Harmful When Swallowed

This turned out really well. I love the use of formaldehyde because it really stands out to me as a scent that I remember very well from High School. It's suffocating just like she experiences and that's perfect. Reading it so long after, I am a little confused about a few lines.

what's cleaner than taking the white?

Hey Audster,

So, this is just delicious and I know it’s from Chu’s prompt. Rea explained that you altered it a little to make it in the eye of the launderer – which helped because I was so confused! I know you have other reviews on this and I’m going to play to my usual form and not read them just yet.

Firstly, I like this poem. It’s a solid, weighty poem that I think you’ve done wonders with considering the prompt. More so, I think it’s gorgeous that I had a long conversation with Rea about the poem and was convinced to change some of my notions about the poem (although I’m going to slip the skin of my thoughts over what I know at least one of your intentions were). The innuendos are well done, slippery and very well suited to the task at hand. I will go ahead and say that I like that she’s dying at the end of the poem. Once Rea had convinced me that she was killing the man, I thought I’d have to decide I didn’t like the concept realisation. Mostly because the method of killing was perversely personal and I didn’t want her to go on with her life in cold blood, cause this wasn’t cold blooded, it was hothothot.

‘I want for you to say’ is perfect and I think it reinforces the suggestion of her way of speaking. I don’t like the use of “though” in this stanza. It’s awkward and throws off the rhythm of the lines, and I don’t think it changes anything in particular. By which I mean, that taking out ‘though’ would clean up understanding with the coming lines. How beautiful the absinthe clouds is! Although, the absinthe clouds are cloudy and tinged green, which is why we take them as the colour of his eyes after the killing and (I think) before the bleach hits proper. I take this poem as the act of killing, the movement of it, from beginning to end. I consider the knuckle not innuendo but instead an expression of motion, shoving that pillow/rag/sheet down over his face and knuckling in, doing her cleaning job. I know that sounds bizarre because I *know* what your intention was, but I’m going to ignore it because the author is dead.

I decided she’s a maid, by the way. I know she’s meant to be a launderer, but I’m not digging that. I dig that she can do the washing and all that, but I want (need) her to be a maid to fill in some of that innuendo and suggestion as well as explain some of the phrasing. The French maid is a pleasing nod to the sensuality and servitude which I think this woman is fighting and accepting all at once. She uses her servitude to give the sensuality even as she’s being taken advantage of. He leaves the sheets for her, not thinking about how she’d see them? Not caring? Or on purpose to tell her that he’s moved on. She was probably a virgin too, and that’s why it gets to her just that bit more. I see her as young, self-righteous and very tired.

You set up the ending very well for me, the movement of “I cannot breathe” to “yellow and wrinkled” and then “I drink a toast/ to white” details all the right images for this woman taking one more, deep, breath of this Clorox cocktail. “after all, what's cleaner than taking the white?” I find” this is a mad awkward line as well. Took me another couple reads to see it. I understand it but the syntax is working against you again. You could leave it in, but it’s distracting for me.

I like the tone and the movement of the poem, the rhythm (aside from that bit mentioned) is strong and evocative. I didn’t feel much of the emotion in the poem, but that is probably because I was more distracted by the story and therefore the words. You can decide if this is more important to you, but you know I’m all about the emotion of the piece in combination with language. The anger is there because of what’s happening, but I don’t hear any remorse or even unhappiness. It’s matter of fact, which I like, but has the markers of something more which I’m not getting yet.

Mad impressed, lovely work.

~ ♥

on your wedding day, though
it's a good thing my uniforms are white

Hello there!


Starleene here!


I have come to leave you a review!


“I want for you to say, who's that french maiden
in that accent of yours,
unsullied, shameless
goo goo l'amour.
And I'll promise to shave you
on your wedding day, though
it's a good thing my uniforms are white
as the sunbleached sky that promises no tomorrow,
as the absence of eyes
the absinthe clouds.”

French seems to make everything better, no? I like how you introduced the narrator right away and made it clear that she is a maid. Also, I love the word play in the last two lines, ingenious. Oooh, wedding day? So this man is married and yet she still has these dreams of him calling to her. I smell and affair!

“Here, I'm in the business of cleanliness
Monsieur mon chou,
and I have tended to your laundered sheets
the speckled ones you left for me to see—
You'll have to agree, good hygiene prolongs the life,
after all, what's cleaner than taking the white?”



I like how you introduced the problem in a classy way, preserving the “decency” of the piece. The lines “and I have tended to your laundered sheets/ the speckled ones you left for me to see” ignites questions! Have she and her master had an affair? Is he playing with her? If so, then why? Did they have a falling out? This stanza takes the whole work to a different level. It adds depth and understanding. I feel as if a movie is unfolding before me, like a train wreck that you can’t turn away from.


“I'm knuckle deep in the day's grind;
still, I focus on your body, focus on
your body's
white
and scrub away the scabs of the trade.
Scrub away her pink from your satin,
her scent from your breath. I cannot breathe—
formaldehyde and Clorox bleach.
Watch my fingers yellow and prune.
Once, I imagined them thus, aged and wed.
Now, I drink a toast
to white.”


Fantastic. Brilliant. I can see the events unfolding before me: A maid trapped in a life of tail and despair! Alas, she finds a good job and falls in love with her attentive “master.” He leads her along, passing his time until he could find a suitable wife, maybe promising her the wifely position to solidify her position in his household! He brings home a lovely woman and it becomes known that they are betrothed! Her heart can’t bear it, living in the same home as the man whom she loves and can’t have him. She takes her own life in the depths of un requited love!
I love it! It has captured my imagination!
I look forward to reading more from you!


Good Luck! Happy Writing!


Starleene Out.