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Penguin Attacks

by Audy

for peng the gentle typesmith

we were to take our coloring pages
spread them out like wingspans
with scrawled adventures like a treasure map
to an orange day's conversations

orange like the range of nightsong
just mellow elegies we drunken old birds sing
spellbound by childhood's ambience
and together gather reassurances
for the other's meat print poetry

but you've begun to peel the pretty
out of these pictures now

you see the ugly in an onion layer
where the feathers have molted away to grim

remember your pen friend is just a punslinger
but you will always be the penguin slayer.

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890 Reviews

Points: 33
Reviews: 890

Sun Jun 30, 2013 6:06 am
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PenguinAttack wrote a review...

Hi Audster!

I think it's only fair that I do come along and review this, since you were an angel and wrote it for me! I think the images are gorgeous and I love what you're saying. It's beyond what I expected from our chat suggestions and I think you officially blew mine out of the water.

I'm not sure about the end couplet, which I think you knew I might not be sure about! It connects to the poem, of course, but I think that the suggestions (comedic of course) shake out the sense that the poem actually had. Without that couplet and the title, you'd have a lyric poem for definite. More particularly because the poem says something lovely, but totally untrue, since there are no ugly onion layers, and my pen friend is an amazing writer, always.

I don't mind the lack of capitalisation at all, I think its part of that suggestion of childhood and spreading wings - you never have to worry about colouring inside the lines if you don't have an outline. that works here, there's a sense of freedom and endlessness to this poem which carries really well in your style - I feel like your style here is slightly different to what it is usually, is that the subject matter or just this sense of cohesion I get from this? your poetry is always good but I feel like this has some kind of concrete feel to it (disregarding those final lines, which I find disconnected) which is not always present in your other poetry.

I hope the idea that this poem which was an experiment and is in humour is a super good poem and I love it doesn't offend you. Why would it offend you though? I don't know! I just love it, consider writing more prompted poetry, I think it gives you a sense of purpose and intent which shows through the writing.

Thank you again

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862 Reviews

Points: 2146
Reviews: 862

Sat Jun 29, 2013 8:26 am
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Griffinkeeper says...

Your caps lock key is broken!

Audy says...

You should see me when Sachi's around ;D

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29 Reviews

Points: 2289
Reviews: 29

Tue Jun 25, 2013 10:55 pm
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tiggpanda145 wrote a review...

That's a good poem! The descriptions are very good and give you a sense of place. The idea is very good and you have used lots of ambitous vocabulary too. Maybe you should use some commas and capital letters as although the sentences are good you need punctuation etc. to make them grammatically correct. So yeah well done-sorry this isn't very long as I am not very experienced on this site yet and will improve!

tiggpanda145 :)

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160 Reviews

Points: 246
Reviews: 160

Tue Jun 25, 2013 6:35 pm
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Rurouni wrote a review...

I am sensing this is from Gee's workshop.... Rum and oranges...

So, I like this, maybe some commas?

I like 'drunken old birds sing' as that might have to do with all those drunk pirates.... Joking.

I really like this, and I hoooope to see more like this..

Anyways, thanks, and we should do more of Gee's workshops....


Another member of Gee's workshop.....


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74 Reviews

Points: 1117
Reviews: 74

Mon Jun 24, 2013 11:11 am
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HaleyPenguin wrote a review...

This is well done :) I also really like the title. (Obviously from my name.) I like the way this is put together. Personally, it gives me a childhood feel, like with the treasure map. It was very unique and interesting to read.

I just didn't like all the randomness. True, it's different, but it was a little too much for me.

Otherwise, you did very well, and I really do hope you continue writing. :) I can't wait to see more from you.

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41 Reviews

Points: 648
Reviews: 41

Mon Jun 24, 2013 4:12 am
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illitar wrote a review...

"where the feathers have molted away to grim","but you will always be the penguin slayer."

It went from childhood to advertising propaganda to killing penguins. hmmm. random and yet it worked.
I liked the general idea and you pulled it off quite well. there are some things that most people wont talk about and i dont see the humor in this besides the last line. its more general publics view from child to the generation that we have grown up in and the loss of child hood wonder. treasure maps and such.

but this is my mind and how i see this poem.
well done. it made me think and that is what is needed in a piece.
keep it up.

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129 Reviews

Points: 2087
Reviews: 129

Mon Jun 24, 2013 2:38 am
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beccalicious94 wrote a review...

Audy! It's so glad to be back and active and reading your work. As always, this was fabulous! Your colorful diction was refreshing as well as your description of details. I was a bit confused about the penguin slayer at the end (I'm assuming its for a friend.) Great job and write on!

Adventure is worthwhile.
— Aesop