If only I could taste by ear,
I’d have myself a six-pulse slice
of pumpkin-pomelo pie.
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139,506 Literary Works • 672,594 Reviews
Okay, the title drew me in perfectly, which I always love it when a writer does that. But, I must admit, your first line, both confused me, and slightly bored me. I mean, only after reading the whole poem and then rereading the sentence did I finally understand what you were trying to say. That's not so good. See, what makes this confusing is that you compare a sense with an object. Yes, ears listen and hear, but ear isn't really one of the five senses. It's like comparing pain, and a toe. Maybe you stubbed your toe, and that caused pain, but the two don't really make enough sens to compare them together. So, maybe you should simply try "If only I could taste WHAT I HEAR." See how that makes a little more sense? Now, it compares one of the five senses to another one of the senses. It makes a little more sense. Now, you're probably wondering "Well, I have 'To stomach down without feeling empty.' Why is that any different?" Well, I've always made a joke about the sad truth about the English language: it always has an exception, and the exception is this sentence. Okay, now let's look at the rest of the poem. Overall, you did a wonderful job. The comparisons of food and the senses are beautiful, and that's where I was really drawn into the poem, but the beginning is a great way to slowly pull the reader in. Honestly, by the end of this poem, I had a bit of a smile on my face. The only way I can describe the description is: sweet. It gave a sweet taste in my mouth.
All in all, it was a wonderful free-verse, it's a great start! Keep on writing!
NICE! I really like how your described the voice as "Black Licorice Gum" because one can chew and manipulate a voice in so many ways.
forgive me)
(haha sorry I was feeling poetic there myself
I guess that the big long part in the middle was a little odd-looking at first. It's a little intimidating, so if I were you I would either split it up or put the other one into smaller stanzas.
Cheers,
Trav
Ooooh. Your words in general I really like
Second stanza, third line, I want to get rid of "thought for". What do you think?
"a cool mint" should probably just be "cool mint" - parallels the stanza below better.
In general, I feel like there's something missing. It partly lies in your first line - I want to see a bit more of the hear/taste idea. That, plus your second stanza relies heavily on imagery that's very visual, not auditory, so there's some mixing of the senses that doesn't quite make sense (ha) with how you've set this up.
Otherwise! The fourth and fifth stanzas seem off. The dramatic change can be really effective, but i feel like the stanzas themselves don't warrant such drama or emphasis. These two lead awkwardly to the sixth stanza as well - "the maybe it'd be easier" is a phrase that I read as needing setup, and the third, fourth and fifth just don't do it - as a whole or using them individually (with the fourth and fifth read as an aside) it just doesn't connect for me.
Anyway, enough from me! If you have any questions, or need to explain myself better, just let me know! I'll do quite a bit if I get to read something like "sucking on caramelized fossils" again!
Bek