she is late waking one morning with
cold feet and sorrow thawed by the eyes.
she sees me,
who I am,
on the porch watching birds free
and happy with their plump bellies,
but my sweat rolls thick to my sandal leg as
the wicker chair chirps her coming.
nobody but she can deliver October in such spice and frost a tongue
as when she says good morning.
this in her I always admired how she can be honey—
sipping cider and frantic with love and bees, and then months
later you hear not a dream or the peck of a bird from her.
all or nothing.
so, we feed off one another in dinners and chats
of work and life and days long again
and maybe a baby—?
she’s laughing like the stain of coffee on crisp paper.
it’s because her eyes see and breed a deep melancholia,
perhaps you've read one of her poems before out of a pile
of an autumn’s vibrant reds and dead browns?
but me, I've seen below her surface, her roots are so deep, decomposing as she nourishes
just by existing, vibrant or dead in her morning walks but she laughs and laughs
and the birds fly gone. And she, too, never understanding the summer in such arms so withered.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey! AJ here for a short review!
First off, I have a distinct style I like for poetry, but it's obviously not everyone's opinion on it. So I will by-pass my desire to critique the style, as I realize it's a choice.
"but my sweat rolls thick to my sandal leg as"
Sandal leg? Perhaps just leg would work.
"she’s laughing like the stain of coffee on crisp paper."
That doesn't really make much sense to me.
"nobody but she can deliver October in such spice and frost a tongue
as when she says good morning."
I love the imagery here! It helps solidify the idea of the poem in my mind.
Overall, I think this is very creative and well done. Again, it's different from the style that I like, but that's entirely your choice. Keep on writing!!
-ajruby12
I actually don't mind critiques on the effectiveness of style, go for it if you really want. ^_~ Thanks for reading.
The beginning and the end are somehow inspirational... I mean, this "but me, I've seen below her surface, her roots are so deep, " I don't know why, it somehow feels so deep, and the fact that you referred of October as of a person (maybe you didn't do it, this is what I understood) it seems so interesting to me...
And this:"perhaps you've read one of her poems before out of a pile/of an autumn’s vibrant reds and dead browns?" is so... autumnish, I can simply feel it. It goes so well with the season outside. Good job
This is really, really funny, as I was just looking over a review I did for you a few years ago. My oh my.
Zly here, ready to do some... reviewing... stuff.
I'm no good at poetry, as you're about to see. If I'm confused by anything you feel is obvious, feel free to disregard my comments.
"The" eyes sounds like you're talking about very specific eyes. Like one, certain gaze. But I'm pretty sure you just mean eyes in general, right? So perhaps "thawed by eyes"? I don't really completely understand this statement at all, but I'm sure it's really poetic and beautiful symbolism for something.
Sandal leg? What is that? The leg that has a sandal below it? Maybe it's the name of a sandal. Ignore my ignorance, please.
Probably just MC's speech pattern, but, "you don't hear not"? Double negative? I just wanted to point it out, in case.
The first time I read this through, I thought it was about an actual person, and not just a month/season. It took me until the second readthrough to realize such. I think this statement was one of the reasons that I did not catch it. A baby? What kind of baby are you talking about? What does this symbolize? I would think you're talking about the next month, or season, but then you specifically mention at the end how she sort of dies with the changing of the seasons, so I'm just really lost.
As I was about to critique this, I realized the exact point you're trying to get. Like, "perhaps you've read one of her poems before, out of a pile". I suggest adding a comma there. I was totally lost.
She still laughs, even as she's dead in her morning walks? I mean... that's really impressive, wow.
This was a truly fantastic poem! It really excited and intrigued me, and I want to read more about each season from you. I apologize for my comments, which probably seemed ignorant and rude, because, of course, I do not frequent the poetry section, and thus, none of my cutting comments should carry too much weight. Please keep writing! This was so gorgeous.
LOLOL, your review makes me smile so hard. XD
Zly! I remember that other review too, man time sure does fly. It's good to see you on YWS again! I hope school doesn't get too hectic for you. What are you studying? ^^
Also, Thanks for your close reading and catching all of those things, it's been really helpful and plus totes did not even notice the double-negative!
But nah, you weren't rude at all, those were pretty awesome questions. I think sandal leg confuses a lot of people because sandal as an adjective is automatically a strange construction in English. If I were to say leg sandal, it's somewhat easier to digest, because we can think of something like this. That of course isn't what I was going for, but I'm going to play with it some more, thanks for pointing it out
As for the baby confusion and whether it's a poem about a personified October/autumn, or a poem about an actual person -- I think when I wrote it I meant is as a person who is likened to a month-entity. Like if I were to say, you're an angel and you think of angel-qualities: nice, pure, white, wings. I could say as well, you're October and the poem is pulling October-qualities. I'm happy with interpretations of it being a personified month as well. In that line of thinking, October's baby could refer to pumpkins! Or it could refer to people who are born during the month of October.
Fun questions. <3 Thanks again for your review ^_^
~ Auds
I'm glad you took my review positively! That's always how they're meant. <3
I'm studying English, US Government, and Economics. I'm doing fairly well, I think, and I hope to get through them and my maths before the end of the year.
Ahhh, I see! Good to know! Very poetic, pretty, and fun poem! I like the many interpretations it has.
Thank you for not getting upset at my review! You're awesome, Auds!