Have you ever visited a state,
that isn’t highly rated by travelers?
One they say is nothing but crops.
I live in such a state,
where corn runs rampant,
but there is more to the story.
A flat, corn swept land,
has beautiful land features,
especially with sunrises and sunsets.
Golden and green fields litter much of the land.
Two lane highways are usually the best way to go,
unless you are heading to the big cities.
Back roads are more fun to drive on ,
as you can get lost but always have fun getting back.
Outside of towns and cities,
an occasional house will dot the roads,
breaking apart the illusion of gold.
Trees grow in groups, throughout fields.
National parks, fishing reservations, zoos,
and enough museums to last a lifetime offer
days full of adventure and wonder.
Those who live in the state,
whine and complain about it all,
but for me- I’m content.
I just wish the roads were in better shape!
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello! I'm going to start with a few specifics and then try to give my overall thoughts at the end:
1. The first stanza is very prosey and I might suggest adding a little more word play to improve your flow. Maybe something like:
Have you every visited a state
that's not first rate
where there's nothing but crops?
This would make it a little snappier and more fun to read.
2. The third line of the second stanza is a little flat. Maybe you could play on 'runs' and go for something like 'and the story runs on' or 'but the story runs further'.
3. The third stanza didn't really grab me and it feels like it should be the one which tells us how beautiful this state is. Maybe go outside and watch a sunset or a sunrise and think of a new way to describe it. Write down what it makes you think of. My sister once told me it was like butter melting into toast, the way the reds faded into the blue. Not a hugely romantic description, but it stood out.
Overall
The second part of the poem has some nice details but it reads more like a travel brochure than a poem at the moment. Maybe try and get a few more personal lines in, whether from your perspective or a persona's and show us their life. Where do they work or go to school. What do they pass on their way. What's the highlight of their ordinary week?
Also, more humour like the last line wouldn't be out of place - that helps to liven the poem up a little!
Hope this has given you a few ideas. All the best!
~Heather xx
This seemed awkward and painful to read. No offense. But it sounded like a tourist add and not like a poem from the heart. When you said Nebraska's beauty I was under the impression you'd describe in great detail and emotion the natural beauty of Nebraska. But you didn't. This seemed shallow,no depth to it. The first two stanzas need to be taken out as they serve no purpose except for cluttering up your work. You didn't describe what beauties you were referring to which left us as readers wondering, no one should ever have to wonder what they're reading. The author should make the point able to be found. Describe the scenery,wildlife and natural beauties of Nebraska's. Let the words flow from your heart and soul... This is your home that you're proud of so boast in great detail. Let us close our eyes and be able to picture it in our minds.
Good first draft.. needs TLC but its a lovely diamond in the rough. Good job. Feel free to drop a review on This is our song sometime! ^_^
Just keep in mind too be more dewcriptive, not so straight forward keep the reader wondering . It does not Seem like you put much thought into it although . Especially, when you are talking about geography you have too get deep soo deep it doesnt even seem like you were talking about something natural but something personal . Thats how much feeling we should get, it pulls you in and gives you thoughts as in that sounds amazing. That sounds like a good place too start a home . But it was still good just put more thought into your writing .
Hello, GreenTulip.
You might think these features are beautiful, but since you don't tell us what the features are, we don't know if they're beautiful or not. Show us the grandness of the rolling hills tinged with the last vestiges of sunlight at dusk. Show us the smallest stand of trees at the back of your grandparents' farm where you played castles when you were young. Show us something personal rather than just telling us that the land has beautiful features.I live in Nebraska, too! I agree, it is quite beautiful, isn't it?
To be honest, this seemed a lot more like prose broken up to look like a poem than a poem. It also sounds like a tourism ad for Nebraska, rather than something heartfelt about home. I didn't feel any emotion from this piece except for an annoying bit of irony at the end where you whine just after you whine about people whining.
Here are my suggestions.
Don't introduce so much. The title of your poem is enough introduction. Don't ask a question to introduce. That's a technique best saved for an essay. Cut the first two stanzas. All they do is clutter up the poem.
You should narrow your subject. When you say "Nebraska's Beauty," I'm thinking natural beauty, and I think you should focus on that rather than the sparse amenities that people put here. You might think that highways are beautiful, but you give no indication of that in the poem. It turns into almost a tour guide spiel when you start talking about two lane highways. Instead of saying that they're the way to go, show them simply for their beauty, without so much utility. They could be like great seams stitching together the patchwork quilt of cornfields, or like a river ferrying people from place to place. Find an image to connect highways to, otherwise they're great ugly tracks that smell terrible when it's hot out.
I wish this had more of a character in it. There is the narrator, but I want to know what the narrator thinks of Nebraska, not just what it is. Like I said earlier, give us a story we can hold onto. What are the narrator's experiences of the state?
I hope that this review proves useful to you. Have a good day.