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139,425 Literary Works • 672,560 Reviews
Hey,
Umaima here to review your amazing poem. Goodness I'm seeing so many great poems today! This was a great piece and I really enjoyed reading it.
Now coming to the drawbacks, there were a few and that is alright because no poem is perfect to be exact.
First of all I couldn't quite get the idea behind the poem. I mean there were many ways in which the direction of the poem was leading me and I couldn't quite catch on what you were actually trying to say. So please in your next piece try to make the reader understand what you are actually trying to explain.
Secondly, yes punctuation. There was no punctuation and like everyone I would actually recommend you to work on that.
So overall I loved it but it was a little confusing. I hope nothing above offended you because I never meant to do it.
All the best for your next work!
Hi Audy! Okay, so I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've reviewed your stuff, mainly because my usual reaction is this and 100 points of my slack-jawed nonsense isn't going to help anything. But since you've left such lovely feedback on my stuff, I'll give it a try.
The bit about the femme warrior didn't seem very connected to the rest of it. I guess because you're talking about pain, but I still think you could either bring that in to the rest of the piece more or lose it.
The wording here was confusing. They're swapping interjections for curse words? It almost seems like there's a better way to phrase. Maybe something like
eschewing <<interjection nonsense>>
for poetic !@#$&0 phrasings
I think that would be more clear.
To wrap up, I loved the ending. Overall, great job as usual and keep writing!
Audy, the bookends of this poem are flawless. I love the attitude that's been absorbed into every corner of those two stanzas. I love the energy throughout all of this. I also pretty much accept the American stanza, because it's representative and relevant to politics.
But here's where I start to falter:
Ew. Ew, Audy, ew~ Don't go that route! You start Spain strong and factual with the history, and you bring it down to an over-used phrase that has hardly any relevance. You can replace this.
And then the real problem begins. The American and Spain stanzas, to me, bring out the possibilities of the citizens of those countries. Americans eat and the Spanish know their history, but from that point forward you play to ugly stereotypes. And this is not the place for worn out stereotypes, not among the fresh language the bookends fill us with (oh I love that ending so much!).
Bring me images of the people that are Japanese and the people that are British, not distortions of their realities through another nation's looking glass. You can do better, not just for social justice, but because it makes your poem fall flat. I'd try to stick in a little more of the femme nomad into those two stanzas, just to keep the poem tight, yeah?
PM me with questions or comments, and bring out some more of these NaPo babies!
Hey Audy! It's Dark for a review for our team
work you have got going here.
I have to say I do not understand this much. Are you describing the lives and ways of life from the differing races and nationalities of the world? It seems that way to me, but correct me if I'm wrong.
I think not capitalizing the first letter of each stanza was intentional? It looks that way, since you say something about it at the end of this wonderful
And Audy, what's with the <<ow!>>, and the <<aiiie>>m and so one in the middle of the stanzas? I have never seen anything like that so please inform me! Thank you.
Other than... That mysterious property of this work, I liked it a lot. It says a lot about the world.
Cheers! ~Dark. Fire Flower
Hey, I think this is a really good poem and I like the interesting format/ punctuation you chose to use, I think it helps things flow a little more.
I am not going to point out anything about punctuation and grammer because A. I'm not an expert on either B. I know you most of it on purpose.
I liked the ending the most though because I think it ties everything in together and since I was confused at what you were getting at with everything, it helped clear thing up.
All in all, I loved this poem and I don't have much that I would change. I hope to read and review some more by you in the future.