So there's breakfast at nine,
kielbasa sizzling like hot
little blimps full of froth
over fluffed dandelion fields of eggs
and swells of masala tea over ice;
memories lingering in from last night
through the jailhouse shutters.
We gather small-talk of the clumsy town,
how the weather's become unpredictable a thing,
can the sky be so brittle? Cracked edges
of faint pencil outlines and chimney smokes
erased, blurred, gone or barely remembered.
Conversation drifts to cornfields and politics
and where-the-by...
Can you pass the salt,
Can you open the vault,
Can you admit fault to this elephant here?
He sees only the pose of a white-tail doe,
how she laughs when joked about,
how she smiles when spoken to,
her shadows speak of valleys ladling in
tangerine pools; her temper, the
lightning in a dry rain, charging
through the distance and gone by the next train.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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140,080 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hi there
. Review time.
Now I've got to say, I wasn't expecting this but it was so intriguing.
Well first a little mistake,
"how the weather's become unpredictable a thing,"
I think you might have meant, "how the weather's become an unpredictable thing," well if not that then still it needs to be changed.
Well there is a lot of imagery, symbolism, metaphors, plus some rhyming too. All these things together seem to put the poem together. I don't see the whole story here, but there are interesting parts with a jailhouse, and other topics. Some things I can tell to be literal and others more metaphorical but I don't mind. I can see you've probably put a lot of thought into this poem. It has a voice and personality to itself with such interesting details such as the food or drink, or drawing with a pencil. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hi, here for a review.
Wow! There's a kind of gripping quality in the way you write that really stands out. I love this poem!
"and swells of masala tea over ice;" this adds such a nice touch to the first stanza.
There's a few little nitpicks I have. Just a few things I might word differently:
"...Cracked edges
of faint pencil outlines and chimney smokes"
For some reason, starting this second line with "of" feels weird. Maybe use "like" instead?
"Can you admit fault to this elephant here?" I really like the two lines leading up to this one, but this line feels forced. Maybe play around with it and use something different than "elephant." I don't know if there's some symbolic meaning of elephant that I am unaware of, but if not, I don't think you need to include it.
WOW. The last stanza! Utter perfection. I love it! So rhythmical and natural and magical all at the same time. The most poetic stanza you could write!
You are a great poet. This is a fantastic piece!
Happy writing,
Kali L.
I can here to review but by the time I finished reading I decided not to. This is such a good poem. Great job!