dragons trailing them, their snarls and growls echoing off the burrows walls.

They finely reached a room after a few prolonging minutes. It was small and lit by a few fire stones, which glowed dimly in the dark like red dragon eyes. There was no furnishings in the room, not even a bed. As Zoltar slowly scanned the area his eyes caught on a huge, dark figure standing in the corner. His heart jumped into his throat for the second time that day. The figure’s eyes were like burning pools of red flame that gleamed in the darkness of the room, a raging fire that could swallow your soul and mind forever.


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Sun Feb 26, 2017 8:35 pm
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Featherstone wrote a review...



Hi again!

I didn't catch much that needed changing, but here's what I saw:

"Whether his tribe liked him or not[,] they needed him." A comma would be good here, I think.

"Thundering thunder bolts..." Maybe something like 'rumbling thunder bolts' so it isn't so repetitive.

"They finely reached a room after a few prolonging minutes." Finally.

"The figure’s eyes were like burning pools of red flame that gleamed in the darkness of the room, a raging fire that could swallow your soul and mind forever." I'm a big fan of metaphor, and this is amazing!

That's all for today. Nice job!

-Feather




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Fri Feb 17, 2017 6:11 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Hey, felistia! Lupa here for a review! :D Let's start.

1) "What will he think of me know?" Ah... don't you mean "now?"

2) I thought Howler Dragons were dangerous. At least, Zoltar claimed that they were. And now they're protecting Shadow Talons from harm? This is a drastic change of view, and I feel like it would be better if the Howler Dragons were more aggressive. I mean, I imagined them as terrifying beasts that would attack at any moment, but they seem almost friendly to Hisster. It's a bit disconcerting for me... but maybe that's just me.

3) This passage is really short... and nothing much really happens in here. Zoltar embarrasses himself and Hisster, and that's about it. I feel like you cut it off for the sole purpose of a good cliffhanger. If that's the case, DON'T DO THAT! :) If not, I still think you could draw the chapter out longer.

4) Yikes! Speaking of a good cliffhanger, this one is really dark. I would like more description about the room, though. Can you talk about how the room feels? For example, "Even the air in this room was strange. It carried a feeling of mystery and something odious that Zoltar couldn't place." You know, some more details about it. (But don't use my terrible example. :D)

If your chapter was longer, I'd have more to critique. XD But as it is, I hope my review helped. I really do like following Zoltar on his journeys, and his character is pretty interesting. Well, keep adding on to this story and always keep writing!

XOX,
Lupa22




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Wed Feb 08, 2017 3:02 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! This is another shorter chapter, so I'm going to squeeze it in tonight too :)

Whether his tribe liked him or not they needed him.

I know you've covered this a little I think in the first chapter, I would still like to know a little more about this. Why don't some members of his tribe like him? Is it just because he doesn't have the poisoness barb or are there other reasons? I swear if he's like a Rudolph the Red nose Reindeer and the others don't like him because he's different..... (imma come after those dragons :p)

Clouds of dark dust swirled through the air as Zoltar fought the Howler Dragons.

This might have already been mentioned as well, but are Howler Dragons usually aggressive against the Shadow Talons? I think I remember something about them being a threat or Zoltar feeling nervous about this mission. But are they usually this aggressive or are they aggressive right now because two strange dragons just encroached on their territory and at least one of those dragons are fighting back?

Twisted his neck round, Zoltar seized the wretched reptile and tossed it across the grey plain, straight into Hisster, who had just walked out of another gaping tunnel.

Here's another example of the passive preposition thing. "Zoltar twisted his neck around and seized the wretched reptile, tossing it across the grey plain and straight into Hisster...."

“No, you pin head!” Hisster yelled, marching up to Zoltar. "They thought we were intruders. I talked to them when I woke up.

I swear I didn't read ahead. Did I call this or did I call this?? ;) 8)

Zoltar thought regretfully to himself

You can make this more concise by just tuning into the feeling - Zoltar felt ashamed or Zoltar hung his head in shame. We'll know that he's thinking because you denoted that it's a thought, and "to himself" is redundant because if he's thinking, it's to himself.


I'm thinking you could combine this chapter with the previous. I know you were going for the cliff-hanger, but you also have a cliff-hanger in this chapter. Both of these chapters are a little shorter than your first two chapters, and while your chapters don't have to all be the exact same length, it's nice to keep things a little consistent. Plus, with the comment I made in the previous chapter about not much happening, by adding this chapter on, you would fix that little problem. You could still get some of the effect of the cliff-hanger with the world going black by including a scene break if that works for you.

I liked that Zoltar did something in this chapter and stopped being scared all of the time :p I also appreciate that you're showing him doing it wrong and making mistakes. It helps round him out as a character and make him feel more believable. Just be careful that he isn't always in the wrong or always making bad decisions at this stage of the model. I wouldn't want him to come off as weak (especially since he's supposed to be a soldier) or inept. If this draft is anything like the previous, I know that he's going to go off and save the world, and I wouldn't want him to suddenly be amazing out of the blue because that's not going to feel realistic, you know? So I love that he's making mistakes right now, but show me the good soldier in his as well and the good decision making he can do as well.

I was a little surprised that there wasn't an apology or that Hisster didn't publicly berate him or discuss this with Zoltar. That could have been a way for Hisster to save face and repair some of the relationship with the Howler Dragons. They need to trust one another in order to work together on this mission. Also, it seems in character for Hisster to really lay into him for his choice to attack because he hasn't been the nicest so far.

