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The Quest for Fire Book Two ~ Frozen Past Chapter 11

by felistia


The massive ice talon sat majestically in a shimmering diamond throne, her deadly tail gently sweeping from side to side as she watched Felistia and Zoltar with glittering yellow eyes. The four guards gingerly chained Zoltar and Felistia to metal hoops in the floor, keeping their heads bowed and none of them looking at the queen for a second. Once finished they bowed low and backed out of the room, closing the doors behind them. 

Zoltar swallowed hard as the guards left, leaving them alone with the queen of the ice talons.

'What was she going to do to them,' Zoltar worried, his talons shaking with fear. He'd heard terrible stories of dragons caught trespassing in the ice talon kingdom being torn apart by the queen's pack of drilver dragons. He stood frozen in fear as she stared intently at him as if trying to obtain information from his mind. Shifting her gaze, her menacing golden eyes locked onto Felistia's, who'd seemed to have gained some energy and was glaring at the queen with pure hatred.

"Felistia," The queen spat, spreading her wings to full height, causing the millions of silver scales to sparkle in the sun light filtering through the ceiling above. "It's a pleasure to see you again, little sister." She hissed in false greeting.

Zoltar stood speechless. 'Sister?'

"The pleasure is all yours, Shiler," Felistia snarled angrily through her mouth clamp, straining against the chains holding them to the floor. Her claws scrapping the smooth ice floor as Shiler glared at her with a look of annoyance. "And don't call me little sister. Not anymore. Not after what you did."

"It's ice talon tradition, Felistia. Kori wasn't running the kingdom like a proper ice talon should." Shiler growled with a note of irritation, arching her neck like a snake about to strike. 

"But she was your own sister. How could you do that and just for power. She was making the ice talon kingdom great. Just because she wasn't running it the way you wanted her too doesn't mean you had to go and challenge her for the throne. You could have waited a few years and had her pass the throne peacefully over to you," Tears were welling in Felistia eyes and her chest was heaving up and down with sobs, "She was my sister and you took her away from me."

Shiler rolled her eyes and yawned, "Look Felistia. You don't get to be the most powerful ice talon queen in years by waiting for your older sister to hand down the throne. That's not what we used to do in the past. We fought to the death for the throne. We ice talons have gone soft and so have you. Now on with the business at hand," She paused, the rage building in her eyes before she barked, "What are you doing here? I sent you to the best prison in Megalonia and you manage to escape. How I ask you? How?"

Felistia remained silent, tears still streaming down her snout. Zoltar longed to walk over and comfort her, but his chains held him in place.

"Fine then," Shiler breathed, her tail lashing from side to side. She slowly stood up, letting her eyes dart from Felistia to Zoltar. "I see you chose to bring a friend. A shadow talon no less."

Her glittering snake like eyes fell on Zoltar, who immediately felt like a rat cornered by a large cat, "What a shame for him. I hear shadow talons can only last a week in the ice talon kingdom before they die a painful death when their fire dies." She smiled wickedly as she walked up to Zoltar, her long tail trailing behind her. "I'm going to enjoy seeing Felistia's face as she watches you die." She growled quietly, running a serrated claw gently down his snout while snarling. "Then I'm going to execute her seeing that no prison can hold her."

Felistia didn't even flinch and simple turned away from the queen, her tail curled over her chains. But the remake turned Zoltar's blood cold as the queen's glittering gold eyes. "You can't k-k-kill me." Zoltar stuttered fearfully, trying to squish the trembling in his voice. "The s-s-shadow talons will attack the place if you do." Doubt filtered into Zoltar's heart though. Would the shadow talons really storm the palace just for him? As soon as he asked the question, Zoltar knew the answer. The shadow talons would never attack the ice talon palace, even if their own chief was trapped there. He and Felistia were on their own. 

"Pha. You think I'm scared of a bunch of scrawny shadow talons. Please, they'd be crushed like little pansies under my armies claws. I'm afraid there's no hope for you or Felistia here." She hissed cruelly, her crown of horns gleaming like knife blades as she lifted her head and roared, "Guards!"

Instantly four guards marched into the room, holding wicked looking spears. They bowed once they had entered as they waited for Shiler's commands.

