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Lonely Nights

by GreenTulip


The world is lit in the dimming rays of sunset,

and the bright lights of the fairy-tail street lights.

Pine needles under the pools of light,

shine with a vibrant youthful look.

The leaves crunch underfoot as people trample

over them in a rush to go places.

-

A chorus of barks echos down the

quiet, lonely deserted roads, a sign that life is still here.

-

Lights shine in the windows of the silent houses,

the only signs that people are actually home.

The echos of a basketball bouncing,

leaves the heart beating in hopes of seeing another.

-

Dark gray pocketed pavement stretches out in front

of a lonely walker, with only a dog for company.

The clouds above her head, storm like,

threatening to pour rain down upon her head at any moment.

-

Still she walks on, unfazed by the color and threats of the clouds.

Her black and white Husky trots alongside her,

his tongue hanging out of his mouth as he breathes heavily.

-

The sounds of her dog tags hanging from her neck and

the clinking of his dog tags hanging from his collar

make a song so light and bell like.

-

The girl smiles and bends down to pet her dog,

as he sits obediently, licking her face in a friendly kiss.

She giggled and pushed him away slightly as

she rises to her feet once more, brushing off the knees of her jeans.

She takes his leash back in both hands and whistles,

and he trots once more beside her as she

continues to walk down the lonely road.

-

She takes the time to look up at the sky, and take in the clouds.

As she did the first few raindrops fall upon her face.

Rubbing her face as looked up the slight hill she stood by,

where the house was located, looming high above their heads.

-

She loosened her grip on her dog’s leash

as she slowly hiked up the slight steep hill,

to the brick steps of the front porch.

-

She looked back once more at the sunset lights,

and the fairy-tail like street lamps,

that lit her path that night.


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1007 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2014 11:07 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here for a review on review day! You are my friend today! Yayayayay! You are on my team! I will try to be nice to you, then. Maybe.

So the first thing I thought after I finished was, Whoah! I need to walk my dog more often. Maybe then I would see all this you see! :D This was so beautifully descriptive, but no overly so, and they weren't complicated descriptions, which makes it even better! :D

I will just hit my little nitpicks now!

The leaves crunch underfoot as people trample

over them in a rush to go places. ----I don't know why, but this doesn't flow for me like the rest of them poem!


A chorus of barks echos down the

quiet, lonely deserted roads, a sign that life is still here. ---I think you could go farther with this part, and expand. The stanza is shorter than any of the rest, so you can do that with ease!


make a song so light and bell like. ----That last part, bell like doesn't flow for me. I don't know what would make it flow better, but I thought I would mention it anyway. :D


She looked back once more at the sunset lights,

and the fairy-tail like street lamps,

that lit her path that night. ----While that last stanza is wonderfully written and I love how she turns back, I was expecting something more after that last line. She looked back once more... and then what? Did she turn away? Did she sigh and marvel at the beauty?


So that sums up my nitpicks! Wonderful poem! Looking forward to another one!
~Timmyjake




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Mon Jan 13, 2014 2:04 pm
RachelLeeAnn wrote a review...



Hello, GreenTulip!
RachelLeeAnn here to review! :)

I loved this. The imagery and tone were great. It seems sad and desperate at first, but towards the end readers get a sense of hope. I like that.

Most of my nitpicks have been hit by other reviewers: a couple unnecessary repetitions, word choice, etc.

This stanza here I thought was particularly lovely:

The sounds of her dog tags hanging from her neck and

the sounds of his dog tags hanging from his collar

make a song so light and bell like.


It creates great imagery here. Is it correct to assume this woman is a soldier, judging by her tags?

Excellent work on this!
Please, keep writing!
-Rae :)




GreenTulip says...


This is a poem that I got while walking my dog- a Husky- in nearly the same atmosphere. The fact that the girl/woman is just in fact a family member of a military member. The girl here is meant to represent "me" as I walk along streets that are just as described above. I am an Army Brat and I wear dog tags, so it is nearly like "me" in this poem.



RachelLeeAnn says...


Ahh, I see. I can relate to that-- Army Brat as well. Good job on this, though! :)



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Mon Jan 13, 2014 4:07 am
Wisteria wrote a review...



Hi there, Subtle here to review for ya! So first, with the technical things.

The world is lit in the dimming lights of sunset,

and the bright lights of the fairy-tail street lights.

Pine needles under the pools of light,

shine with a vibrant youthful look.

The leaves crunch underfoot as feet trample

over them in a rush to go places.


You used light twice in that stanza, as well as the repetition as underfoot and feet. Consider a thesaurus. In poetry, I suggest you not to repeat words in two corresponding lines unless you're trying for lyrical affect, which in this situation. I assume, you're not. However, you have created some nice imagery here. Those I highlighted in bold.

A chorus of barks is heard from down the

quiet, lonely deserted roads, a sign that life is still here.


This stanza is fine, but it doesn't flow quite right. I think you should chance 'is heard' to 'can be heard'. But that is just a suggestion.

Dark gray pocketed pavement stretches out in front

of a lonely walker, with only a dog for company.

The clouds above her head, are dark and storm like,

threatening to pour rain down upon her head at any moment.


I think you can get rid of the dark, just to make it more poetic.

The sounds of her dog tags hanging from her neck and

the sounds of his dog tags hanging from his collar

make a song so light and bell like.


I quite like this stanza, it has a very gentle imagery to it. However, song and so sounds alike, so change your words.

The rest is fine, the repetitions in some of your other stanzas were effective and conveyed your meaning across well.


I like how this poem even though, sounding sad and austere there was a touch of hope to it. Well done! The ending was beautifully done! Best of luck in your writing!

-S.s




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Mon Jan 13, 2014 3:35 am
fictional wrote a review...



I like this poem, it gives a desolate, desparate, yet hopeful feeling, and the imagery is wonderful. I do have some suggestions for ya -

I am not sure if it was intentional, but in the first stanza, "light" is repeated over and over - and the effect is truthfully more annoying than powerful. Consider synonyms.
~
Also, "The leaves crunch underfoot as feet trample" - repetition of "foot" and "feet". "The leaves crunch under as feet trample" etc. would be better, albeit with a word other than "under".
~
"Lights shine in the windows of the silent houses,

showing signs that people are are actually home."

You typed "are" twice. Also try rewording the whole phrase, as it's a bit of a mouthful.

E.g. "Light shine in windows of silent houses,
signs that people are actually home."
~
"She loosened her grip on her dog’s leash

as she slowly hiked up the small steep hill,

to the brick steps of her small front porch."

The repetition of "she", "her" and "small" is not very effective here - try rewording this also.
~
You don't have to take my advice, but I hope you find it useful. I 'pologize for the long review, but I like this poem and feel it deserves a more or less thorough inspection :)





"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
— Lewis Carroll