This reads almost like a really short story, which is good because I prefer fiction to poetry anyway. 
Audy wrote:The cold hurts,
This is too literal and direct. It's poetry damn it! open with something brooding and vague.
before their bodies turn numb, it devours them
That's more like it.
-- chews them up and spits them out until they're nothing
This doesn't add anything. It doesn't play upon the former much, that is to say, it only modifies it a little. I don't claim expertise when it comes to poetry, but I can say every line needs to add, every word needs to be carefully placed and strong and I think you let yourself down a little with this.
but shattering bones piled up against the wind.
A little better because of the wind image. I can almost hear the wind whistling through fibula and flanges.
I see them!
Too weak.
Hearts frozen over,
whilst shuddering bodies convulse in the arctic snow,
quivering and sobbing of an empty hurt
unaware of rotten, old flesh trailing like bread crumbs.
This is all a little better, but quite direct and limited. Open it up and let the readers wander about, don't box us in.
I like how you switch it at the end, it all makes sense. Like I said this is more like fiction than poetry because you limit the scope of the reader. Hope this helps,
JP
Points: 14013
Reviews: 280
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