I was just a hundred yards away
when I saw her slender frame.
If I reach out my hand,
I could embrace her between
thumb and forefinger.
She had her back to me
when I had the impulse
to run up from behind her
my intention to astound her,
scare her, love her.
Then she turned around
as if sensing hesitation
when the bleachers had collapsed
and my vision crumpled
over her fragile frame.
And, I was just--
a hundred yards away...
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
Wow. This poem was great. I was really interested in the title. It was so sudden and tragic when the bleachers collapsed. Really sad. And I loved how you ended it with I was just 100 yards away, explaining why you chose that title and summing up the whole poem very well. I have to say those were my favourite lines.
Can't see any grammatical mistakes in there!
Deanie x
Nice its prety good, one thing thugh, you don't describe her. And I love it. It's different from all the other poetry in the sense we don't get a description how how much you love her, but in action we see how. And I must say, Good Job.
I don't mind the bleachers part... Althoguh it seems sort of thrown in at random. Since no where else in the poem do you mention somthing relating to it.
Good luck. Keep writing.
Silented1.
I don't really think it matters why the bleachers collapsed. What matters is that you were so close to her when it happened, but you couldn't help. As sad as that is, I think it is also beautiful.
Hi its me Forest and I will be your reviewer today!
This was really good except the last stanza:
I didn't really get this. Why did the bleachers collapse? I didn't get this, so you could probably change that a bit so the reader knows and can feel what happened. Otherwise it was really great.
~Forest