Come race with me
before the sun catches us—
and so we outpace the hot mug of days lapping at our heels.
Those white calves of yours tipsy over creeks,
treading hills plush with pennyworts,
treating them to smear in our toes.
But it’s those curls of yours,
a drumroll in the wind, that fox-laugh so hungry that
has me bent over your lips hoping to feed the poor vixen.
Stunned to find,
she tastes like February—
or some imagined wine of bitter rivalries,
the world yellow and green and forest groves
as the sun finally catches us and sets in her truth.
I wish for her to tell me: it is you.
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Hi Audy. I meant to do this earlier on but I kept forgetting all about it, so here I am now dropping in for a review.
Ugh you. These first set of lines are really strong in setting up the imagery without having to drag on throughout the poem. The one thing I did want to touch on is that maybe racing with this other person in the first line isn't the best sentiment when it comes to running from the sun? I consider playing around with the wording of it since I think it would change the impact around--not to say that I disliked that line. The second line reminds me of the beach with the phrase 'lapping at your heels' and overall it's just a beautiful image.
I learned something by having to look up what 'pennyworts' meant. I always just called them clovers because that's what they looked like to me but I suppose they're not really that, are they? The first line is interesting in its wording with the usage of 'tipsy'. I do think that the flow is a little awkward in this stanza because of the first line feeling a bit awkward and the last two lines clashing each other due to 'treading' and 'treating' both having that hard sound. The third line feels a little off, but I get at what you were trying to do there--I suggest playing around with it and changing it around to see what you come up with because right now it's not as strong as it could be.
This is definitely one of the stronger stanzas in the poem for me. The stanza is so good when it comes to its flow. The first line really hooked me and I was interested to see that you described the curls as a drumroll, or at least that's what you seemed to be describing. The 'fox-laugh' tying to 'vixen' is something that I also happened to enjoy about the poem because it goes back and refers to itself, strengthening the imagery and metaphor you've imbued because you bring it back up again like something continuing.
I knew this was probably intentional on your side, though I think playing around with the wording of the first line in this stanza would be beneficial since you start it off as if it's being continued from something else. I have the same problem with wording in the third line with "or some imagined" feeling a bit awkward, but other than that, this is a strong stanza to end the poem on.
I enjoy the last line, but I was a teensy bit confused as to what it was trying to get across. I didn't know what 'it' was, though my interpretation of it was that 'it' had to do with the last line in the last stanza and 'it' was 'the truth'.
Overall, lovely poem, Audy. I hope I helped and have a great day! <3
Your interpretations are spot on! Thanks for pointing out the weak points, I'll look over it.
^^ I appreciate your reading and reviewing, thanks again!
Heya, Auds! Casanova here to do a review for you! I'll be taking this stanza by stanza, so I hope you don't mind!
One thing I didn't really understand was,"hot mug of days..." This really didn't seem to be anything particular, and I was wondering if you could expand on what it means. I could see,"the hot mug of the day," if you mean the sun- but "hot mug of days," just seems like an odd phrase to me. Anyway, onward.
I have nothing bad to say about this stanza- it has a real impact with images, it's strong, and I love the phrasing. So props for that. Anyway, onward!
These lines were like a powerful wave washing over me. Strong, intense, and the imagery is just amazing, in all honesty. The only thing I could say about it is you hit the brink of almost too much imagery, but it didn't quite go over the edge. So props for these lines. Anyway, onward.
I find these lines to lack the power and intensity of the previous lines- like you have what you want, but they don't seem to bring me any emotional connection? The previous lines had me on the edge of my seat, these had me sitting back, if that makes any sense. Anyway, onward.
I think this was a perfect ending to the poem, so I give you props for it.
Anyway, overall I think this is a really good poem with just a few tweaks needed. I give you props. THat's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Cas! Thank you for reading and reviewing <3 I enjoyed following your thought process.
Mug has a lot of meanings. There is the meaning of a coffee cup which I assume you are referring to when you say "hot mug of the day". I like how this line represents the morning for you. I like your interpretation of a hot mug as a stand-in for the sun in this image because it evokes that coming of the morning, it evokes that routineness and normalcy that comes with coffee cups. And so the line will read as though they are running from the coffee cups of the morning, as though time itself is the thing lapping at their heels. I find it interesting that both you and another reader seemed to get that same meaning in different ways. You asked me to expand on it, and said the phrasing seemed odd and uncomfortable. It is true that it is odd and uncomfortable and perhaps even awkward. If it made you pause and want to turn it over on its head, that's kind of cool, right? And if you turn mug on its head, as a writer I wonder if the other meanings come out of hiding for you. Mug can mean muggy like Hot sluggish slog of days. Mug can mean mugging, like the days are stealing from you, mugging you for all you are worth. There is a trick poets use. To try and evoke ALL meanings of a word at once by tricking syntax. I am no means a master at this, but if the phrase got you to pause and say "how odd. Let me turn it and extract MY meaning" that is really cool c: it is uncomfortable though because it makes a reader work and there's a fine line between making the reader work and making the poem do all the work for the reader. Let me know if I ever crossed that line and I am forever grateful <3
Your feedback about the emotional connection in the penultimate stanza is on point. Thanks for catching <3
~ Auds
Hello, Tulip here to give you a review on this fine night. The title of the poem February caught my attention and made me want to read this. It is a fascinating poem and I think I shall start with the things that I think that can be worked on. Though it is my opinion and you can choose to act upon them or not.
Things to work on
I think that these two lines can be combined into one stanza, as it would be a little easier to read. So something that would go along the lines of:
Come race with me before the sun catches us-
and so we outpace the hot mug of days lapping at our heels.
To me, it reads better than having the second line start off the next stanza.
I would have this as another stanza, as the rest of the lines go into talking about something else. This way there isn't a lot going on at the same time. I know that it may be part of your style but I'm just merely suggesting.
I would suggest putting either a comma after yours as grammatically it would want to correct that line to 'yours a'; which wouldn't make much sense in the line. Other than that I like these lines that way you have them. The only suggest like I said above would to be to separate the lines from the others.
Other than those I found no other faults really that I want to point out to you! Good job!
Things I liked
I loved this poem. The title of the poem suggested that it would be something different; I never did read your description of this poem. I loved how you incorporated your title into the poem by saying it was the taste of February. I thought that was amazing and very thoughtful.
I don't have much else to say so I'm going to end this review. Good job on the poem, Audy!
Keep calm and write on,
~GreenTulip~
Fiiiixed <3 Thanks for reading and catching! ^^
Your welcome! I'm glad that I was of service for you.