"Take these two to the prison, I'll deal with their fates later." Shiler instructed, shooting an evil smile at Felistia, who ignored her as small traces of tears could be seen balling under her eyes.

The guards quickly unchained Zoltar and Felistia and lead them out the room, their sharp spears pointed at them, ready to stab them if they made a single wrong move.

As he was led out the room, Zoltar's eyes caught on a glass case in the far corner of the room. His heart skipped a beat as he realized that resting inside the casket was a sparkling mountain snow blue diamond. The ice diamond.


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 11:47 pm
FeatherPen wrote a review...






FeatherPen says...


sorry this is a review ment for chapter 17 not 11



felistia says...


You should delete this one and post it on chapter 17. :D



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Sun May 29, 2016 8:49 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Ooooh I have chills!! :D Your writing has improved sooo much since we first got started! I really liked this chapter. Not only were there some really interesting character insights and developments, but the plot just surged forward. I want to hurry to get this review done so I can go read more! :P

The massive ice talon sat majestically in a shimmering diamond throne, her deadly tail gently sweeping from side to side as she watched Felistia and Zoltar with glittering yellow eyes.

I love this opening and I love this description. I can see it so well and she's creepy and scary and I love it!

What was she going to do to them.

I would start a new paragraph here because you're going into his thoughts about this situation he has found himself in. Also, this is a specific thought (we've talked about that before, I believe) so it should be in italics. The rest of this paragraph is fine.

"It's a pleasure to meet you again, little sister." She hissed in false greeting.

I think "see you again" would make more sense here. Now this sort of blew my mind, although I'm curious to know (and it's still a bit ambiguous to me) if all ice talons greet each other as "sister" or if they truly are sisters. I believe they truly are sisters, but it took me some time to work that out. I'll talk about that more in a second.

Zoltar stood speechless. 'Sister?'

I love that Zoltar reacted, but that it was brief so it doesn't distract from the more important thing here - this confrontation between Felistia and the Queen.

with a look of annoyance, "and don't call me little sister. Not anymore. Not after what you did."

Do a period after "annoyance" and have "and" be the start of a new sentence. That dialogue is not related to the action that precedes it. I'm glad you included the action, but they should be separated.

"It's ice talon tradition, Felistia and Kori wasn't running the kingdom like a proper ice talon should,"

For clarity, I would break this sentence up a bit to show the two separate thoughts. I would do a period after "Felistia" and start the next sentence with "Kori". And then like the last piece of dialogue I pointed out, there should be a period after "should" because the subsequent action doesn't have anything to do with that dialogue. They're two separate things.
And for my own clarity (remember I'm slow at fantasy :p) - these three dragons are related and it goes Kori, Shiler, Felistia. They're royalty and Kori was in power but Shiler killed her so she could be in power. (So then by extension, if Felistia killed Shiler, Felistia would be in power?)

You could have waited a few years and had her pass the throne peacefully over to you," Tears were welling in Felistia eyes and her chest was heaving up and down with sobs, "She was my sister and you took her away from me."

Same with these. I won't point out all of the instances (unless you want me to), but I'm sure you get the point :)

That's not what we used to do in the past. No. We fought to the death for the throne.

I don't think the "no" is necessary because it feels a bit redundant. If the previous sentence was a question like "Is that what we used to do in the past?" then a "no" would be appropriate. But the way you have it now, I don't think you need it.

Zoltar longed to walk over and comfort her, but his chains held him in place.

How far apart are they? Can he stretch out a wing or is he really constrained? Or is he afraid to show any sort of support or move in any way right now?

Her glittering snake like eyes fell on Zoltar, who immediately felt like a rat cornered by a large cat,

Great analogy! I can feel his fear and his discomfort right now. You're doing a really nice job making this a tense situation.

"What a shame for him. I hear shadow talons can only last a week in the ice talon kingdom before they die a painful death when their fire dies." She smiled wickedly as she walked up to Zoltar, her long tail trailing behind her. "I'm going to enjoy seeing Felistia's face as she watches you die." She growled quietly, running a serrated claw gently down his snout while snarling. "Then I'm going to execute her seeing that no prison can hold her."