I'm getting sleepy so I'm going to leave things there for now. Let me know if you have any questions/you know the drill. I'm enjoying the story so far and it's exciting to see the things that have changed and see how much you've improved since the last draft! I'm going to take a quick break on this story so I can start some stories that others have requested, but I'll be back soon for more! :D




felistia says...


Thank you for two review in one day. I love that. :D

Yet again you make perfect sense. I've got quite a bit of editing ahead. I love it!

I'm so glad you find the story better than last time. It's great to know that I'm getting better.

Thanks again and I look forward to seeing you soon. Have a great day. :D



Carlito says...


You're super welcome and glad it was helpful!! :)



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Fri Feb 03, 2017 2:48 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hello again felistia! Back again from the beginning - I've read the previous three chapters so now I have a better sense of the world and characters.

Hisster is quite the character. He's intimidating but I like him. Clearly he's not supposed to be a super nice guy but I think he's got some dimension and and it makes him a bit more rounded.

With Zoltar's character, he seems pretty alone (especially in this chapter) and I would love to see some more character interactions, maybe? We've got this lovely one:

“Oh. Sorry!” Zoltar apologized to Howler Dragons sprawled around him.


Which, to me, makes him seem genuine but a bit frazzled (in that moment of time). I think with more character interactions, or even just some alone time thoughts, it would connect the reader to Zoltar more, as well as make him appear more dimensional, if that makes sense? Just with more connection between Zoltar and the reader creates a stronger bond for him as well as rounds his character a bit. It's still very early on in the story, though, so this makes sense, but something to keep in mind!

It's a bit nitpick-y, but I've noticed "paw" has been used in context for their feet which seems okay , but to me it gives off a very mammal-type vibe (I think of a bear). I think it's all right if you keep paw but it pulls me away from the dragon idea for a snippet of time.

I loved the first line - gripping and pulls me right into the action. The last one makes me want to continue on (I love the suspense).

Hope this helps!

~EternalRain




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. It's helps a lot. I'll take you're advice and start editing as soon as possible. I do how you'll continue reading. :D



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Thu Feb 02, 2017 11:21 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Back again today. :)

I think what I learned about Zoltar in this chapter is that he's somewhat rash, and can easily convince himself he needs to act - he feels like a very malleable character. I feel like he could easily be taken advantage of. He's not that likable of a character to me, but I don't dislike him yet.

I liked how the fight scene played out, and you did a good job of making Hisster feel intimidating when he came out and stopped the fight - a good show of his personality.

Something I'm confused about is the size difference between Zoltar and the Howler Dragons, and whether or not they're dragons in general. The way Zoltar is able to toss them around makes it seem like they're a fair bit smaller than him, but it specifically states they're his size. And although they're called dragons both in the text and in their name, Howler Dragons, Zoltar seems to imply that they aren't considered dragons for whatever reason.

I also was a little disoriented as a reader when Zoltar woke up at the beginning of the scene - I had assumed he'd be in a cave or some sort of structure, and it never really said where he was until Hisster came out of one of the holes. Because of that, I also assumed the two of them were right next to each other, and was a little confused why it didn't mention Hisster.

A small formatting thing - usually characters' direct thoughts are in italics, not quotes.

Something that nagged at me a little was the hole in the side of the hill. That doesn't sound natural at all, and if it isn't, then there should be some sort of support beams/structures, but none are mentioned. Typically there wouldn't be a natural hole in a hill, since there's not enough solid rock unless it's a pretty big hill. I don't know, just the way it was described made it feel not natural.

You mentioned you're looking for feedback on plot and character development, and I'm afraid I don't have a lot of either of those for you, just because it's still so early on. But I'll keep those points in mind, and in the meantime if there's other stuff you want me to comment on just let me know. And that's all for today!




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. I'll start editing the chapter right away.

I've been having so much trouble with the beginning chapters 2 to 6 and it's great to have someone go through and give constructive information. You are helping a bunch and I do hope you start to like Zoltar soon. His one of those characters that grows on you very slowly.

Anyway, thanks again and I hope you have a great day.



felistia says...


P.S could you possibly point out what you don't like about Zoltar and if you have any ideas on what might make him a better character?



Mea says...


Sure! It's not that I don't like him, it's more that he doesn't have a really unique entertaining voice (which is fine, most characters don't), and more importantly that he hasn't done a lot or had things done to him that give us reasons to really care about him. So far, he's been attacked and had his colleagues killed, but he doesn't seem that upset, and although he spends a lot of his time berating himself for failings it's really easy for that to cross the line into annoying. It hasn't yet, but in general having the character berate themselves doesn't work as well as you might think to build empathy. We don't understand yet why he's like that, and plus we haven't gotten to see what he's like in his personal life yet, interacting with people other than Hisster and the people from the first chapter.

Hopefully that helps! As I read, I'll let you know how my feelings develop. :P



felistia says...


Ah that explains a lot. Thank you that helps a lot. I'll try to cut down on the whole berating thing. Don't worry about the interaction with other characters though. That's get fixed fair and square in the coming chapters.
Thank you.




"If I see an American in real life or a kiwi in a blockbuster, it feels surreal and weird, and like a funny trip."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi