Scratched up by me during one of the jams. Click here to listen to a reading by Penguinattack
How in the world does there come to be
black flowers looming out of the heavy snow,
their heads shaken, bent or perhaps too dry
their petals: vanity, details, stems and lines
so many paths and entrailing latticeworks
both mythic and literal—
little raven droplings who failed to hatch, maybe.
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Canary word: Present
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140,533 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
Hey Audy! First off, I must say I'm sad that I couldn't participate in the last two poetry jams. Ah, so it goes.
The poem is short and beautiful. Brief poems that have a plethora of meanings and beautiful thoughts are my favorite. PenguinAttack reads it elegantly. I must thank you for adding that aspect. The minor critique I have is the "maybe" at the end. It seems like the placement is a little odd. I understand the effect of it, but I would play around with it. The word choice is stunning, and the cadence, especially when being read by PenguinAttack. The punctuation is well placed, although I may prefer more. The string of thoughts that composes this work flows nicely with the punctuation you have.The main reason I reviewed this is to congratulate both of you, and move this out of the Green Room. Happy review day! (Go Team Jolly Rancher!)
-thecolorofthesky
This is good. I liked it. You seem to be really god with this. (I didn't find any mistakes, but I'm only 13 so I probably wouldn't know.) It's pretty nice, and very interesting. Hoping more people will read this, I really liked it. Please keep writing! I really enjoyed reading this! It's very interesting to imagine Black roses coming out of the heavy white snow. It looks pretty amazing in my mind. (i have a very detailed imagination) I'm hoping I could go somewhere just to see a black flower show it's self from a heavy snow storm, only to grow into a beautiful rose or something, once spring comes. It sounds fascinating. Does it not? Just imagine that: You're inside, getting dressed to go play in the snow, and you just see this black something black in the heavy white snow, and it tuns out to be a flower. As you wait till Spring comes you see the flower as it grows into a beautiful and colorful rose bush. That sounds amazing, to me. Like I said before, please keep writing. I really enjoyed this.
~Ash
Not much to say here, but this poem sparks a discussion between me and my friend. Excellent job, guys. :')