Oh this is good!! I want to know what Zoltar's immediate reaction is to this and how he's feeling? Give me a bit of his internal monologue right now before you mention Felistia's reaction and what Zoltar says back.

As he was led out the room, Zoltar's eyes caught on a glass case in the far corner of the room. His heart skipped a beat as he realized that resting inside the casket was a sparkling mountain snow blue diamond. The ice diamond.

You can slow down this ending a bit too. Once she gives the command what happens? What is Zoltar's reaction, how is he feeling, and what's going through his mind. And what's Felistia's reaction? Who comes in for them and what do they do next? How are they led out of the room.
I love how you ended with him seeing the ice diamond. Aaaah it's right there!!! :D

I'll be back for more soon! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D




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Sun May 29, 2016 8:41 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



I haven't read the other chapters of this so I may not be able to help fully, but this is Yams here for a review!

I felt like I couldn't really connect with the main character, Felistia that much. I didn't really feel anything with the way she talked. Actually, I felt the same for most of the characters as it felt the dialogue made them disconnected and it just didn't feel very natural to me, the way they talked.

I don't know, maybe it's because this is fantasy and then in that people have become easy to go to a queen that talks all fancy and threatening or something. The queen has the most problems with me for talking like just another "Evil Queen" archetype, and it'd be cool to see it broken at some point.

Zoltar was the most convincing and interesting character for the standpoint in this chapter to me. They're just watching this all go through in chains and are simply just observing the whole time rather than doing much action. Like Holo said, it is a little odd how it just comes up right now, but it is interesting to me of that decision.

The end of the chapter was nice in convincing to read more and it seems it would have a big impact on the reader if I had followed this novel from the start.

That's all I can give from my outsider-ish point of view.

Have a great day and take my review with a grain of salt!




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Sun May 01, 2016 1:31 am
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Naturally, I'm back!

Zoltar and Felistia stood in front of the queen of the ice talons in chains.

This sentence here feels a bit too plain. Passive, almost. Why not add some description or feeling? Maybe Zoltar is getting exhausted from withstanding the weight of the chans? Maybe they're getting colder by second?

One thing that I noticed about your opening paragraph is that it lacks the felistia description I've become used to seeing. Queen Shiler, from the way she talks, comes across as someone quite vicious and maybe even cunning. We as readers want to get that impression right a way (more or less) and her first appearance just makes her seem like some random dragon on a throne. She hardly takes the power from Zolar, Felistia, and the guards. You want her to seem stronger and at a higher position than the others.
For a moment, let's take Zoltar and Felistia's chains away. The guards don't have nearly enough power anymore, which is fine since they aren't always all mighty and powerful. (Plus there are more of them than Zoltar and Felistia) Shiler, on the other hand, only has a bit more power than the guards, which isn't where a queen--especially one like her--would find favorable. She has to seem like high and mighty, almost like a goddess (a scary one, though). However, the only thing that gives her the avantage is her throne. Now, let's take away the palace and guards so that they're standing in the tundra, just Zoltar, Felistia, and Shiler. Who has more power in this situation? This is a bit of a tricky one, but it feels like it's more Felistia and Zoltar rather than the queen because there's more of them than her. Of course, unless she was bigger, more threatening-looking, and more deadly. Ah, now she seems like the most powerful of the three.
My point here: make her seem like one of the most fierce, deadly beings alive. We don't have much of an idea of what she looks like or how powerful she can really be compared to Zoltar and Felistia.

Felistia snarled angrily through her mouth clamp

Weren't they gagged?

(Insert Shiler's entire speech here)

Uh, it seems a little funny how she would just say all of that in front of Zoltar. Plus, it seems to come out of nowhere. She's really given no reason to tell Zoltar this whole story. Plus, I can't really imagine anyone revealing their entire life story (ok, that's a dramatisation) right when they first meet someone.
The solution: reveal this all gradually. Maybe have Shiler speak to Felistia specifically, revealing bits of their past. Then, later, Felistia could then fill in what happened to Zoltar.

Well, that's it from me! I'm glad to see that you're back, by the way. (I can now read your new works again) :)
Happy writing!
~Holographic Ladybug

Happy Review Day and don't forget to never stop writing! :D





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