So I really like most of this. I think you only have a few places that I can see which could use some improvement. I like how you changed up most of the lines rather than just a few of them with the order of the words.
The most pressing spot I see needs some work is the last stanza. I feel like it's sort of unclear what the last line is trying to say. Who is the paradox of innocence? How can there be a paradox of innocence? I mean, when I read that I was sort of confused because innocence is sort of an all or nothing thing, and a paradox is something which cannot happen together, like being in two places at one point in time. That being said, how can you be a paradox of innocence? Is it that they are and are not innocent? If so, how? I'd suggest changing "paradox" if you can, because it really draws away from the final action of the poem which is scaring off the children or whomever "us" is in this poem.
Aside from that, I don't really like how you used "womb" because that's inside, and if it's inside the ocean then everything's drowned. I'd expect the womb of the ocean to be like, the bottom or in a coral reef, not in a cove. I'm guessing the pretty rooftops were not in the ocean? If they are, then it's perfect, but if they're on the shore like I expect, then I've got my issues.
Those are my only two problems that I can remember after writing what I've written. I remember I was a little confused about "algorithm" being included because logs are sort of a sidebar in the poem, but I think it fits alright. It's just a thinking point.
Wow. . . . I mean, wow. Ok, so, I'm going to do my best to critique this, but honestly, I'm not sure what to say. There is so much emotion in this that really, anything technically strange is overpowered. There were a few lines here and there that read oddly, but still, it just works so well into this beautiful poem that I honestly don't know what you could do to change this. I have never experienced anything like this, I have never read anything that tells of this type of lifestyle in such vividly vague detail that makes me curious to know more about these places you describe. You draw a very wonderful picture, allowing the reader to take what they can from each line that will hit them the hardest way possible. I don't know if you did this on purpose, but no matter what, I say this an extremely well executed piece. I mean, besides those few spots, there's really nothing I can say that's negative, or even a review. I'm sort of in a state of awe lol I mean . . . damn, this is really great XDD This is definitely one of my favorite pieces, I applaud you for this, that's all I can really say. Keep writing, I hope to see more work from you soon. Great! ~Maddie
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Hey Audy!
So I really like most of this. I think you only have a few places that I can see which could use some improvement. I like how you changed up most of the lines rather than just a few of them with the order of the words.
The most pressing spot I see needs some work is the last stanza. I feel like it's sort of unclear what the last line is trying to say. Who is the paradox of innocence? How can there be a paradox of innocence? I mean, when I read that I was sort of confused because innocence is sort of an all or nothing thing, and a paradox is something which cannot happen together, like being in two places at one point in time. That being said, how can you be a paradox of innocence? Is it that they are and are not innocent? If so, how? I'd suggest changing "paradox" if you can, because it really draws away from the final action of the poem which is scaring off the children or whomever "us" is in this poem.
Aside from that, I don't really like how you used "womb" because that's inside, and if it's inside the ocean then everything's drowned. I'd expect the womb of the ocean to be like, the bottom or in a coral reef, not in a cove. I'm guessing the pretty rooftops were not in the ocean? If they are, then it's perfect, but if they're on the shore like I expect, then I've got my issues.
Those are my only two problems that I can remember after writing what I've written. I remember I was a little confused about "algorithm" being included because logs are sort of a sidebar in the poem, but I think it fits alright. It's just a thinking point.
I hope this helps
Aley
Wow. . . . I mean, wow.
Ok, so, I'm going to do my best to critique this, but honestly, I'm not sure what to say.
There is so much emotion in this that really, anything technically strange is overpowered. There were a few lines here and there that read oddly, but still, it just works so well into this beautiful poem that I honestly don't know what you could do to change this.
I have never experienced anything like this, I have never read anything that tells of this type of lifestyle in such vividly vague detail that makes me curious to know more about these places you describe. You draw a very wonderful picture, allowing the reader to take what they can from each line that will hit them the hardest way possible. I don't know if you did this on purpose, but no matter what, I say this an extremely well executed piece.
I mean, besides those few spots, there's really nothing I can say that's negative, or even a review.
I'm sort of in a state of awe lol
I mean . . . damn, this is really great XDD
This is definitely one of my favorite pieces, I applaud you for this, that's all I can really say.
Keep writing, I hope to see more work from you soon.
Great!
~Maddie