Hi Audy,have a good time!
I see your peom is kinda unique with your own ideas just flow with a theme about desperates.So let review your poem in the first stanza till the end as I have a much time to write for now(whether it was comments or review),
*'..engorged, ripe bundles dropped over bodies whose
sweat spangled fingers roped in embrace.'
1.So the first stanza you using some words that does not really in poetic way and I can say the symbolism is just 'over-zealous'.You should be more carefull when writing a poem that can make people confuse then forced them to leave it without fully understanding about the message you trying to represent here.This is because,poem should be a writing about something beautiful even it might be a little bit 'harsh' the writer still can use a words that make the reader confort and acceptable.Otherwise,its all about desperates.Maybe some other readers have their own view also.
2.In the second stanza,the rythm is not flow like it used to.I tried to find the rythm but still I can't.That may be because of the punctuation is just not really right.And also,you seem like you don't care to put a capital letter after fullstop.But it does't really the matter.I like the 3-4 lines in 2rd stanza:
listening in between every word
renting silence, daycheck by daycheck.
3.This poem was written for NaPo,I see the ideas here but the big matter here is you ought to care about the words-using and make sure it fit with your poem in poetic way.Anyway it's to great tried than doing nothing.I'll be happy to see more artworks from you soon in YWS.Keep writing and never give up!
Points: 323
Reviews: 65
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