The fish jump over the bridge,
soaring upstream to reach the high waters.
They catch plump flies, green,
that float just below silver boughs
of summer days stretched taut.
To eat a fish, to scale it, and boil it
and spit out the bones, will leave me
full in the body, but empty at heart;
for when the school swims away,
there’s no longer reason to stay.
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I read it, and thought it was very quaint, certainly simple enough for me to wrap my head around, which is always a good thing.
At some points, however, I felt like it staggered, almost as if you were afraid of a little ambiguity. Instead of over-wording something, try trusting the reader to derive your meaning without any wordy flourishes.
Here'd be my revisions:
Overall, it's dandy. Obviously, it took little effort. And (at least on paper) it seems to have very little emotional value except some blitheness.
CON: A little bit superfluous at times
PRO: Simple and blithe
Keep writing!
I have found your piece a work of beauty and nature. A picturesque scene is displayed right as I read. Keep it up.
First of all, thank you for titling this as you did, because now I have a new word in my vocabulary.
I liked the imagery in this a lot, and I especially liked the line "summer days stretched tautly." I also love these lines:
"To eat a fish, to pin it, and boil it
and spit out the bones, will leave me
full in the body, but empty at heart."
I only have one improvement to suggest:
The last two lines rhyme, which I'm sure wasn't done intentionally, but it just feels weird after the rest, since the rest doesn't rhyme. Also I feel like the poem's not quite over, even though I'm at the end - which may just be because of the sudden rhyme, I'm not sure.
But that's it.
So I hope that helped...
~Blue
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