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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello, My name is Kyla and I'm leaving a review!
I love the way you put this, I think it is very neat and interesting! I love how it captures you and it sticks to the main idea. I haven't heard of this piece before but I think it is very good work!
Why hello there, did you really think you could escape a review from me?
Specifics
1. I absolutely love the layout of this, how it arches around and it looks like a moon and has that whole semi-circular feel to it which mirrors so nicely the repeats. Your layout is spot on, dear.
2. I agree with the others on the placement of delicate being a little off in the first stanza. Perhaps...
I'd choose to rearrange it this way as you get 'the way' (and I am trying not to be confusing) on a line of its own and it gives another interpretation, a sort of 'this is the way things are' statement to the stanza.
3. Everything else about the first stanza is perfect. I love the fragmentation and I like that you chose not to use punctuation: it's effective.
4. This time 'the way' feels out of place. I'd like to see that phrase split up, especially if you choose to go with my above suggestion as it stands out too much now if you don't. I hope you'll forgive me for always quoting your own poetry back at you but I find it the easiest way to show what I'm thinking:
I think it has a nice touch of the abstract, perhaps?
5. The second line of the third stanza troubles me a little. At first it feels like it makes no sense. But then I like that it almost sounds like 'weigh a thousand' and wonder if that was your intention? It makes me feel torn as that feels all clever and witty and maybe I'm inventing that or maybe not. I think not. I think I like it. I know, I'm so helpful, right?
6. The last line of stanza three should be 'he kisses in later hours'. I will take no other options. Please? Oh, wait. I see why you didn't do that, hum. Yes, okay I take it back as you start the next stanza that way!
7. *elopes with the last stanza*
Overall
This is beautiful and a very fine response to the challenge, I salute you! There's not many changes I would suggest and I've pointed them out above and I think this is one of those kinds of poems that doesn't have to be perfect because it's perfect in its fragmentation. The spin of words is lovely and you use them skillfully enough that none feel old or expected by the end of the poem. I'm afraid you've quite outdone me, wonderful!
I might just have to set you more challenges in the future,
Heather xx
This is too perfect to review. This is just amazing. Smart. Clever. The fact that you use no punctuation makes it pure. The use of the vocabulary is perfect, the way you re-use the same words to create different meaning, images and definitions of love is incredible.
Purely thought provoking.
This a very lovely, whimsical poem you've got here. I normally don't like poems or writings having to do with love, as they tend to be too mushy-gushy for my taste, but I found this poem to be very simple and beautiful, so kudos to you! I like the first stanza the best out of the whole poem; it's what caught my attention to read the poem in the first place. I also enjoyed the last two lines of the first stanza a lot too:
"there are thousands
and he bleeds"
It adds a sort of dramatic, choppy element to the poem, which I like a lot. Overall, I love the image it evokes, of love, and I like how you simply refer to this character as "the boy". The repetition is nice as well, and gives it a lyrical style. The only big issue I have is the formatting, which I am not sure is intentional or not, but is easily fixed if you want it to be. To me at least, it detracts from the beauty of the poem and turns readers off, but based off just words alone, it was a pleasant read.
Thanks for sharing, and keep it up!
Magpie said what I wanted too -- the placement of delicate in stanza #1 is awkward and I don't like it there. It's hanging there, out of place, and refuses to be adverbial and ruins what is otherwise such a lovely opening stanza.
The last stanza is my favourite.
Stanza #3 is the one that needs some work. I don't really like "his palms way are thousand folds." It's almost impossible to suggest how else you could change it around though! One to work on perhaps, though?
Really difficult to critique a poem like this. Hope this helps a little. I really enjoyed it and the words you chose to use, though!
Hey there.
Wow. Beautiful. And a wonderful idea to rearrange the words and make them completely different stanzas. I also appreciate how you keep the capitalization of Boy consistent throughout the whole piece. It really makes you focus on the main character.
There's only one thing. One little word that I have difficulty with. Delicate. In the first stanza. I don't really like where it's placed. Because it's after the first line, my brain tells me it should be an adverb. But the other part of me argues that it should just be "delicate" because of the format of the rest of the poem. You could put it before love in the first line. "boy folds delicate love in cranes" Or put it before cranes "boy folds love in delicate cranes."
I mean, leave it if you want. It's beautiful the way it is. But maybe, just maybe move that one word so my brain will stop screaming "ADVERB."
This is truly beautiful. You're wonderful.