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Sunshine filled Cold Days

by GreenTulip


Glimmering sunshine,

Gives into the allusion 

Of warmth and happiness.

Though it is all a lie.

*

The air is frigid,

Breath can be seen

In big clouds.

Why was it so cold?

*

The temperature reads

At 45 degrees at noon.

Why must it be so cold,

The sun is shining.

*

The distance memories of summer

Come to mind of warmth all day long.

Why must it always leave

And replace it with this bone chilling cold?

*

As fall comes in to take

The memories of summer,

This is what we are left with.

Cold sunny days that are no fun.

*

Hey sorry for the formatting I'm on my phone currently so can't properly format this!

*


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Sat Nov 05, 2016 1:09 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review.

So you have this simple idea here that's kind of based off the weather, and that's the most I got out of this poem. It was simple, and it talked about the sun shining when it's actually cold. I like the concept that you have here, but I felt that you could have expanded on the idea of it, there were places where I found potential that wasn't used.

Glimmering sunshine,

Gives into the allusion

Of warmth and happiness.

Though it is all a lie.


This first stanza does an okay job setting up for the rest of the poem, but I felt it was overall lacking. In the first stanza you give off what the rest of the poem is going to be about and the theme was right there. If you're going to take this approach where the readers already know what the poem is about from the title and the first stanza, you have to expand on it and you have to make more images and points from that. Think of the main or first image as your tree trunk here, and then all the branches are the other parts of imagery that add onto it. Another approach that I think would work here is not telling everything at once but instead telling it throughout the poem and tying it together at the end.

The lines here were bare of imagery and were nondescript in my opinion. The reader wants to be able to feel the emotions of the poem instead of just reading them. The lines are generic with the image that they get across but I think you could use that to your advantage if you wanted to make it sort of a spin on the idea of everyone loving bright and sunny days. If you're going to use emotion words, describe what you mean by them. My idea of happiness is not your idea of happiness, and your idea of sadness is not mine, so define it.

Small grammar note that the last line shouldn't be on its own and rather be connected to something else because of it starting with "though".

The lines here don't have much variation with their length, and that's something I personally value in poetry. Consistency with your lines often gets stale, so don't set them to a certain amount of space. Instead, let them be long and let them be short and let them be medium sized. This adds a variety to the poem, which goes along with punctuation. Spice it up so it doesn't get stale.

A lot of the things are redundant in this poem. You state it being cold many times and you also talk about the sunshine multiple times without adding anything new to it or without it having a purpose of repeating itself other than to take up space it seems. You use "the memories of summer" in two stanzas and I think you could scrap one of them because it isn't needed again.

Expand on your imagery. What I mean by that is make your imagery work with your points and themes of the poem, and what I mean by expanding on your descriptions is not using a line to just throw it away. Make the lines build and expand on each other, make them progress the poem. Use your five senses to describe things, don't just call them cold or sunny or anything of that sort. Tell me how they are cold, how they are sunny. How does the sun shine, like a projector in the sky? Define what you mean.

I hope this helped and have a great day!




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Fri Nov 04, 2016 11:24 pm
Astronomer wrote a review...



Hello there, GreenTulip!
This is Moonwatcher here for a review! ^-^

Glimmering sunshine,

Gives into the allusion

Of warmth and happiness.

Though it is all a lie.


I'm not the best at punctuation in poetry, and I believe that the last line might as well be conjoined into the same sentence as the previous three lines.

The air is frigid,

Breath can be seen

In big clouds.

Why was it so cold?


The first line should be it's own sentence.

The temperature reads

At 45 degrees at noon.

Why must it be so cold,

The sun is shining.


The second line is kind of chunky, and the repetition of "at" sounds somewhat odd. I suggest just dropping the first "at" and leaving the second one instead. Also, kind of would like to remind you that for Celsius users, 45 degrees is scorching hot outside.

The distance memories of summer

Come to mind of warmth all day long.

Why must it always leave

And replace it with this bone chilling cold?


I believe that instead of "distance" you may have meant "distant". I suggest changing the last line into "Replacing it with bone chilling cold" instead of "And replace it with this bone chilling cold".

I feel as if the imagery here is somewhat weak and unoriginal, and can use some improvement. The poem is about the effects of cold, so how do you feel about this? I'm talking how do you /really/ feel? Describe it, and use emotion, and make the reader feel the same way as you do. Try to use all five senses: taste, touch, sight, smell, and sound. Don't let anything get into the way, and try to really get in touch with your emotions.

I feel as if you try to focus too much on the how the poem looks rather than how the poem sounds. The flow isn't the best, and could use some improvement. You use a lot of unnecessary, filler words in your lines that I feel could be taken out.

That's all I have to say about this poem. I hope this review helped you out, and keep on writing! ^-^





Who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
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