Yes, she's most teen in her ways, as I've been saying,
but you cannot fault a bay window for smudging.
We let her peace on by with her lonesome daze,
stares that bear holes through easel framed canvases in glass.
I think the light eases her pale face, paints something freckle-like in her
save on the days she'd read the wet and trails out of rain drops
unfolding stories and pink petunia fantasies the way we used to break backs and fold laundry.
She grows on us.
We like how she's the sweet milk before the cream,
but I'm afraid.
When the quiet abandon comes sweep up her spine
without nourishment, with heavy lids closing and
fingers scraping glass
she sits exposed and drinks it all in.
Her dark of doubts and freckle-turned wrinkles—
that bay prison may be her passion, her poison,
her only solacement.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi Audy!
1. The title is intriguing and that's 80% of the reason I'm here, the other 20% being I love you.
2. I think the first line is awkward and would flow more smoothly as: As I've been saying, she's more teen in her ways' but even that is still a little bulky and then you get the rather awkward rhyme with daze so I'm not sure.
3. 'peace on by' is awkward. It's a nice attempt at originality but what does it actually mean? There's no strong image attached to it and the poem is starting to feel very wordy. I love the second line but the first and third are very pale beside it.
4. Do you mean bear holes or bore holes in line four? Also, 'easel framed canvases in glass' is a pretty image but again very bulky. Then you have 'eases' which is a really nice, subtle play on words.
5. I'm not sure about the first two lines of stanza two, but the second two are lovely both in their flow and the actual words. There's nothing I can fault with those two - they have the same quality as your title and that second line in stanza one. That sort of subtle but intriguing and beautiful snap shot.
6. Stanza three doesn't feel like it has enough to it and I'm not sure about the simile. I keep looking for a deeper layer or more sense than it or where cream and windows might have some deeper connection, but it just feels a little misplaced.
7. The last stanza is okay but it doesn't give me any conclusion on the poem or any answers as to how this reflection on a window reflects on society. It's an odd thing to say already that a bay window 'smudges' so I was waiting for the revelation and the 'ah, yes'. If you've read Dickinson's 'There's a certain slant of light' at first the title is vague and it's difficult to know what she means, but through the course of the poem she explains exactly and you realise you have felt that before. Likewise this poem needs to make the reader understand this process of smudging and how the bay window relates to it.
Overall
There are some good uses of imagery here, but this isn't one of your best. It's too confusing and, in the beginning especially, feels wordy without saying anything. It could be that I'm missing a lot of secret messages and I'd be interested in knowing what those are if I am, but I can't pick out the themes or the narrative of the poem.
Heather xx
Audy, I am loving the way that you are kicking the conventional sentence structure out the window and giving us lots of new ways to think through your choice of language. This poem is clear to those who are willing to take the time to work slowly through the sentences. I mean, it's mostly clear. Since I mentioned that, I guess I'll point out the one line where it's not really clear:
Throughout this poem, you're talking about this girl getting darker. You're talking about quiet abandon and heavy lids and scraping fingers and prisons. This line suggests to us that the most danger this girl's in is writing pretty stories, and that kind of breaks up the entire tone you've accomplished through the rest of your words. It may be the pink and the choice of flower. It might be the word "stories" which hits too close to home for writers that read this, making them think it's about just another writer, which cheapens the topic. I love the idea of the unfolding and the flower, though, especially because unfolding a flower means you're tearing it open too early, and that brings out a delicate, natural sad tone.
The other part I was a little iffy on was this part:
And that's because later, freckles become part of something dark, where here they're supposed to represent something hearkening to the sun, right? Something lighter and more carefree -- the natural darkening of some skins. This contradiction also makes me a little confused.
That said, writing sentences like
is mind-bending and I love it. Oh! I think you meant "bore" holes, up in the first stanza, too.
Nice, love.
PM me if you have any questions or comments!
Good luck and keep writing~
This poem was delightful. I like the theme of personifying a window; it's a clever gift for a reader. Also using the word 'smudging' in both the title and line 2 was enjoyable, as for clear reasons your choice of word pairs well with the window. I would have liked to have read more about the smudging and clouding of the glass due to a living feeling of having been used making a profound impact on the commonness of such utility. Line 11 is well written because I think it expresses my earlier mention of the window's use being displayed. I disagree with including the negativity in line 16, for it doesn't seem all that bad to be a window. There's a feeling of comfort and responsibility, so by using words like 'prison' and 'poison' I feel that separates me from the message. Make sure to continue writing! Cheers.
This si a very nice poem with nice usage of words, however my biggest confusion in the title, (and in turn a link in the poem)
Since I am not american it is often that I don't get things, I thought this may have been a saying, but after a quick Google, it was not. I really don't understand tis at all and I do not see how it is relevant. It is probably just me but if anyone else here can explain it apart from the author I would be surprised...? The smudging bit is what confuses me the most.
Moving on I think in this line
Do you mean 'bore'?
Things that I especially liked:
Your usage of the extended metaphor in another situation.
First you wrote about the easel and the canvas, then continued the theme of painting in this line
Also this line
It shows us that she is already something good but there is something just as good and more rich of her to come.
Good job.